All Things Ducks, and Great and Terrible Truths
Wednesday, 13 November 2024
Words For A Dear Friend
Tuesday, 30 March 2021
Emoticopes: Death Becomes Her/Them
Emotiscopes
Horoscopes For Those Trying To Feel Human Emotions
Aries
I keep having dreams/nightmares that wake me up. I wake up and realize I’m crying. It’s very hard to shake. I’m becoming uneasy about going to sleep which is pretty inconvenient because recently I’m not really enjoying being awake either. Welcome to hell.
Taurus
If I haven’t responded to you or called or texted please know it is because I’m deeply depressed most of the time and struggling to find the energy to be passably human. Yesterday I was trying to set some goals and said to myself, "If I could go in the ocean every day I'd be a relatively nice, mentally balanced person." And I realized this was true but also an unrealistic goal.
Gemini
Sometimes I come home from work and go directly to bed because it is the only place that feels easy enough to exist in. I’m typing this as I’m lying in bed because I was afraid that if I didn’t stay in bed and chanced being out in the world, someone might look at me the wrong way and I’d lose it on them. Sometimes there’s so much anger in me I can feel my whole body vibrating in this painful and unceasing way that I can only dull with a lot more sleep medication than I’m supposed to take.
Cancer
I know if I keep waking up eventually I’ll feel different.
Leo
I just want to eat burgers and cheesecake on an endless loop. For the last year I’ve had this never ending hunger that doesn’t go away and I feel like I’m eating myself alive/to death.
Virgo
Probably for just about always until now you knew me as a woman. This is no more. I am neither a woman or a man but maybe also both so please just think of me as a person now. You can say, “Natalie is a non-binary person, isn’t that great/wonderful/exciting/
Libra
One day this will all get better and you have so many new and exciting things to stress-eat about.
Scorpio
You guys need to chill the fuck out.
Sagittarius
Just because you are depressed doesn’t mean you can’t brush your teeth.
Capricorn
Maybe you drink too much too often.
Aquarius
What if this is all a dystopian fever dream and Hillary actually won in 2016?
Pisces
What if we’re already all dead/alive?
Saturday, 13 February 2021
Emotiscopes: We Survived
Horoscopes For Those Trying To Feel Human Emotions
AriesSaturday, 24 October 2020
Emotiscopes- A Declaration!
Horoscopes For Those Trying To Feel Human Emotions
Aries
I talk a lot about feeling empowered in your body in these horoscopes/mental wellness updates/extracurricular rantings. I do this because it's all stuff I struggle to embody myself. It feels like a specific amount of energy needs to be directed towards feeling enough confidence in our physical form to actually leave our houses on the regular, lest we regress into a heap of self-doubt, despair, and begin watching Rock Of Love With Bret Michaels in a week-long depressive cycle (more on that later). In keeping with this, at 36, I got my very first tattoo. It's a pretty simple line drawing of a feminine presenting figure with the words "NOT FOR YOU" written below it on my upper right thigh. I am completely overjoyed with it. If I were to be struck by a comically large falling anvil in this very moment, it is what I would want on my grave stone; it is the image and three words that most perfectly encapsulate how I feel as a person in this time and space. Those three little words for me felt like LIBERATION. They were a door to an entirely new feeling of confidence and self-assuredness. Did I mention that every time I look at my thighs now I am beaming? I am practically manifesting rainbows and hearts and doves out of my eyes, possibly even world peace set to the music of Sigur Ros. By boldly declaring that me and my body are not for you, but for me, I inherited a new found certainty in who I am.
This is a very long-winded and self-absorbed way of me asking what are the three (or four or five or twenty-seven) words you need tattooed (metaphorically, or not?) on your thigh to grant you the confidence to trust yourself, to feel head-over-heels in love with yourself, and wear that out into the world without apology?
I had considered this tattoo for a long time, years even, but for the longest time the words were "Desire me, don't take from me", until I realized that sounded too much like a plea. I needed a declaration. Who you are and how you present is to be curated by no one but you. It's not meant for anyone's comfort but your own. If it's not to everyone's taste/liking/convenience/
Taurus
My Taurus peeps, have you been having unbridled anxiety dreams that leave your left eye constantly twitching lately? A quick tour of mayoclinic.org (because we are refined creatures of civilization and not some kind of primordial monsters using WebMD!!) advised me that this is likely from stress, booze, stress, coffee, or stress. What's eating you, Gilbert Grape?? No really, let's get very granular about this. We're writing down a list of all the possible stressors and what ones you have any kind of control over. Why? Because our anxious little brains love to solve things. We love to pull things apart and analyze each and every millimeter into oblivion so that we have something to occupy our thoughts. Because our thoughts are lonely. They want company! They've been living through a pandemic for over 6 months now and they just want to hang out at the local sauna and listen to offensively offside remarks by entitled old racist/sexist men to fuel their daily outrage!! Okay that last one is maybe not relevant but you see where I'm going with this. Let's gain some awareness into what is forcing our bodies( and minds) into unwanted involuntary movement. What could we give our little brains to chew on that might be more soothing/healing/restful?
