Emotiscopes: Vulnerability

 Emotiscopes- Show Some Fucking Vulnerability!!! Edition

 

Horoscopes For Those Trying To Feel Human Emotions 

 

 

 

Aries

Sometimes my chest feels so full that it might overflow, and I feel so incredibly humbled by the expanse of the human spirit and all the small acts of love that string our lives together and hold us together when everything else appears to fall apart. This is an invitation to stand with me in this moment and take my hand and we’ll cry for as long as it takes. Let’s cry for joy, let’s cry for heartache, let’s cry for all the things we’ve lost and didn’t turn out the way we wanted. And then we’ll cry for all the things too beautiful to even put into words that we can recognize in each other’s eyes. I see you.

Taurus

Get your tissues at the ready because this edition of horoscopes is about vulnerability and me watching Eco Challenge 2020 with Bear fucking Grylls. If you have no idea what I’m talking about I demand you google it immediately, and then proceed to watch all 10 episodes. The last time this show aired was 18 years ago, which as someone in their 30s feels like an unfathomable amount of time. Anyway I pretty much cried through every episode of this latest edition because I was so moved by the heart showed by each of the teams and their unwavering grit at attempting a 700km long endurance race. These people were tremendous, and probably examples of what the human spirit is capable of overcoming when we commit ourselves to something as a group and truly support each other through tropical storms and navigation errors and heat stroke and trying to beat that superhuman New Zealand team. Isn’t life just a giant endurance race, after all?

Gemini

Get on your bike and yell at people to go read a book by a woman. Is this street harassment, or activism? I don’t know. I’ll leave it up to you Gemini’s and your dual nature to decide.

Cancer

If you are hurting right now, instead of trying to distract yourself, I might recommend diving full into the depth of that pain. It will no doubt hurt, as all things worth doing usually are, but once you’ve immerse yourself in the deep end of the pool and you’ve sat at the bottom for a while, you’ll find that you eventually need to come up for air. Go find the movie Arrival, because that is what coming up for air will feel like.

Arrival is about aliens that suddenly appear on earth in random places. Amy Adams plays Louise, a linguist, who is brought in to translate the alien’s language. It’s not so much an alien movie but instead a movie about the circular nature of life and death, beginnings and endings, and how we perceive our lives through the dimension of time. It’s a beautiful metaphor for how to feel our heartbreak while still keeping our hearts open. It’s a movie about grief, and how it can give us the superpower to profoundly connect with those around us, if we let it.

Remember that when someone closes a door, it will hurt to know that something we cared about has come to an end, but it also opens up space to deepen our emotional intimacy with others. Sometimes that kind of closure is necessary for other relationships to grow, though we often can’t see it at the time. Let the door close, wish them well, but don’t let your heart close with it. Doors can be both an arrival and a departure, depending on your perspective.

So go watch this movie as many times as needed. Personally, I tend to watch it after any major breakups, but then also around every New Year to remind myself that beginnings and endings aren't always as finite as we believe. However, if this is terrible advice and you hate this movie, then please proceed to spend the next 8-12 hours watching Garderner's World because Monty Don and an entire show literally dedicated to watching flowers grow is the perfect balm for any and all kinds of pain.

Leo

You can fight me on this but this unspoken rule of needing to wear a bra anytime you are out in public is horseshit and just another example of the vast reach of the patriarchy’s wormy hands on women’s bodies. FREE UR BOOBIES (if you want to).

Virgo

Years ago, I was on a leisurely excursion with one of the most wonderful people that I’ve ever had the privilege to know (this is you, Jill McQueen). We used to drive out to Sidney and wander in and out of all the little shops on Beacon Ave for the better part of an afternoon, and chit chat and look around. I can only imagine that the joy and ease and comfort and acceptance that I felt in Jill’s company is what a lot of people might have found growing up in their families. And she probably doesn’t remember this, because it was such a small, inconsequential moment, but we found ourselves in a pretty card shop and Jill called me over to see something. I don’t remember if it was a card or decorative napkins, but it was a silly cartoon of a mouse (and maybe a cat?), and she excitedly showed it to me and read the sentence noted at the bottom, “What I like most about you is your vulnerability.”

Did that even make sense? It doesn’t matter. Find a Jill McQueen and let her into your heart and never let her go because she will always see you for who you really are and love you for it.

 

Libra

What story would you have to let go of if you looked at your body and decided it was worthy just as it is in that very moment? Your body has gotten you this far in life, so it's obviously doing a pretty good job. Have you gained weight? Enjoy it. Have you lost weight? Enjoy it. Has the shape of your stomach/legs/butt/shoulders/back/etc. changed? Enjoy it. What I am trying to say is, ENJOY YOUR BODY. Our bodies change; this shouldn't have to be something we shame ourselves into oblivion for, nor the thing from which our self-worth perilously hangs from. Most days I don't entirely know how not to do this, but I figured if I write it down enough times I might be able to get myself to actually take my own advice. Embody your body, whatever shape it takes. The people worth knowing are the ones who only care that you and your body showed up.

