Everything he said and all that happened was true, or it might have all been lies, we really can't know either way, but you can probably feel in your body what was and was not. If you felt full-body life-blood love, if you felt without question that he absolutely loved you and adored you and wanted to hold your hand until your last day, then he probably did. Our bodies always know before the rest of us does. Take comfort in that, trust what you felt.
And when you felt like something was wrong, like something was amiss but you didn't know what and thought that maybe you were just tired and hungry and maybe navigating your own triggers, again, your body knew something had turned. And whatever had turned was not your fault. It was not about you or something you did or didn't do. Please, please, please know that. Don't contort yourself into all kinds of uncomfortable positions reckoning with the if onlys or what ifs. It was not your fault.
He couldn't sustain it, that's really all it comes down to. He probably wanted to so badly. He probably wanted to do all the things you talked about together, he probably wanted more than anything to live out the plans you had set, but he ran head first into the monolith of addiction and mental health, and it was too big for him to get around. He probably feels ocean-depth shame for feeling like he failed you, and that's why he wouldn't see you or speak to you and blocked you. It was too painful for him to be reminded of what he was running from, what he was losing. And that was really selfish of him. That wasn't fair or kind or deserved. And that's how you know how dark a place he must have been in, how deeply he must have cared to resort to that.
But now you have to let go. I know how painful and impossible that feels, but please sweet pea you must. You have to walk and let that door close so another one can open. You have to say goodbye. The only way out is through.
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