Boyfriend in a Box: Cold Hard Truth Edition

Alexander Skarsgard. Not a BF in a Box.
Just a ridiculously good looking man, in a
ridiculous good looking suit. Just because.

When I was maybe 13 or 14, there was this cheap jewelry store in our mall that catered to teenage girls. You probably had something similar. It was where you'd go to buy one of those BFF 4EVAH necklaces for you and your girl friend, or a pretty (as pretty as $8 will get you) necklace to wear to the coed but also supervised party someone's parents was letting them throw, or just your go-to store for when you and your friends would walk over to the mall in the summer time. One time, my friend and I came across something called "Boyfriend in a Box". It came with everything you'd expect a 14 year old to have if she had some cool, older boyfriend, and lived in a movie where teenagers gave each other glossy head shots of one another, a list of their extracurricular activities and interests, and cheesy love notes no actual human would ever write. I take that back, Stephenie Meyer probably would.

Anyway. A while back, a friend and I were joking about what the adult version would look like. We made up a few imaginary ones like "Hunky Humanitarian Hernando" and "Business Executive Bill" and "Doesn't Want His Identity To Be Judged By The Job He Hates Dennis". We laughed at the things we imagined you would find in the box set. Things like a long sleeve button-down to casually leave lying on your sofa, a toothbrush in a man color, a pricier but not too pricey men's watch to leave on your nightstand, a Greenpeace donation form, an issue of The Economist, and a pair of boxer-briefs to put in your laundry. 

It was the start of something big, and yet it felt not quite specific enough. Sure, Hernando sounds great and everything, but let's keep this legit. Boyfriend In A Box just got a slap in the face with the truth. Ladies, buckle up. This shit is about to get real. 

. The Older Man- Is super complimentary, almost to the point of suspicion, but who doesn't love being told they're gorgeous? Yeah, you're totally not complaining. It does seem like he asks a lot about you, but never reveals too much about himself. But maybe he's just really interested in getting to know you? And your insecurities.

He pretty much never answers his phone at night and on weekends. Instead, he will text you or email, and always seems to have some reason that sort of makes sense as to why he can't pick up his phone.

He rarely sleeps over, and convinces you that expecting your boyfriend to stay over on a semi-regular basis is a weird, distorted and outlandish request in a relationship.

You will begin to get a horrible, sanity-flaying feeling that something is not right, but you won't know what it is.

Turns out, you aren't crazy; the Older Man had just been lying. About pretty much everything. From the fact that he had never actually been single; to why even after a year he never introduced you to his friends, family, and only ever came to your house; to the amount of time he spent in the hospital when he told you he was recovering from a serious condition; and right up to when he said you were going to move to a new city together, find a house, and you almost completely uprooted your own business and life to step even deeper into his grave of lies.

The box set comes with: Diminished sense of self-worth; emails that reveal more lies that you found when a frantic feeling of suspicion sent you to snooping; an anniversary card from his wife; a paranoia that all subsequent men will be hiding something awful; invoices from lengthy therapy sessions; a few beautiful pieces of jewelry; a cross-country move; confirmation that you should always trust your gut instincts.

. The Strong Starting Juicebox- Seems pretty good at first. He does some genuinely kind and caring things like picking up you and your girlfriend from the bar at 2am when you've gone out and gotten sloppy drunk, and then puts you to bed and walks your dogs. He takes you on a few day-long driving trips (something that makes you so, so happy), and you have what is maybe the tastiest, salty-little-piece-of-heaven giant pretzel ever. A few days later he surprises you with his own homemade pretzels. It is these things that lead you to ignore some of the red flags that pop up along the way. Like the way he will sometimes toss out unexpectedly barbed comments that are meant to remind you that although he likes you, he doesn't like you too, too much; or the occasional offhand comment criticizing your personal style, wardrobe, or hair. It is when you begin to get into arguments that you realize he doesn't understand how to keep the fights clean, and it quickly devolves into what feels like a toxic whirlpool that makes you feel a panicky sadness, uncharacteristically unconfident in yourself, and as though you just should have never said anything in the first place so as not to have made him upset. When you try to talk it about it, you are met with accusations that you are crazy, twist everything around, and that your bullshit cost you a friend and a boyfriend.