 

Scorpio

You guys need to chill the fuck out (and connect to your vulnerability!) 

 

Sagittarius

You are feeling ambivalent and lost. I’m not advocating for you to become a shut-in, because noted good-looking-person Leonardo DiCaprio already showed us in The Aviator just how ugly that can become. But I’m also not not advocating for you to become a shut-in, if only temporarily, so that you can safely allow yourself some time to feel ambivalent and lost within the confines of your own home (BECAUSE ALSO WE ARE STILL IN THE THROES OF A PANDEMIC). Sometimes flinging ourselves from one event to another, no matter how pleasurable those events may or may not be, can serve as a way of hedging us against our own thoughts and feelings. Narratives can be healing, and for this reason I encourage you to connect to a narrative that resonates in your heart. If I was giving very great advice, I’d suggest you go and read Dear Sugar: Tiny, Beautiful Things, or A Chronology of Water, or anything by Roxane Gay, but I’m limited to giving mostly adequate advice in the form of questionable horoscopes, so I’m going to tell you to get cozy on the couch / your bed / the bathtub, and fire up your streaming service  of choice(but please do not actually start a fire if you are mixing water and electrical outlets). To open your heart go watch season 6, episode 3 of Chef's Plate, and specifically listen to the cadence and timbre in Asma Khan’s voice when she says, "Use your life to make a difference." 

Let her tell you the story of how she was once so lost in her own life that she no longer felt any purpose and was falling apart at the seams; how her unraveling led her to find how she could nourish herself back into being, and how she could do it for others.

Pay attention to her story, because her story is yours and also mine and also each and every one of us. What’s beautiful is that though you may feel ambivalent and lost, you are also reaching for something to lift you up. Reaching is what will propel you forward. Reach inside yourself and ask what your spirit needs to feel nourished. Ask yourself why you feel ambivalent and lost. To answer the why you must be willing to confront yourself without completely abandoning yourself to a passive TV binge, or food binge, or sleep binge. You can do something actively while also remaining very still. Actively listen to Asma’s narrative, and see how that makes you feel. If that doesn’t lift you, then please go back to my very great advice.

 

Capricorn

If you saw me today and told me every inch of the truth, and pulled your heart out for me to see, every sloppy stitch showing, every part you thought too shameful or ugly or unlovable, and you looked me in the eyes and let me see the real truth, I would forgive you. If you reached out an open palm, I would reach back. Because I loved you. Because I loved you as wholly and completely as I could. How could I not, after so long, after all we’d seen together? Of course I loved you. I don’t want to hide how much this hurts because that would be a betrayal to just how much you meant to me. I’m probably making it sound like you died because I’m somewhat incapable of expressing things without slamming down my feeling buttons in ALL CAPS, but in truth it felt like I had to let die the part of you that had moved into my heart. Sometimes there are things inside us that need to die in order to move forward. We owe it to ourselves to recognize that having to do that is hard, and painful, and conflicted, and full of doubt, and likely something we won’t take very well and could take a long time to do. Now please let me forget everything about you so it doesn't hurt so much anymore. Please disappear from my memory forever. I loved you once, but not anymore.

 

Aquarius

Sometimes I feel so lonely I think my body might collapse in on itself; like there’s nothing there to hold it together. I feel like a never ending pit, like a black hole pulling everything in my orbit into an abyss. Sometimes I don’t know how to make it to the next breath, and yet somehow I do. Somehow we endure. We can endure just about anything. We can endure this. I’m with you.

 

Pisces

If someone is faced with losing some of the most important relationships in their life, and they choose to do nothing, you have to understand just how much they hate themselves to not try and make it better. Trust me, I get how much it hurts to have someone admit to being a dead-end person but also admit that they will do nothing about it. Trust that this will likely never change. Trust that this is not your fault. Trust that there are people out there with whom you can be truly vulnerable with, and they will not take advantage of it. They will recognize you. They will see you.

Emotiscopes: July

 

Horoscopes For Those Trying To Feel Human Emotions 

Aries

Recently I visited a place I claimed to hate and made very loud overtures about never returning there, EVER, until one of the most special and cherished people in my life moved there and I had no choice but to eat my very loud words. And wouldn't you know it, seen through a different lens, I thought it was lovely. This is something that all photographers and cinematographers know all too well- that using the right lens can make or break your shot. Consider whatever you are considering through a different lens and notice how that changes how you feel about it. Notice how it can change the tone and texture and the composition of your thoughts. Consider that you may have been wrong.

Taurus

Get outside. Put your fucking phone down and go outside where there are trees or beaches or fields or deserts or just anywhere with an abundance of nature and stay there for at least an hour. Take it in. Don't take any pictures, just absorb it, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually if that speaks to you. Well okay take pictures but don't also check your texts or emails or facepoop or instablerg or any of that shit. This moment is about being present.

