Emoticopes: Death Becomes Her/Them

Emotiscopes

Horoscopes For Those Trying To Feel Human Emotions 

 

 

Aries

 

I keep having dreams/nightmares that wake me up. I wake up and realize I’m crying. It’s very hard to shake. I’m becoming uneasy about going to sleep which is pretty inconvenient because recently I’m not really enjoying being awake either. Welcome to hell.

 

Taurus

 

If I haven’t responded to you or called or texted please know it is because I’m deeply depressed most of the time and struggling to find the energy to be passably human. Yesterday I was trying to set some goals and said to myself, "If I could go in the ocean every day I'd be a relatively nice, mentally balanced person." And I realized this was true but also an unrealistic goal.

 

Gemini

 

Sometimes I come home from work and go directly to bed because it is the only place that feels easy enough to exist in. I’m typing this as I’m lying in bed because I was afraid that if I didn’t stay in bed and chanced being out in the world, someone might look at me the wrong way and I’d lose it on them. Sometimes there’s so much anger in me I can feel my whole body vibrating in this painful and unceasing way that I can only dull with a lot more sleep medication than I’m supposed to take.

Cancer

 

I know if I keep waking up eventually I’ll feel different.

 

Leo

 

I just want to eat burgers and cheesecake on an endless loop. For the last year I’ve had this never ending hunger that doesn’t go away and I feel like I’m eating myself alive/to death.

 

Virgo

 

Probably for just about always until now you knew me as a woman. This is no more. I am neither a woman or a man but maybe also both so please just think of me as a person now. You can say, “Natalie is a non-binary person, isn’t that great/wonderful/exciting/something to celebrate?!?” If you hear someone mention me using she/her pronouns if you could gently correct them with they/them pronouns that would mean the world to me. Thank-you, I love you.

 

Libra

 

One day this will all get better and you have so many new and exciting things to stress-eat about.

 

Scorpio

 

You guys need to chill the fuck out. 

 

Sagittarius

 

Just because you are depressed doesn’t mean you can’t brush your teeth.

 

Capricorn

 

Maybe you drink too much too often.

 

Aquarius 

 

What if this is all a dystopian fever dream and Hillary actually won in 2016?

 

Pisces

 

What if we’re already all dead/alive?

Emotiscopes: We Survived

Horoscopes For Those Trying To Feel Human Emotions

Aries 

 Please feel me reach through the computer screen and bring you in close for a full, open-hearted hug. This last year has been HARD, and it's worth taking a moment to note that. It's okay to feel that even, to feel the heavy weight of a global catastrophe that has affected every living being on this earth. And yet here we still are. Our human hearts sometimes forget how strong we are. 

When I was 26 I was in an abusive relationship I didn't know how to escape from, so I tried to kill myself, and when my boyfriend saw he tried to leave me on my bathroom floor. I thought that was as far as I was ever going to get. I didn't know my heart had the strength to keep going, to make it out, to survive. A decade later and sometimes I still forget. I get tangled with worry and forget that I did make it out. I forget that I did what just about every part of me thought was impossible: I got away, rebuilt, and stayed alive. But now here we all are, facing down death, and having to continue our day to day lives as we do it. I don't know what to say to make this easier. I don't know how to make it feel less frightening or heavy or unrelenting or horrific. The only thing I know how to say with any kind of hope is this: We survived.

  

Taurus 

Sometimes when things are really grim, a bit of levity goes a long way. I was compelled the other night to re-watch Magic Mike XXL (because if you haven't already seen this movie at least 3 times what life have you even been living??). What a glorious thing. I smiled and giggled like a teen from 1999 at a Backstreet Boys concert. It made me feel a lightness that I don't think I've felt since before any of us had even heard of the word Covid. It was a JOY. I cannot recommend this enough as a balm to these bleak and weary times. Did I think I was going to find respite from this neverending nightmare amongst Channing Tatum's abs and Matt Bomer's earnest-as-fuck rendition of "Heaven"? No I did not, BUT I DID! I cannot properly express how soundly I slept that night. And the next day? POSITIVELY HOPEFUL! Who knew a movie about a bunch of hot bods finding their purpose through the power of dance would be the true vaccine against this unrelenting dumpster fire reality?? 

Gemini 

Sometimes there are days when I lie down in my bed in the middle of the day and it feels soothing to lie there in silence, listening to the sounds of the house and the wind and the street outside. As a person frequently crushed by depression, I'm still unsure if this habit is a balm or a bandaid. It could very well be both. There's a certain amount of safety I feel getting under the covers, not having to speak to anyone or listen to anything, and lie still until I feel my lifeforce return to my body and usher me back into the world. I routinely feel guilty about how often I actually have to do this in order to even leave my house on a regular basis. What are your own balms and bandaids? Do they make you feel better? 