The box set comes with: A bouquet of flowers to immediately throw in the trash; a pair of lightly used big boy pants; a cell phone number you will delete; a regained realization and unwavering need to hold yourself to higher standards; and also, further proof that drinking and texting are never a good idea. No good things ever come from this. Only things that are unnecessary and you later regret, and yet you always seem to forget this.

And that’s why you always leave a note.

Bonus item: A note to your future self, “Hey, you with the hair. Stop acting like an idiot and/or like a 19 year old. And wash your goddamn dishes already.”

. The One You Loved, But Could Not Marry- He will always be one of the nicest, kindest people you've ever met. You are together for a long time, and a lot of that time is some of the happiest you've known, but it still isn't enough. He treats you like absolute gold, and you know that you sometimes take advantage of this. You are not proud of this. You love him, and you know that he would do just about anything for you, and it's sort of disheartening that this brings out a quiet unrest in you. You find yourself sometimes committing selfish acts of sabotage, yet he never walks out. He never calls you crazy, even when you do something that might legitimately warrant that description. He never fights back, and is somehow always able to diffuse you when you've got your gloves on. He is a gem among men, and you have a good, happy, and laughter-filled relationship, and yet there is something in you that is not fulfilled.

You feel a cold sadness when one day you realize that fundamentally, you are not the same. You realize the things that in the long run are truly important to him, are not to you. You know that the hardest but kindest thing that you can do, is to leave. You know that you tried to be cold and tried to not do the awful friends thing so that he would be able to move on. You know that you hurt him deeply, and for that you are sorry.

The box set comes with: Two weeks worth of food he prepared for you on the day you moved out because he knows you hate to cook, and he didn't want you to go hungry; a puppy you got together; three years of wonderful memories; an apartment amount of furniture that he helps you take to your new one; a retrospective understanding of what a healthy, loving relationship looks and feels like, one that you will sometimes think of longingly when you manage to put yourself in relationships of the unhealthy variety.

. The Friend- You've never been anything except just friends, but the fact that you think so highly of him makes you sometimes wonder what if. He gives you the best, most straightforward advice that always steers you in the right direction. It's a terrific, intelligent and supportive friendship. It makes you feel like someone believes in you, and believes and encourages and inspires you in the things you strive to accomplish. And because his friendship is so important to you, you would never want to risk it. Even after the time he was describing his ideal girl and you thought, "I am just like that! Why does this sound like me? Does this sound like me? Is this a coincidence?" But you played it cool, and were happy when he found someone that made him happy.

You hope that you will be friends for a long time, but if one day in a terrifying but exhilarating turn he realizes that he is crazy about you and wants to run away to Cartegena, Colombia with you or whatever; well, that would probably be pretty okay too. Worst case, you know you'd still have some excellent conversations.

The box set comes with: Tickets to a great show you saw together; books and articles that you've suggested to each other and you consume with awe and wonder; perfectly blunt advice that you refer back to often; some sort of small, tacky or culturally/religiously insensitive gift that always makes you laugh; a person for whom you think the world of.

. The Ghost- He was wonderful, and someone you always thought would be a part of your life, even if just in the form of a friend, because you got along so exceptionally well, and you always felt like you were both the same kind of weird.

Then one day, without explanation, he disappeared. Your texts go unanswered, as do your facebook messages where he had also unfriended you. But you don't even feel angry. You just feel confused, and so very sad. The ghost of someone who used to be a part of your life now silently reminds you of the conversations you'll never have, the accomplishments you'll never get to excitedly share with them, the friend who is no longer.

 You didn’t know that the last time you saw him was goodbye.

The box set comes with: The old emails you cannot bring yourself to delete; a heartache you cannot shake regardless of how much you'd like to; a souvenir he brought you back from abroad that was also a part of a joke between you; an overwhelmingly physical feeling of being gutted when you see him one day from afar, but you just keep walking because you know that he is gone.

-Natalie Bell lives on an island and does not have a boyfriend, but she does have a lot of pets. 