Gemini

If you are about to text someone something that might upset them, or really anything that's important, or of consequence, or emotionally charged in any way, just don't fucking do it. Don't. Fucking. Do. It. Please. Have that conversation to their face, in person, in flesh and blood. I originally wrote that first sentence as, "If you are about to text someone something that might upset me" so I guess that speaks to where this is coming from, but really, come on, we all know better. We can all do better. What do you imagine you risk by being kind?

Cancer

Watch a movie or read a book or something else that involves you sitting still and paying close attention to something, and for the duration of that time do not look at your phone. Turn it on silent and put it out of reach, because if it is in reach it will be too easy of a distraction. We've become far too accustomed to having our needs constantly (and ineffectually) catered to by our smartphones. Our little lizard brains don't know what to do with that kind of stimulation, and now none of us can actually spend more than 20 minutes before our inner reptiles need the dopamine hit of a text message, or a refresh on our feeds, or a google search for whatever inane thing pops into our head. Remember what it feels like to not be constantly tethered to a vending machine of anxiety and dissonance.

Leo

Speaking of lizards and our lizard brains, I re-watched Jurassic Park the other day. And I say lizard even though we all know by now that dinosaurs are much closer relatives to birds than any of our scaly friends, as Dr Grant emphatically pointed out to the stroppy little boy scoffing at the Velociraptor skeleton in the dig site scene. Man I love that movie. Don't get me started on the shot list! The way Spielberg created such a visual narrative and kept the pace on point with some of those shots is unparalleled. There's a reason a movie like that stands the test of time 20+ years later. But I digress! I was about 30 minutes into the movie and there had been a couple scenes where all the main characters are just kind of sitting around and something significant jumped out at me- none of them have cell phones. They just sat around, actively in each other's presence! Jesus, what a fucking luxury. Can you imagine that being filmed now and how every idle moment would have at least one person tippy-tapping away on their screen? These goddamn cell phones, they're just cancerous tumors growing out of our arms.

Virgo

The thing about trauma is that it's like our brains are saying, "Yeah, I didn't think anything crazy like that would happen, BUT THEN IT DID, and now I have to constantly be on the lookout so I can make sure that never happens to us EVER again." and your brain is lit up like a July 1st night sky and in Def-Con 4 mode at the slightest provocation and then can't switch off. People who have experienced trauma tend to catastrophize because they've lived through one or several actual CATASTROPHES. It's not irrational if that's what was once their reality. Sometimes those people need help remembering what their reality is now. Their weary minds and anxious bodies can't always tell the difference between what was then and what is now because some parts of them might have gotten lost in the struggle to survive. They might still be very afraid, and for good reason. Their metaphorical home was blown up right in front of their eyes and they didn't have time to grab everything when they ran for cover. When you recognize that struggle in the eyes of the people you love, give them the gift of your presence. Sit with them, hold them, and tell them it'll be okay. It will be okay.

Libra

Do not be the person who uses the mobile order service to get your coffee. You should not be able to order your coffee ahead of time on your phone. You are not that important and your life is not that busy. If you want coffee you have to show up in person and order it and then wait 5 fucking minutes. Also that whole service is the devil and disrupts the natural order of things so what used to be a 5 minute wait is now 15 because of all those fucking smug mobile orders jumping the queue and taking precedence. This is yet another reason why we should all drop kick our cell phones off of the nearest cliff. 

Scorpio

You guys need to chill the fuck out. 

 

Sagittarius

If you have recently decided to make lots of green smoothies and have wonderful images of how healthy and vibrant you will look, just remember what a pain in the ass it is to clean the blender afterwards, or worse, the carpet around and under the seat of your car after you spill a mason jar full of smoothie while on your way to work on a hot day. Do you know how to clean mango sludge out of upholstery?

Capricorn

Next time you are at Starbucks and you've been waiting for an eternity for your coffee because some selfish cad ordered their entire meal plan for the day and some stupidly complex coffee order by using the mobile app and that means they instantly get rewarded for their human interaction avoidant cowardice with front of the line service, take their mobile order and throw it into the trash. Show those mobile order motherfuckers where the front of the line gets you. Remember to use the right bins though, you're not a monster.

Aquarius

I'm not saying you should steal your coworker's food from the fridge, but people really shouldn't leave tasty stuff in there unless they are planning to eat it within a day or two. Is this a horoscope? Sure, this is a metaphor for recognizing the good things in your life when you have them and not letting them expire through neglect.

Pisces

Care too much. I know it's very de rigeur to be ambivalent and chill and repel any and all emotion, but anyone trying to pull that off is probably sad and full of shit and also probably cowardly. The whole point is connection. The whole point is to be generous with our time and our kindness and our praise and our affection and our understanding and our love. Go outside and connect. Leave your cell phone at home.

