It probably took far too long to get here, but here we are nonetheless. I don't need to write about this anymore, and that feels good.
Arrange in chronological order, 1-12:
Home Time
When I woke up that morning, I knew you were here again. I had purposely requested an early shift that day. Months later, after everything happened, I would find an old copy of my shift request form and it would make me have to take a deep exhale to see what I had written under “reason”, and just how excited and happy I had been for you to be home.
When I finished my shift and went to get changed, there it was: a text from you.
Later that night I waited outside your apartment, a place that felt familiar, but that I had not been in so long. I can still feel what it felt like to see you again after so many months. I still remember you pulling me in as we hugged, and you were here and real and warm and my friend and I loved you. I still can’t write these words without getting choked up.
You looked so tired, but relieved, and we kept hugging. It was like I had to make sure that it was really you, and it felt so good just to be able to sit beside you and talk and joke and look at you.
My Christmas/Birthday/Homecoming/
First Time
You were so funny, and you made me laugh in such a genuine way. In front of the museum, down near the shallow ponds, I pulled you towards me, and we kissed for the first time. You were such a good kisser. There were a handful of them that allowed me to understand in real life what they mean in stories when they describe a kiss capable of making time stand still.
A while later you would joke that you thought you were a skilled kisser and also piñata maker. When I said you should kiss me again soon and frequently, so I wouldn't forget, I liked that your reply was "I should, and will." But then that changed.
My Birthday Time
I was approximately 30 minutes late to my own party, and felt embarrassed about that and hoped no one was upset. You looked so sharp, I loved your outfit, and it made me smile that you had gone out and bought a bow tie. I hadn’t seen you in a few weeks, and you were right when you said that you could see what I still felt for you. The truth of it is, those feelings never really disappeared for me.
I knew that you probably felt awkward to be there, maybe didn’t even really want to be there, but I was so happy that you came regardless. That meant a lot to me, even if it was hard to see you and I had to steel myself against the feelings and thoughts and things that I wished had worked out differently.
Cold Hands Time
It was not too long after you were back and we were lying in bed. As is usual at night, my hands were touch-of-death cold. I accidentally touched your bare skin, and my immediate reaction was to pull away and apologize, but then you grabbed my hands, pulled them into your chest, and warmed them with your own.
Your Birthday Time
My work party was the same day as your birthday, or National Holiday, as you called it. We had Skyped the day before; it was the first time I had seen you in months. But the connection was horrible and the video kept cutting out, so we just ended up talking. I told you all about my new dress and you asked me to send you a picture. I never did because the only one I managed to get was of me riding a 6 foot long dragon. You had a party on your ship that night too, but it was a work party and not your birthday party. You said you would fix that.
You never really said much about your party, I got classy drunk at mine, and I thought about you that night and hoped you were okay. I was regretful that I had missed your call that morning, because I had wanted to wish you Happy Birthday.
Party Time
There was a going away party for a friend/coworker and you joined us part way through the night. From afar I pointed out my sister and a friend that I referred to as “Brother”. Your response was, “Oh. Your brother and sister are… really close.” My back had been turned to them so what I didn't realize when I pointed out Brother and Sister, was that they had also been drunkenly making out at that exact moment.
You and Brother later dance-sandwiched me, becoming one of my favourite all-time pictures, and that for me confirmed you as a good egg. You later texted me to make sure I got home okay, and also to say that you thought I looked beautiful, and you liked my pockets.
All The Time
It was a little bit before Christmas. I had a dream about you, though I don't remember what it was. I used to have dreams about you all the time while you were gone. I don't really remember what any of them were or what happened, you were just sort of always there. It was strangely comforting in a way where it felt like we had just hung out on your couch and talked or something. They stopped when you came home. I don't have dreams very often, but those ones were nice.
Swim Time
We went to the Pot Holes, and they were holy-shit cold, but I really liked how you carried my beach bag for me. You looked so European, and you said it was all about confidence. You held my hand when we walked, and I liked that when we had to walk single file because of the trail, you'd reach back for my hand when we could walk side by side again. You were a better swimmer than I thought, and I liked that you wanted to explore everything too. It made me laugh when you started chanting, “Daddy!” along with those little kids who were trying to get their Dad to jump from the rocks. I’m not sure Dad appreciated your encouragement as much as I did.
Drunk Time
You were still away, but there were only about 17 more days before you were home. I had gone out with one of my friends to celebrate her birthday, and we got pretty sloppy drunk. I texted you, and then on the walk home I called and left a voicemail. I knew that you didn’t have access to your phone until you got back. I also drunkenly emailed you when I got home, telling you about the voicemail, and that I forgot how tall you are.
You said that you were choked that the voicemail was deleted by the time you came back because you guessed it was probably awesome. I did always wonder if the text was deleted too.
The voicemail said that I missed you, so much, and that I couldn’t believe that after so many months you would be here, and I was so happy to get to see you. I said please don’t go away again for so long.
Drive Time
I hadn't seen you in awhile. You had asked me if I wanted to come over and watch a movie. Even if it was already pretty late and I was beyond exhausted, I did. I wanted to see you and I knew that if I didn't go then, I probably wouldn't see you at all before you left. You looked good, I had missed you and wanted to hug you, but I didn't. I didn't think you wanted me to.
You showed me your new house, and I was so proud of you. It was nice, and cozy, and your tour made me laugh. The way you say things always has, and it's that kind of humour that has always made me feel a natural happiness, like the way I felt as a kid. It felt good to feel like we could still be funny with each other; it felt easy. It felt right to fall asleep on the couch with you, and it reminded me of the first time I came to your place and we fell asleep on that same couch. I guess there's a kind of beauty in that symmetry.
I didn't know it was last time I would see you. I didn't know it would be the last time I'd be a part of your life, and you a part of mine.
I didn't know it was goodbye.
Flower Time
You texted me a digital rose. It was a joke, but we agreed it was true love then. Never again though, because it took you like a minute to text.
One-Upsmanship Time
The night we met, we were talking about how jokes can just keep escalating until it's a whole new kind of weird. We were going back and forth, and then to try and win I licked your face. I had maybe only known you 3 hours at that point. I had created a monster because it turned into a never-ending game of one-upsmanship between us, usually coming at the end of a perfectly good moment.
It was after you had come home, and we were in the shower, and we had been irresponsibly consuming hot water for a ridiculous amount of time (But for the powers of good! And not evil.), that you rebooted our gross little game. But because I didn't want you to think you had won, I just let you slobber all over my face for what felt like a full minute.
When I think of you, it is the weird things like this that I miss.
***
It's time to go now, but these will always make me smile, even if sometimes they feel bittersweet.
Key: 1) First Time 2) Flower Time 3) Party Time 4) Swim Time 5) All The Time 6) Your Birthday Time 7) Drunk Time 8) Home Time 9) Cold Hands Time 10) One-Upsmanship Time 11) My Birthday Time 12) Drive Time
- Natalie Bell has an uncannily detailed memory. She remembers everything in pictures and feelings, but strangely, can never remember where she parked her car.