Gemini
Pay attention to the person packing your parachute. Because if you fuck them over, they may no longer be that invested in how softly you land.
Cancer
I knew I must have been in a depressive cycle earlier this year when I went on a Rock Of Love With Bret Michaels binge. I have no idea how in the year of our lord 2020 I saw this show for the first time, because this is exactly the type of show I would have loved in the early 2000s. I mean, I watched both seasons of A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila, so it's not as if my tastes were above Rock Of Love. But I have to be honest, something about this show made me really sad. It was as if I was suddenly very aware of the person I was 13 years ago, and how much has changed, but also what hasn't. Please do not think I'm saying that my taste in television has matured because I still eagerly watch trash TV like 90 Day Fiance, but what I am saying is that I connected to the feeling of a 13 years younger me that needed something easy to unload my brain on to and disconnect because everything about myself and the world felt like too, too much. Because most of the time I felt like I was trapped in a room with the walls and the floor and the ceiling slowly moving in until I'd eventually be crushed, and there was no way out and no one was coming to help me. If I'm being honest, even though so much time has passed and so much has changed, I knew watching Rock Of Love that I felt that same way again. I was trapped and I didn't know how to get out. Except I did! Because I've learned how. I made myself physically get up, go outside, and ride my bike fast. When I got home I considered putting Rock Of Love back on, but I realized I didn't need it. I still make bad TV choices, just not that one anymore.
This is also a thinly-veiled metaphor for my romantic partner choices.
Leo
It’s rainy season motherfuckers, so invest in some good pairs of socks and keep those feet dry! Your feet are literally the foundation that you stand on, take care of them.
Virgo
Eat whatever the hell you want. Do you think when you're old as fuck and all the collagen is gone from your skin and you've got cataracts and arthritis and gout you're going to think, "Thank god I didn't go overboard with the donuts"?? Well okay maybe you will I'm not a doctor do not take medical or dietary advice from me but really I think when you're 90 it's not going to matter that much. I don't know, our planet can only sustain us for another decade or so anyway and then the White Walkers are gonna get us for real (and give us the real ending we all deserved!!!) so enjoy yourself.
Libra
Okay but really I know it's been over a year and that fucking ending was TERRIBLE. Bran? BRAN?? Bran, WHO WAS IN A COMA FOR AN ENTIRE SEASON??? I'm sorry, but you brought Jon Snow BACK FROM THE DEAD only to have him NOT become king? Jesus, even one of the ships from the Iron Fleet would have been a better choice. Literally ANYONE BUT BRAN.
Scorpio
You guys need to chill the fuck out.
Sagittarius
I have been told before that I am competitive in a "not normal" type of way, and I took this as a compliment. I get it, I can be INTENSE, but what's the point in trying to hide that? It's going to come out within the first five minutes of a bike ride when we're laughing and having a good time but maybe you casually inch past me and suddenly I can feel a thousand wild mustangs trying to break free from my mortal body breaking the barriers of time and speed and space to touch but for a moment the feeling of true power!! This is to say that I'm not very good at doing most things in moderation which can sometimes be helpful but can also sometimes be a hindrance, so I have to be mindful of how I direct that energy. We're all "not normal" in different ways, we all have our own particular intensities and wild mustangs and that's okay. Stop trying to change who you really are. Figure out what type of horsey you've got trotting around inside you and what she needs to flourish. Find a herd that NEEDS a hyper-competitive filly to make things interesting, but maybe also has the even-temperament of a quarter horse and the bulletproof disposition of a Percheron. What I am saying my dears, is go find your herd of horses.
Capricorn
Anything is possible when you lie.