Emotiscopes: May

Horoscopes For Those Trying To Feel Human Emotions 

Aries

I was walking to get coffee the other morning and for whatever reason my attention was seized by a jacket in a store window that was advertised as reversible. The words "reversible heart" sprang into my head and I considered what that might be. Quilted and cozy on one side, repellent on the other. Great if these are the qualities that make up a garment intended for the outdoors, but not so much for our big, anxious, sensitive, squishy hearts. A reversible heart is one that isn't right with itself. It's full of self-doubt and uncertainty and switches from one side to the other without much explanation. It doesn't have to be all-or-nothing. You don't have to switch to the repellent side the moment you feel yourself exposed (to the elements). Get right with yourself. Feel the rain. Take a deep breath out in the open and let something in between take root instead- a grounded heart.

Taurus

Happy Birthday to all of us Tauruses! Taures? Tauri? I'm not sure what the plural form of Taurus is and frankly I don't care to look it up because I am already anxious about being late to write these Emotiscopes and what I'm sure are life changing revelations for both of my readers. Speaking of anxiety, this month, I recommend you get up close and personal with what yours looks like. Mine is a particular party of a headspace of abandonment where I am absolutely certain that I will lose everything and everyone I care about deeply because at some point I was somehow not enough or too much. Sometimes versions of that have actually happened, so my mind seems content to file this away as fact. However there are also times that this has not happened, which is important to remember. When I'm familiar with the form my anxiety will take, it's so much less of a surprise when it inevitably does show up (and it will), and I can pre-emptively plan for how to diffuse it. Instead of reacting to it like the apocalypse just showed up at my door, I can say, "Oh, hello. I anticipated you might be coming by. You can stay for a little bit but then I really need to get back to cleaning my bathtub."

Gemini

I think a lot of times the people who seem the coldest and most withdrawn are actually those who feel the most. The freeze is to keep themselves from feeling like they might be swallowed whole by their feelings. Not to say it’s the best coping mechanism, but consider when you notice this behaviour that it might not have anything to do with you at all. If you are the freezer, remember that you don’t have to shut down just to survive. Resist the urge to numb yourself away from connection, from intimacy. Take one of those frozen hands and reach out for someone who cares about you. The people who love you are waiting for you to thaw; they want you to share with them all those things you thought might swallow you whole so that they can help to make them more digestible. The funny thing is, sometimes the worst of the things we freeze ourselves against, once brought out in open, evaporate into the air like mist and are carried out into the atmosphere and into the ether.

Cancer

Take some time to resuscitate yourself. Don't do any of that capitalist self-care bullshit every other facebook post is trying to sell you. You don’t need to sign up for a subscription box or go to the spa or whatever. Resuscitate yourself by taking the time to quietly sit alone, uninterrupted, free of any distractions, and remind yourself of the things you need to feel happy. Make a list and write down whatever comes to mind. I mean that, write down even the smallest, stupidest-seeming things. I once did this and wrote hokey shit like “clean sheets, plants, the colour turquoise”. It’s normal to get a little wrapped up in the things happening in our lives, so when you find yourself starting to drift, use this as your anchor. Keep in mind too, you don’t have to abandon ship at the slightest wave, the whole point of this exercise is to have something to refer back to when you need to steady yourself. Think of it like fortifying your hull instead of needing to find an entirely new ship every time you float in a new direction. Also, remember that you have a rudder. Use it.

Leo

Woahhh I am wordy this month! Leo, just for you I’m going to keep it short and semi-sweet (a.k.a vegan). Tell people the truth. Honestly share the contents of your heart. Don’t be a chickenshit.

Virgo

Take some long walks this month, either alone or with someone, or both, and pay attention to what happens to your mind and body after a while. Notice how the physicality of propelling your body forwards also soothes the anxiety in your head. I know this to be true so well, and yet I also constantly forget how much more mentality sound of a person I am when I am forcing myself to move. Use the movement to externalize all that jittery shit inside you that sometimes compels you to act like an asshole because you don't know what to do with it. Walk it that shit off!

Libra

Give your pets and maybe even your friends and loved ones extra pats and snuggles because you are a light in their life and one day they will be gone.

Scorpio

You guys need to chill the f*ck out already. Except for Chief, who is so far gone in chill he is practically an apres-ski bevy at an upscale chalet in the Andes with a very laissez-faire atmosphere.

Sagittarius

Do away with doubting yourself for awhile. If you're a remotely empathetic and intelligent person, you probably tend to do this a lot, but be aware of how often backtrack yourself because of it. Distill the voices inside yourself until the one that's ringing clear and true is the one that is speaking softly, but kindly. We're built for survival, but the chronology of our lives sometimes leaves a few wires crossed, and there are certain voices that mean well, but actually end in some kind of sabotage. The one that sounds patient, that speaks gently and doesn't make you feel bad? That's the one to listen to.