Things I Am Afraid Of

I remember being in, maybe grade 5? Our English teacher made us write an anonymous letter talking about the things that we were afraid of. I'm pretty sure this was after we had just watched one of those PSA videos on the birds and bees of growing up. At one point in the video a young girl accidentally dropped a tampon right in front of the boy she had a crush on. We all laughed at her, but in the video the boy picked it up for her and smiled. Thanks a lot PSA, that NEVER happened to me. In fact, my mom wouldn’t even buy me tampons for the longest time because she thought they were “Too much like a penis.” Yup. Oh Mom, I love you. Those were the actual words that were used one day when we got into an argument in the feminine hygiene aisle at the pharmacy.

I sort of suspect that those anonymous letters were just a time killer for our teacher that day, and I was a little upset because I felt like I poured my fucking heart out into that letter and we never heard or saw anything to do with them again.

I remember writing that I was afraid to get my period, I was afraid of my parents dying, and I was afraid of growing up and not knowing what to do. My parents did not die (yay!), but I did get my period, and eventually realized that no know really knows what to do; they just trick you into thinking otherwise.

It would be fair to say that a lot has changed since that day in grade 5; namely that I am now afraid of a shit ton more things. Oh childhood, it was all so much easier when legitimate fears where things like whether Wolverine would survive having the adamantium ripped from his body, or if I would find my plastic Apatosaurus that I left near the pool the other day.

What am I afraid of now? Well friends, here is what my adult list would say:

. Sharks- The logical part of my brain tells me it is very, very unlikely I would be attacked by a shark while swimming in the ocean. The Discovery Channel tells me that if I was, it would be a mistake. My right leg and half missing torso tells me that is a pretty big fucking mistake.

. Millipedes- The big ones with the long, hairy legs. Groooss! Dry heave.

. Air kisses- I think this is self-explanatory.

. Kevin Bacon- Have you seen Hollow Man???

. Stephenie Meyer continuing to be a New York Times Bestseller.

. Game of Thrones season 3 not being as fucking badass as season 1 & 2 because SPOILER: the zombie-walkers or whatever, were exterior-shot-of-the-submarine-from-LOST lame. Totally ruined it for me. Zombies are stupid, so let's just never go there again, okay?

. My body slowly starting to fail me.

. My dogs eating my new Sperry Top-Siders. Again.

. I'm still afraid of my parents dying, because jesus christ, they've always been here! I love them! Please don't leave me yet. I'm not ready.

. Crocs- Please. Just stop it with these horrible atrocities against good taste.

. Stupid superficial stuff like my boobs getting saggy, my face getting wrinkly, my ass getting flat.

. Never paying off my debt.

. That you will let logic win out over your heart.

. Angie never leaving her husband for me.

. STEVE HOLT! Not getting his chance on the big screen.

. Never getting to see Celine Dion in concert. Serious. I love that woman. Her televised concerts make me cry big, ugly, baby tears.

. I am afraid that you are gone forever, and that I will never see you again. I miss the way you talk.

. My dogs one day figuring out how to surmount the impenetrable wall (i.e. the long, skinny mirror that is turned lengthwise and lies across the doorway in front of my bedroom).

. Getting my period unexpectedly while sleeping at a boy's house.

. Unexpectedly not getting my period after sleeping at a boy's house.

. Fish touching me. That's not a euphemism for anything. I mean that. Seriously. No touching.

. That the wizard is still holding my heart hostage.

. That the wizard is actually Alexander Skarsgard, and he will never realize that we are actually soul mates destined to dance together in the garden of passion and love (and sexy times!) for all of eternity, until the end of time.

. I am afraid not of being alone, but ending up alone.

. Even more, falling into the security of thinking that someone will always be there, because the truth of it is, they won't. No one ever is. None of us are bulletproof. None of us are impervious to disease and illness and cancer and life and time. None of us are immortal.
And what if they come to see you fully, to know you inside and out, to love you in a way you had previously not known; then one day, after years and years and family and birthdays and holidays and good days and bad days and couch days and so many days, they leave? 
I am afraid of being blindsided.

. I am afraid that this doesn’t get easier. But I don’t think that it’s supposed to.

- Natalie Bell, surprisingly, sleeps pretty soundly at night.

Angie and I Talk About Our Period Underwear

Oh, what's that? You missed Shark Week? Dry your eyes little dragons, because there's another kind of Shark Week I'll bet you didn't even know about, and it's a whole lot bloodier. Yup. I'm talking about Period Week. My sister referred to it as that one time, and it pretty much took off from there. 