Aquarius
Water signs we need to clear this up once and for all: THERE IS NO BACKSTROKING IN THE FAST LANE! I cannot stress this point loudly and often enough. Community pools are starting to re-open, and I think there needs to be some public education on the designation of the lanes meant for lap swimming. There is a slow lane. There is a moderate lane. And then there is a FAST lane, which, as its name indicates, is for people who can swim fast. I don't know who needs to hear this (okay well actually I do, but I'm pretending to be polite) but unless you are currently representing a country in competitive swimming YOUR BACKSTROKE IS NOT FAST ENOUGH. Also, the backstroke is for when you are lost at sea and dying and is your last ditch effort at sending a prayer into the heavens before you expire. Are you tired? SO AM I. The breaststroke is a perfectly acceptable recovery stroke. And also, there are TWO WHOLE OTHER LANE OPTIONS for when you want to channel the feeling of sipping on a bellini in the leisure pool at a Mexican all-inclusive. THIS IS NOT A VACATION! This is lap time, and though I'm reluctant to tell anyone what lane they need to stay in, I am 100% comfortable telling you that the fast lane is NOT FOR YOU.
Pisces
I said what I said.
Friday, 25 September 2020
Emotiscopes: Vulnerability
Emotiscopes- Show Some Fucking Vulnerability!!! Edition
Horoscopes For Those Trying To Feel Human Emotions
Aries
Sometimes my chest feels so full that it might overflow, and I feel so incredibly humbled by the expanse of the human spirit and all the small acts of love that string our lives together and hold us together when everything else appears to fall apart. This is an invitation to stand with me in this moment and take my hand and we’ll cry for as long as it takes. Let’s cry for joy, let’s cry for heartache, let’s cry for all the things we’ve lost and didn’t turn out the way we wanted. And then we’ll cry for all the things too beautiful to even put into words that we can recognize in each other’s eyes. I see you.
Taurus
Get your tissues at the ready because this edition of horoscopes is about vulnerability and me watching Eco Challenge 2020 with Bear fucking Grylls. If you have no idea what I’m talking about I demand you google it immediately, and then proceed to watch all 10 episodes. The last time this show aired was 18 years ago, which as someone in their 30s feels like an unfathomable amount of time. Anyway I pretty much cried through every episode of this latest edition because I was so moved by the heart showed by each of the teams and their unwavering grit at attempting a 700km long endurance race. These people were tremendous, and probably examples of what the human spirit is capable of overcoming when we commit ourselves to something as a group and truly support each other through tropical storms and navigation errors and heat stroke and trying to beat that superhuman New Zealand team. Isn’t life just a giant endurance race, after all?
Gemini
Get on your bike and yell at people to go read a book by a woman. Is this street harassment, or activism? I don’t know. I’ll leave it up to you Gemini’s and your dual nature to decide.
Cancer
If you are hurting right now, instead of trying to distract yourself, I might recommend diving full into the depth of that pain. It will no doubt hurt, as all things worth doing usually are, but once you’ve immerse yourself in the deep end of the pool and you’ve sat at the bottom for a while, you’ll find that you eventually need to come up for air. Go find the movie Arrival, because that is what coming up for air will feel like.
Arrival is about aliens that suddenly appear on earth in random places. Amy Adams plays Louise, a linguist, who is brought in to translate the alien’s language. It’s not so much an alien movie but instead a movie about the circular nature of life and death, beginnings and endings, and how we perceive our lives through the dimension of time. It’s a beautiful metaphor for how to feel our heartbreak while still keeping our hearts open. It’s a movie about grief, and how it can give us the superpower to profoundly connect with those around us, if we let it.
Remember that when someone closes a door, it will hurt to know that something we cared about has come to an end, but it also opens up space to deepen our emotional intimacy with others. Sometimes that kind of closure is necessary for other relationships to grow, though we often can’t see it at the time. Let the door close, wish them well, but don’t let your heart close with it. Doors can be both an arrival and a departure, depending on your perspective.
So go watch this movie as many times as needed. Personally, I tend to watch it after any major breakups, but then also around every New Year to remind myself that beginnings and endings aren't always as finite as we believe. However, if this is terrible advice and you hate this movie, then please proceed to spend the next 8-12 hours watching Garderner's World because Monty Don and an entire show literally dedicated to watching flowers grow is the perfect balm for any and all kinds of pain.
Leo
You can fight me on this but this unspoken rule of needing to wear a bra anytime you are out in public is horseshit and just another example of the vast reach of the patriarchy’s wormy hands on women’s bodies. FREE UR BOOBIES (if you want to).
Virgo
Years ago, I was on a leisurely excursion with one of the most wonderful people that I’ve ever had the privilege to know (this is you, Jill McQueen). We used to drive out to Sidney and wander in and out of all the little shops on Beacon Ave for the better part of an afternoon, and chit chat and look around. I can only imagine that the joy and ease and comfort and acceptance that I felt in Jill’s company is what a lot of people might have found growing up in their families. And she probably doesn’t remember this, because it was such a small, inconsequential moment, but we found ourselves in a pretty card shop and Jill called me over to see something. I don’t remember if it was a card or decorative napkins, but it was a silly cartoon of a mouse (and maybe a cat?), and she excitedly showed it to me and read the sentence noted at the bottom, “What I like most about you is your vulnerability.”