Capricorn

Sometimes we all might feel like we want to get on our sit-down lawnmowers and send the local police on a low-speed / low-stakes hunt for someone casually driving their John Deere down the highway on a sunny weekday afternoon. It's freeing to just straight up not give a f*ck about how ridiculous we might look, and to thumb our noses at the man. We all have a little rebellion in our hearts, why not give it a little taste of the wind in its hair? I don't mean to tell you to start robbing banks or committing arson, but maybe just low forms of mischief. Channel some inner Loki! Let loose! Go steal some free magazines! Take your lawnmower for a spin on the Pat Bay Highway! 

Aquarius 

Your mattress cover should be washed just as often as your sheets. You know what you've done.

 Pisces

Call someone out on their bullshit. People get away with way too much shit these days because we're all supposed to play it cool and be chill and never ask clarifying questions because that would totally ruin the vibe. Fuck the vibe. Ask as many questions as you need to understand what's going on and how you feel about it, and if something seems off, say so. It'll feel good. Hold those motherf*ckers accountable!! Repel that bullshit! Just make sure you've got on your reversible jacket.

Game Of Emoticopes: April

Horoscopes For Those Trying To Feel Human Emotions 

Aries

Stoicism is overrated. I mean, it looks very cool if you are Sean Bean playing pretty much any character, but I’m suspicious about how well it actually works out in real life. I’m not convinced that stoicism isn’t a way to hedge yourself against vulnerability, to keep yourself safe from a certain amount of intimacy with the people close to you. I’m challenging you this month to say out loud, and to the people that matter, what you think and feel, and how you feel about them. People like to know they’re in the thoughts of those they love. There’s a certain kind of magic when you can take the things you hold close inside you and release them out into the open. Even Ned Stark meant to do it eventually, but then Joffrey cut his head off and he never got the chance. You have the chance right now.

Taurus

You guys are stubborn as hell. That’s not always a bad thing! Standing your ground and defending it can mean that you know your boundaries and are willing to speak up when someone starts to cross them. Remember that the traits that sometimes get you in trouble are also the traits that make you excel; it’s all in how you focus it. If you are going to die on a hill, consider why it’s that one.

Gemini

What are you holding on to too tightly? What are you afraid of? Fear is handy, because it teaches us that we can’t just go traipsing around wherever we want, whenever we want without there being consequences. For example, if you are a surfer, fearing a 10 foot wall of water thundering towards you seems like a natural and reasonable reaction. However, remember that you are out in that ocean for a reason and you’re going to have to let go of your board and pop on up if you want to ride that wave, my dude. A consequence of you doing that might be that you die, but it probably won’t.

Cancer

It seems I’ve written a lot about death this month. As your (non) astrologer I am going to interpret that to mean that this month is all about the little deaths that happen to us all internally. It’s also called change, or closure. A little internal death doesn’t have to mean that we hollow ourselves out on the inside, but can instead mean that we allow the things we no longer need to dissipate, dissolve, disperse. These are all soft words for saying, “You’re going to need room for other things, so let’s free up some f*cking space.”

Leo

If the Stark’s words are “Winter is Coming” maybe the words for our collective world should be “Climate Change is Coming”. It’s been a very long summer, friends, and the Night (Climate Change) King and his army of White Walkers and Wights are upon us. For those of you who don’t watch Game of Thrones I am not referring to Trump, Republicans, and the members of the Westboro Baptist Church, though I suppose they could sub in just as easily. I’m referring to the army of the dead that are about to descend upon the fictional world of Westeros when the final season of Game of Thrones begins. We don’t live in a fictional world with an HBO CGI budget, but our threat is just as real. Leading scientists have given us 10 years before the earth really falls to sh*t if we don’t clean up our act, literally. Leos, are you pre-occupied with defending the Iron Throne, with holding your position, or are you ready to ride North? Winter is coming.

Virgo

Sometimes things get so serious we forget along the way to have fun. Sometimes a little moment of levity is the breath of fresh air we need to continue marching forward. If you’ve been paying attention you’ve noticed a few different themes floating around this month, and despite some of their weightiness remember that a good laugh is a good way to take you out of your head long enough to clear your perspective. Even Jon Snow can’t brood all the time.

Libra

Consider that everything you think you know or hold true may one day blow up in your face. Consider that this isn’t your fault, but that this is a way to take inventory of all the things you know and ask how you know them. Who told you that was the way it’s supposed to be? Where did you learn that from? I think as women especially we are taught in so many unconscious ways how to fold ourselves into the men in our lives; how to be good and how to serve the men around us; how to make ourselves small enough to disappear. How can you make yourself big? How can you be good to you and serve yourself? Men, same questions, but be aware of how much space you are naturally given and how you might share it.

Scorpio

You guys need to chill the f*ck out already.