So listen up dudes, we think it's disgusting too, but it's just a part of life. Deal with it. You know what else is disgusting? Peeing in the shower. The difference is that's not just a part of life, that's a choice. And this is why boys are not allowed at my house.

Angie: Hey, have you had this spa treatment yet?

Me: Oh yeah. I had that on my first day here. It was great, though overwhelming. I had literally just arrived in town the day before after driving across the country, and then showed up for my first day of work, and I think I was still on EST and feeling all kinds of weird emotions that I can't talk about because ewww, feelings. But I just felt unprepared, though extremely grateful to get this awesome treatment right off the bat.

Angie: Unprepared?

Me: Yeah, well I mean I wasn't expecting to have a massage or anything, and I had just been in a car for 5 days, and I was wearing trousers, so I hadn't shaved in awhile. Also, don't judge me, I was wearing underwear from the shark week roster. Because of the 5 day car thing... and definitely not because I was too lazy to dig out a nice pair.

And then on top of that I had never had a treatment with the body scrub and bath part too, so when the therapist told me to get fully undressed, I was all "You want me to get naked?" and "You are also staying in the room while I have a bath?" I didn't know it was for safety purposes, and not for, you know, voyeur purposes.

Angie: Hahaha! Shark week roster. You have that too?

Me: I just assumed everyone did.

Angie: One time I went to the chiropractor, and I was totally wearing shark week panties, but it's not like you could tell how battleworn they were, I thought, but then the chiro off-handedly says, "Oh, interesting colour."

Me: Your chiro commented on the colour of your underwear?

Angie: Yes! So when I got home I was all paranoid they were stained and I had to thoroughly check.

Me: Wow. That was pretty unprofessional of the chiro. Unprofesh.

Angie: But maybe it was just because they were Ron Burgandy coloured?

Me: Maybe he likes Scotch?

Angie: Take me to Pleasure Town.

Me: Oh you minxy little seductress! Please stop making advances that you are not prepared to follow through on, otherwise I am going to HR.

Angie: Ugh, I also have these underwear that my mom sent me that are, and I have no idea why she would buy these for me, a large, and come like half way up my waist.

Me: But you are at your bloatiest, maybe an extra small!

Angie: I know. But they really are comfortable and the waist band doesn't cut into me and now they are all worn, so I threw them into the shark week lineup. But soooo much material!

Me: Hahaha! Remember (name redacted)? She had these pair of jeans that were super old but she said she kept them for the very same comfort reasons. She said her husband affectionately named them the Mat Leave Jeans.

Angie: Yes! They are just like that. Ryan (the husband) jokes that if I ever didn't make it to the bathroom in time, it would be no big deal because there is so much extra room. He sarcastically calls them the Skanky ones.

Me: Whoa. If that ever happened, I think they would be the Stanky ones.

Angie: Mra haha! High five!

*We high five*

Me: If there was anything worse than blood bath underwear, would it be slightly-chewed-by-dogs underwear? I mean, the really chewed ones I throw out, I'm not disgusting. But the others, they only have a few small teeth holes.

Angie: But I bet they are comfy?

Me: So comfy!

Angie: You totally wore shark week/slightly chewed undies on your first day, didn't you?

Me: Yup.

Angie: Lunchtime!

Toasty Roast!

Recently, my friend, coworker, and (fake) brother announced that he would be leaving our motley crew at work. We were all devastated, though perhaps somewhat relieved there would again be room in front of the mirror. We decided to show our  love and send him off in the only way that seemed appropriate- we roasted the shit out of that mouthy little troublemaker. 

So with love, Brother, this one's for you.

I remember the first day I met you. I had maybe only been working 2-3 days. I was sitting in the old office and you were talking to our manager, and I can only assume you were in a more generous mood than normal because you proceeded to tell her that she looked miserable and dumpy that day. It made me wonder, "Who is this insolent, scruffy-haired teenage lesbian, and how does she still have a job here?"

I love that the Employee of the Month program was discontinued because you rigged it. Uh, I mean, because you won it after an overwhelming outpouring of support and recognition for your tireless efforts inundated the ballot box. You have the proof after all. You did make us all write congratulatory statements for you.