Did that even make sense? It doesn’t matter. Find a Jill McQueen and let her into your heart and never let her go because she will always see you for who you really are and love you for it.
Libra
What story would you have to let go of if you looked at your body and decided it was worthy just as it is in that very moment? Your body has gotten you this far in life, so it's obviously doing a pretty good job. Have you gained weight? Enjoy it. Have you lost weight? Enjoy it. Has the shape of your stomach/legs/butt/shoulders/
Scorpio
You guys need to chill the fuck out (and connect to your vulnerability!)
Sagittarius
You are feeling ambivalent and lost. I’m not advocating for you to become a shut-in, because noted good-looking-person Leonardo DiCaprio already showed us in The Aviator just how ugly that can become. But I’m also not not advocating for you to become a shut-in, if only temporarily, so that you can safely allow yourself some time to feel ambivalent and lost within the confines of your own home (BECAUSE ALSO WE ARE STILL IN THE THROES OF A PANDEMIC). Sometimes flinging ourselves from one event to another, no matter how pleasurable those events may or may not be, can serve as a way of hedging us against our own thoughts and feelings. Narratives can be healing, and for this reason I encourage you to connect to a narrative that resonates in your heart. If I was giving very great advice, I’d suggest you go and read Dear Sugar: Tiny, Beautiful Things, or A Chronology of Water, or anything by Roxane Gay, but I’m limited to giving mostly adequate advice in the form of questionable horoscopes, so I’m going to tell you to get cozy on the couch / your bed / the bathtub, and fire up your streaming service of choice(but please do not actually start a fire if you are mixing water and electrical outlets). To open your heart go watch season 6, episode 3 of Chef's Plate, and specifically listen to the cadence and timbre in Asma Khan’s voice when she says, "Use your life to make a difference."
Let her tell you the story of how she was once so lost in her own life that she no longer felt any purpose and was falling apart at the seams; how her unraveling led her to find how she could nourish herself back into being, and how she could do it for others.
Pay attention to her story, because her story is yours and also mine and also each and every one of us. What’s beautiful is that though you may feel ambivalent and lost, you are also reaching for something to lift you up. Reaching is what will propel you forward. Reach inside yourself and ask what your spirit needs to feel nourished. Ask yourself why you feel ambivalent and lost. To answer the why you must be willing to confront yourself without completely abandoning yourself to a passive TV binge, or food binge, or sleep binge. You can do something actively while also remaining very still. Actively listen to Asma’s narrative, and see how that makes you feel. If that doesn’t lift you, then please go back to my very great advice.
Capricorn
If you saw me today and told me every inch of the truth, and pulled your heart out for me to see, every sloppy stitch showing, every part you thought too shameful or ugly or unlovable, and you looked me in the eyes and let me see the real truth, I would forgive you. If you reached out an open palm, I would reach back. Because I loved you. Because I loved you as wholly and completely as I could. How could I not, after so long, after all we’d seen together? Of course I loved you. I don’t want to hide how much this hurts because that would be a betrayal to just how much you meant to me. I’m probably making it sound like you died because I’m somewhat incapable of expressing things without slamming down my feeling buttons in ALL CAPS, but in truth it felt like I had to let die the part of you that had moved into my heart. Sometimes there are things inside us that need to die in order to move forward. We owe it to ourselves to recognize that having to do that is hard, and painful, and conflicted, and full of doubt, and likely something we won’t take very well and could take a long time to do. Now please let me forget everything about you so it doesn't hurt so much anymore. Please disappear from my memory forever. I loved you once, but not anymore.
Aquarius
Sometimes I feel so lonely I think my body might collapse in on itself; like there’s nothing there to hold it together. I feel like a never ending pit, like a black hole pulling everything in my orbit into an abyss. Sometimes I don’t know how to make it to the next breath, and yet somehow I do. Somehow we endure. We can endure just about anything. We can endure this. I’m with you.
Pisces
If someone is faced with losing some of the most important relationships in their life, and they choose to do nothing, you have to understand just how much they hate themselves to not try and make it better. Trust me, I get how much it hurts to have someone admit to being a dead-end person but also admit that they will do nothing about it. Trust that this will likely never change. Trust that this is not your fault. Trust that there are people out there with whom you can be truly vulnerable with, and they will not take advantage of it. They will recognize you. They will see you.
Monday, 27 July 2020
Emotiscopes: Pandemic
Taurus
Gemini
Cancer
Leo
Virgo