Sagittarius

What are you passively consuming, mentally, emotionally, physically? You can do something actively and be still; your hands and mind don’t always have to be reaching for something. We fill ourselves so easily with things we aren’t even aware of, and then wonder why we are so tired. Give yourself a rest, a real rest. Get as into this or not as you wish. My go-to is to lie down on my living room floor with my legs propped up on my chaise lounge, some tea tree and cedarwood oil on the diffuser, some sort of relaxation/meditation music, and an optional novelty sleep mask. Game of Thrones starts on the 14^th of this month and you are going to want to be bright eyed and bushy tailed for the final season of what is arguably THE GREATEST SHOW OF ALL TIME. Can you tell I’m excited??

Capricorn

What is it about letting your insides show that makes you a little anxious? Recently my boss gave me an over-sized puzzle piece that I was supposed to colour or paint as part of a larger art wall. I decided I didn’t want to be constrained by the limits of two dimensions and instead made it into a 3D puzzle piece of an abstract person ripping open their chest and spilling out its contents. I wanted to attach my favourite Cheryl Strayed quote, “Let yourself be gutted. Let it open you. Start there.” But seeing as we work in emergency services that was shot down pretty quickly.

Aquarius 

When was the last time you cleaned your bathtub? Are you supposed to clean them with your clothes on? It always seems like they take forever to scrub and everything gets wet and water gets all over the floor and eventually you give up, get naked, turn the shower on, and just scrub everything frantically and haphazardly while silently promising yourself to never let it go this long again. This is of course a metaphor and not a very candid re-telling of actual events.

Pisces

What were we saying about stoicism- it gets your head chopped off? Pisces, I am not a real astrologer and have no idea if you are prone to that kind of detachment, but regardless I am imploring you to keep your head firmly on your body. This month, do not die; you’re going to want to know how Game of Thrones ends.

Emotiscopes: March

Horoscopes For Those Trying To Feel Human Emotions 

Aries

You are going to get sick. Heed the advice of hip hop duo dead prez when they say, "Drink water, eight glasses a day." Except double that amount because you need to flush that cold out of your body. Is your urine yellow? Then drink more. Are you feeling tired? Drink more water and then sleep. Does your throat feel scratchy? Boil up that water, toss in a boatload of ginger root and some honey and then drink that mother*cker down. I'm asking you to become up close and personal with your body so that you can identify your needs and how to address them. This is the whole point of getting sick, to become aware of what you need to feel good and how to do that, and maybe even admitting that sometimes you need to call a friend for help. Let them boil your water for you.

Taurus

Sometimes when things don't go the way we thought, and we end up feeling a little crushed, it's hard to imagine that we won't always feel that way. The circumstances of your life are always changing. Feel crushed, just remember you feel that way because you risked caring about something deeply, and eventually that feeling of being crumbled and dismantled will metamorphosize into a whole new superpower of profoundly connecting to those around you, if you let it. Don't get stuck in the chrysalis. It looks nice and it's hard enough to protect you, but there's little room for movement and eventually you're going to need to expand, little butterfly.

Gemini

Eat a bunch of plant-based food this month. That's a really sneaky way of saying cool it with the meat and dairy and instead stuff your face with a bunch of fruits and veggies. You can make grated parmesan out of what is essentially just cashews, nutritional yeast and some spices, and as a former parmesan connoisseur I can affirm that it tastes just as good. Plus, you will feel like an alchemist who is conjuring magic both in your food processor and in your heart.

Cancer

Sometimes we just want to watch the world burn. For most of us who aren’t psychopaths we mean this figuratively and not literally. Burning things to the ground means rebirth, new beginnings, and sometimes if you live in the Game of Thrones universe it means finding out you are impervious to fire and now have three baby dragons. Or if you are Cersei it means you plot to have all your enemies in one building and then actually blow that building up with magic fire while you watch smugly from your rooftop balcony. I can’t speak to the integrity of Cersei’s actions, but I can sort of empathize with a person’s need to wipe out their enemies, eliminate any threats to their power, and enact their own kind of dominion over a city of ashes. No, no I can’t. That sounds like a psychopath. Cancer, do not play with fire!

Leo

This month, read something you normally wouldn’t, like maybe say these horoscopes. That counts. But read something from a perspective you maybe haven’t considered, like the columns of Michael Harriot, or the works of Roxane Gay, or just someone who doesn’t look like you. Sometimes we get a little stuck in our own heads, and opening up our field of vision is one way to see the people around us a little more clearly.

Virgo

Plan a date with yourself, even if you have a partner. There’s something special to be had by realizing that you genuinely enjoy your own company and can make yourself happy. It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate. The idea of going to dinner alone with a book just sounds attention seeking to me, so my idea of a date with myself is a romantic evening at home with my pets, eating snacks, putting on a mud mask and watching some sort of British period drama. But don’t let me tell you how to live your life, you do you!