I was surprised at Halloween when our boss trusted you firstly, with an Exacto knife, and secondly, to carve our department pumpkin. But then it all made sense when I realized that it was just a sneaky way of keeping you in your corner, away from everyone else, and keeping you busy.

You also managed to make me feel genuine concern for your well-being when late one night when we were both closing and there was only one guest left in the spa, I heard a blood-curdling shriek from downstairs. I called the dispensary phone, no answer, your cell, no answer, and when I ran downstairs to make sure you were okay, I saw a trail of discarded towels that looked to have been dropped in some sort of emergency. No joke, I thought something horrible had happened to you, and that you maybe had fallen somewhere and were bleeding out on our beautiful marble floors. Turns out, you were just really upset that the Canucks had been scored against.

Your continual chirps about my hair, and how when I wear it in a bun you ask if I just came from working the deli counter at the grocery store, have strangely, become an endearing part of the day I look forward to. I like your new hair by the way, just a few inches longer in front and some highlights and you'll be giving Kate Gosselin circa 2009 a real run for her money.

But Brother, for all the flack we may give you, you were still one of the only people who managed to show up to work when the city almost didn't survive the one day snow storm of January 2012. People were warned to stay at home, the military base was shut down, all flights and ferries were cancelled, martial law was just about put into effect, but the spa was still open, and you bravely and against all odds demonstrated Herculean strength of character when you took the bus to work for the first time in your life. Sure, your mom watched from the window to see that you boarded it safely; I wouldn't doubt that she probably paid your fare and talked to the bus driver to make sure he knew where you needed to go. And then she felt so bad for making you take public transportation that she paid for you to take a cab home, but I don't want that to take away from your heroic efforts.

And now you're venturing off to a new city, into uncharted territory. Namely, you'll actually have to do your own laundry, buy groceries, cook meals, and clean up your apartment... on the days your cleaning lady is sick, and the care package from your mom arrives late.

You confided in me that you're thinking of going into modeling there, to which I say, you definitely have the right look to be a great hand model. And I've always thought you'd make a terrific actor. Your impression of a manatee marooned on the lunch room couch is always flawless, and I felt like your turn as a helpless toddler, trapped in the body of a 6"2 twenty-six year old working at a spa, was an Oscar-worthy performance. It was reminiscent of Sean Penn in I Am Sam.

Failing that, you've got the perfect face for the radio. But keep working out. One day you'll meet a wonderful girl, and a chiselled body will be her only consolation in a lifetime of tuna melts, Canuck open weeps, and never being as good as your mom at tucking you in at night.

Really though, you are my friend, and I am so glad that you are. I've always thought that anyone who is ballsy and sharp-witted enough to chirp me will likely become a good friend. I decided to give you a pass on the sharp-witted part regardless.

You are a kind, warm-hearted, and caring friend. I was going to say man, but I'm not sure if that has happened yet, and I didn't feel comfortable asking your mom. You've always been there to listen to me when another boy has dumped me or deleted me on facebook, and offer your support and advice. I'll miss the nights when we both had the closing shifts and would walk to our cars together, the times when we watched hockey games in the men's change room and ate yogurts, and I'll never forgot the time I was heartbroken and on the verge of tears, and you wrote a creepy note to cheer me up.

Brother, you will always be the heart of Team WSS (albeit a heart that takes frequent and extended lunch breaks), you will always be an unofficial member of the Bell family, and Mom still thinks you have a HOTT BODD. I am going to miss you. So very much! I mean that. The lunch room couch is going to be so cold without you.

Love,

Natalie

In. Love.

BFFing

Recently, one of my best friends was visiting, and it always reminds me of the really important things in life.

I met this friend 11 years ago, when we were both bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and on one of our first training courses in the military.

I pretty much instantly disliked him.

He poked fun at me, gave me a hard time, and had this uncanny ability to always be around when something was going wrong so that he could quietly chirp, "Well, this isn't going the way you thought it would, now is it?"