Libra

If there is one thing you do this month, let it be to figure out what you want.  This might mean figuring out what you want for lunch, or it might mean figuring out if you want a relationship, a new job, a family, or just what you want in life in general. I'm not saying you need to be aware of everything you might want from now until the end of time, but I am saying that the people around you will start to act anxious and squirrel-y if they are directly affected by how little you have asked this of yourself. Some people are really hungry and don't want to have to wait 20 minutes for you to choose your entree because you only get 45 minutes for lunch. It will also save you the inevitable anxious meltdown you have when you realize you suddenly need to make a decision and could have looked at the menu online ahead of time.  

Scorpio

You guys need to chill the f*ck out already.

Sagittarius

If you have to ask yourself why you feel anxious/ tired/ moody/ slightly crazy, consider if you have taken your medication today. If the answer is yes, then proceed to consider the environments you find yourself in: Are there lots of new things going on? New projects? New people? New routines? New diets? Don’t underestimate the toll these things can take on your mental and emotional landscape, even if they are good things. Sometimes our human bodies don’t know the difference between good stress and bad stress and it can take a while to adjust. Give yourself time to adjust. Now if the answer to the first question is no, then take your f*cking medication before considering all of the above.

Capricorn

Solange dropped a new album at midnight on the first day of this month. She went on Twitter and said, "I ain't running from shit no more." When you do find yourself running, consider whether you are running to or from something. Running towards a finish line is great, but remember that you're still going to have to figure out what to do with yourself afterwards. Running away from something scary is sometimes necessary but probably too often self-sabotage. In both cases, running eventually gets tiring, and it's hard to connect with anyone when you have to try and talk in between laboured breaths.

Aquarius 

Don’t forget to wash your pillow cases. That is where any fluids coming out of face are collecting. Remember that.

Pisces

You don’t have to always say yes. There is power in saying no. Don’t be rude about it, but be aware of your boundaries and how often you are pushing them to please other people. Alternately, it’s not a bad idea to push your boundaries, just make sure that whomever is asking it of you gives you something close to the same consideration they give themselves. However if someone is offering you a glass a water always say yes. At least 8 times a day.

Emotiscopes: February

Horoscopes For Those Trying To Feel Human Emotions 

Aries

Hey you, make your bed already. Why? Because even if you are a filthy beast who hasn’t washed their sheets in months, at least you will look like a presentable beast. Presentation matters.

Taurus

Don’t go looking for emotional reassurance in a text message. 9 times out of 10 what you really wanted was the momentary acknowledgement of your humanity by someone who would hold you close but also help you hide bodies.

Gemini

Don’t feel guilty about eating that 2nd slice of cake. Just eat the damn thing. But if you really want to feel guilty maybe consider the unnecessary and horrific exploitation and torture of the animals those ingredients came from.

Cancer

It’s funny that so many of our shows and movies are about superheroes these days. Superheroes can be hard to relate to, and it never seems like they have to worry about stuff like paying their cable bill or whether or not they can afford avocados. Do you try to appear bulletproof? Do you encase yourself in a skeleton of adamantium? I liked Wolverine. I think the most human thing about him was the time someone asked if it hurts when his claws come out and his response was, “Every time.”

Leo

Get out of your head and into your body. Consider what you are absorbing internally and externally and if watching The Bachelor is really the best way to spend your Monday evening. Call your parents instead, they want to know you are still alive. Are you?

Virgo

Sometimes the best course of action is not to act, except maybe in a life or death situation, or if you happen to work in emergency services. But I mean other than that, how often are you speaking, moving or acting from your default settings? Who set those defaults anyway? How have they been working out for you so far?

Libra

I forgot this one and had to go back and write it. I’m not saying you’re forgettable, Libra, but it wouldn’t hurt to send some vegan-friendly treats my way. Because you know who won’t forget? All the cows that died cruelly for your New York cheesecake. Also, don’t be so hard on yourself this month, we all can be a little too rigid sometimes.

Scorpio

You guys need to chill the fuck out already.

Sagittarius

This month, when you feel down, doubtful, depressed, ambivalent, lost, or like some low key bad behaviour might be afoot, consider what Terry Crews might do. In the least, picturing that radiant lighthouse beacon of a human being might bring you a little bit of joy and some strength to carry you through the rest of the day. But also remember that when some powerful movie execs tried to shut him up when he came forward about being sexually assaulted his response was, “You can’t gaslight me. I’m from Flint, Michigan.”

Capricorn

Vulnerability is both an emotional bridge and aphrodisiac among the right people. If that’s what you find attractive in other people then you are walking the good walk, just make sure to show them your underbelly too.

Aquarius 

Clean up your kitchen more frequently and see how just washing your dishes opens up a whole new world. Clean sink, clean mind.

Pisces

Lean into your fluid nature and go swimming. Literally, but metaphorically too if that speaks to you. What I’m talking about though is getting in an actual pool without feeling gross about your body or what people might think of it, and instead feel the strength of your arms and legs propelling you through the water; feel the change in gravity and how that changes your perspective; float on the surface and feel the fucking magic of being alive.

Time

Time, it doesn't work the way I thought it did. Time isn't as linear as we think; beginnings and ends become blurred, it all starts to circle back. Time is the metronome by which we live our lives, but it isn't flat. It moves. Time bends to the myth of our lives, the stories we tell to understand the world and how we live in it. 

I look back on last year and wonder what I learned, how did I change, how have I grown, what are the things that matter most and how do I fill my life with those things? 

If I put myself in my body one year ago, I can tell you that I was afraid. I was afraid to be alone. I'm not afraid of that anymore. I was afraid of being both loved and unloved. I'm not afraid of that anymore, at least not in the same way. I was afraid most of all that I would always be too much or not enough, and that my flaws were too heavy or too dark or too scarred or too unsightly for anyone to pay attention for very long. Maybe I'll always be afraid of that, but now just a little bit less than before.

Can you see the beginning of a circle? Can you show me the end? Beginnings and endings are one in the same, and so is the middle. And yet, we can't stop time; it continues to move despite how much it hurts, despite how much we will it not to. Time moves on methodically, mechanically, accurately, but not necessarily in a straight line. I can drive down a certain street and feel the exact things I did 6 months prior, as if walking through an open door taking me back to that very place in time: I am in my car waving goodbye to my best friend, using every muscle in my body to keep me stitched together despite feeling the threads popping open, tears rushing down my face like a flash flood and crumpling under its weight. Another day I might drive past that same house and I can see through the front window her feet at the bottom of the couch, thinking she's still there, tucked inside, silently waiving hello to her as I drive by. 

I have a statue of Ganesh in my living room. Ganesh is a deity from the Hindu pantheon, and is revered for being the remover of obstacles. However the other side of that is he is also the placer of obstacles, and so he is both remover and placer all at once. Up until recently I thought that meant you had to stay on his good side, the remover side, or just only ever pray for him to be the remover. I thought that if I only ever thought of him being the remover then only those things would manifest, like a think positive to bring positive type mantra. But I don't think that's how it works anymore. I think whether he is the remover or placer, it is all the same. Our suffering comes from holding on to one or the other, and just like time, it continues to move despite how we may feel about it. Beginnings, endings, remover, placer- can you show me on a circle where one arrives and the other departs? 

I think of time differently now. I think of us all as time travellers, sharing with those we love and those around us tools and gifts and weapons as we move from one door to another. We wear our scars on the outside so that we'll recognize each other as we move, so that we'll remember. This is what makes me less afraid. This is what tells me I am never alone.

Instances In Which Emoticons Are Acceptable

Emoticons are terrible. Just awful. I fucking hate them. But let me tell you how I really feel; those obnoxious little symbol-based faces offend me. 

My Dad, an upstanding champion of proper sentence structure and grammar, recently started accenting his emails with them, and I felt like I suddenly didn't know the man anymore. It was a dark day. 

When getting to know someone, if they happen to drop in a smiley or winkey face, it almost immediately signals to me that we no longer have anything in common. Whatsoever. And to my horror, it seems as though errbody is getting all up ons the emoticon wagon! People I respect and like as human beings are sending me texts with all kinds of digital faces!! 

I have gotten into lengthy and heated arguments over this. For the most part, what I hear is that these devilish little faces help in identifying whatever emotion is trying to be conveyed. They signal a joke, a sad situation, or a horribly passive aggressive exchange. Fuck. That. Shit. I'm about to get curmudgeonly up in this bitch and say YOUR SENTENCE SHOULD ALREADY EXPRESS EMOTION ON ITS OWN. Yup. Shit just got real, friends. 

If I am sending someone a message and I have to let them know it's a joke otherwise they'd think I'm appallingly off-putting, sexist, racist, homophobic, xenophobic, sociopathic, sexually aggressive, etc., then we are probably not meant to be; friends, lovers, distant acquaintances, or otherwise. 

This is no monkey business, and I'd appreciate if you took this seriously. The only place an emoticon ever belongs, is in a life or death situation. That is all. 

Please observe the examples provided:

A murderous psychopath is trying to kill me :( 

A shark just accidently ate my torso, will probably bleed out :'( 

Hey Mom, the cancer came back. Won't make it to Christmas; life insurance is in your name :$ 

Lucky I came out alive from that catastrophic 6 car collision. Not so lucky for the guy in front of me ;)


Just walked in on my fiance in bed with my best friend >:(

Dear cruel world, today I quit you. Also, sorry about the blood- tried to keep it all in the bathtub! :) 

- Natalie Bell doesn't actually feel human emotion, and this is the real source of her contempt towards emoticons. How freely and effortlessly they experience a smile of happiness or a wink of mischief. How easily they show laughter at a mildly funny joke. One day, she will destroy them. SHE WILL DESTROY THEM ALL. She was also hungry when she wrote this.