He was one of those tall, slender assholes that could effortlessly run long distances. This was made even more annoying by the fact that he was also a smoker, but that never seemed to deter his abilities. I can run, but keeping up with a pack of guys, an incredulous amount of whom were also tall, slender jerks that probably went for casual jogs with the Kenyan cross-country team or something, was not the easiest for me. I'm pretty sure that my friend/nemesis at the time would purposely drop back to run beside me so that he could say things like, "Oh, looks like someone is looking a little tired this morning. You're not going to fall out, are you, Bell?" And then he'd trot right back up to the front. I don't really remember how often this happened, but I remember it happened at least once, and my reaction was always to utter his name in the same way and tone as Jerry Seinfeld would say, "Newman."

Turns out, we were just best friends waiting to happen, and I suspect he had always known this, and was maybe the reason for all the chirping. And now over a decade later our friendship is held strongly together by all the good-natured teasing and jokes. So much so that when I meet new people, if they're ballsy enough to poke some fun at me, I pretty much instantly know we'll get along just swimmingly.

What I've always so greatly appreciated in all the years we've been friends, even when there have been long periods of time without visits, is that we've always been able to pick right back up as if we had seen each other yesterday. I think the best friendships are like that, because there is a deep understanding of each other, and I think when you get right down to it, you are same kind of weird.

My friend has the rare ability to make me really laugh out loud, and the little games that we play out of self-amusement make me the kind of happy I remember feeling as a kid when I would set up prehistoric worlds across the lawn with my plastic dinosaurs and play with my friends. My best friend growing up was also a boy, and he had all the same qualities: effortlessly deadpan funny, made me erupt into fits of uncontrolled giggles, and just so fucking smart in the way that intelligence of that kind sometimes gets them into trouble.

It's time spent with these kinds of people; the people that make you feel understood, and make you laugh, and make you feel the kind of happiness that doesn't come along every day, that I think you understand what all this time is really for.

And obviously, that time is for quoting Vin Diesel movies. 

Natalie Bell is excited for when the 6th Fast & Furious movie comes out. She's betting there'll be some pretty decent one-liners.

I Don't Know... Science?

This one's for you, Tommy.

I really like movies. I watch a lot of them. I also really like bad actions movies. Explosions? Yes. Cheesy one-liners? Yes! HOTT BODDS? YAASSSS!!! Steamy sexy-time* scenes? REPEAT VIEWINGS!!!!!!!!!!

And then throw in cars, boats, or cowboys, and you've pretty much got the best two hours of my week.



So this brings us to the upcoming entry in the Bourne series, The Bourne Lethargy, or whatever. Truth- I've never been a huge fan of these films. Maybe it's because I'll never believe Will Hunting as some sort of super-duper-ninja-spy. Super-smaht-math whiz-also purchaser of a zoo? Yes. I totally buy Matt Damon as an animal/apple enthusiast. But a Bond-ish type dude? He just doesn't have the quads for it.

Enter Jeremy Renner. I totally get what Elisabeth was going on about when she openly invited him to find the pot o' gold into her pants. I'd co-sign that statement! BY TAKING OFF ALL MY CLOTHES AND CHAINING HIM TO MY BED. 

But why? What is it about this guy that is so beguilingly, pants-off sexy? Is it science? 
I've been enjoying him in my dreams since Dahmer, WHERE HE PLAYED A SERIAL KILLER. Yeah, I know, that's messed up. 

And does anyone remember him in P!nk's Trouble video? Oh god, do I. HE WAS A BAD, SEXY COWBOY! A COWBADBOY!!!! Ugh, I need to go do some laundry.

Jer, I don't want to be too forward, but you have a standing appointment in my bedroom. Do me a favour and wear the cowboy hat, but not much else.

I'll be patiently waiting,

Natalie
xoxo

* Seriously, a horrendously bad movie/show can totally be redeemed by said HOTT BODDS stripping down and getting all up ons. True Blood pretty much relies on this. I mean, at this point does anyone even care about the fairies, Lilith Fair, or LOST's smoke monster's career revival, so long as we get to see Eric TAKING A LAP AROUND BOOM CITY?!?!? Of course not. I second what Eric said at the end of this week's episode, "What are you doing?" WHAT ARE YOU DOING, ALAN BALL? Where is the episode where my favourite Nordic vampire goes on a scorching-hot sex rampage?? I'm still waiting.