Cancer 

Why is staying in shape so fucking hard? What shape am I even supposed to be? What are the newly approved body shapes for 2021 as co-signed by the patriarchy, Big Media, Dove Body commercials, Maxim covers (does this magazine still exist??), and online dating profiles? Good grief it's exhausting. I would like to live in a world where I can go ride my bike for 5 hours and expend 3000 calories because my brain lacks a moderation button and then apply that same impulsiveness to my meals for the next week and just have it all even out. I absolutely do not care about spending any time thinking about macros and caloric deficits, I just want a fucking burger! I want to eat burgers and be able to pass old people on my bike while also still fitting into pants. That's all I want. I don't need to be some kind of quadzilla like Robert Forstermann, or look like Puck Moonen (who is more than just a "cycling babe"!!!). I don't know where I'm going with this horoscope but your body is probably fine and we've all gotten fat from the constant and unrelenting fear that this is the end of days so you can tell anyone who says anything hurtful about your body to promptly go and fuck off. Tell them I said that. 

Leo 

Speaking of survival, aren't you still upset about that weak-ass, cop-out of a death for our one and only KAH-WEEN CERSEI?? You should be. She was the baddest bitch and just about outsmarted all those motherfuckers only to be crumpled by a tower of a million jenga blocks with her dumb brother. She AT LEAST deserved to go out by getting dracarys-ed by Drogon, or be given to Dorne, or have to finally face the fiscal irresponsibility of her debts. This is the woman who tricked like 90% of her enemies into the Sept of Baelor which she then blew up and smugly watched from her balcony while sipping wine like a pro sommelier silently judging all the messy bachelorette parties at a winery who just want rosé . This bitch was serving RUH-VAHNGE like the woman who convinces her cheating partner to get their names tattoed on each other, only to go last and then just leave instead. She is the stone-cold queen in high school who yells, "If I wanted to hurt your feelings, you'd be CRYING right now, bitch!". This woman was given some kind of rachet-ass haircut, made to walk naked through the streets while haters threw moldy vegetables and poo at her with some Handmaid's Tale Aunt ringing a goddamn bell every 5 seconds, and STILL was like, "Don't worry baby, I got your fucking number. Trust." You can fight me on this but Cersei was the villain we all needed and she deserved some respect! Leo, the Lannisters send their regards. 

Virgo 

Yes, I will continue to rant about Game of Thrones and how it ruined my trip to Nova Scotia so get used to it. Life lesson: sometimes the things you want to happen don't happen. 

Libra 

Okay this is a serious one and it fucking scares the daylight out of me. In the last 30 years, we have lost over 50% of the coral reefs on earth. The coral is turning white and dying because the average temperature of the oceans have risen by 2 degrees or more. Think of that like our bodies and how if our average temperature rises by a few degrees or more we're on a pretty quick trip to the ER. But most of us don't go in the ocean, so we don't see this shit going down. I don't know what to do except try to convince people to care by luring them into the water with me and showing them what's under the surface and how it's the most beautiful thing they could ever see. It makes me want to stay alive, feel alive, and we can't survive without it. Our oceans are absorbing the consequences of our negligence and are dying. What are you going to do? 

 

Scorpio 

You guys need to chill the fuck out. 

Sagittarius 

Listen, if you come home late one night (i.e., 10:45pm) and you’re drunk and have a headache and you KNOW putting some cedar oil in your diffuser will make you feel better, then skip the internal battle and just fucking do it. I know, that tiny bottle of cedar oil is like $50. You only need to use 6 drops! And no, this is not a good time to decide to change your sheets because they have become crumpled. Go to fucking bed. Yes, your legs feel very smooth because you used that $12 body bar in the bath you took earlier. Did you take your medication? Good, now go the fuck to sleep. 

Capricorn 

We're all capable of being monsters. Every last one of us. But please don't. "To heal is to touch with love that which was previously touched by fear," wrote author Stephen Levine. Consider that for a moment. Consider that every day that you wake up for the rest of your life because that is what is going to be necessary to be a good, kind person in this world. Where does the buck of fear stop? It can stop with you.

Aquarius 

Keep going. There is nothing you can do to change the past. It's gone. You can't disappear with it or try to will yourself back into it as if things had gone differently. They didn't. They won't. Close that door, it doesn't go anywhere anymore. I know you know that logically but now you have to embody it emotionally. You have to keep going. In the words of queer icon Freddie Mercury, "Spread your little wings and fly away, far away." 

Pisces 

There is a difference between living and surviving. Remember that surviving is the bare minimum and you are eventually going to need to rest because you can't sustain yourself in that mode indefinitely. You need to find the things that make breathing in and out worth it. It WILL get better. If you're reading this, YOU SURVIVED. The hardest part is over. Now go live.

Emotiscopes- A Declaration!

Horoscopes For Those Trying To Feel Human Emotions 

 

Aries

I talk a lot about feeling empowered in your body in these horoscopes/mental wellness updates/extracurricular rantings. I do this because it's all stuff I struggle to embody myself. It feels like a specific amount of energy needs to be directed towards feeling enough confidence in our physical form to actually leave our houses on the regular, lest we regress into a heap of self-doubt, despair, and begin watching Rock Of Love With Bret Michaels in a week-long depressive cycle (more on that later). In keeping with this, at 36, I got my very first tattoo. It's a pretty simple line drawing of a feminine presenting figure with the words "NOT FOR YOU" written below it on my upper right thigh. I am completely overjoyed with it. If I were to be struck by a comically large falling anvil in this very moment, it is what I would want on my grave stone; it is the image and three words that most perfectly encapsulate how I feel as a person in this time and space. Those three little words for me felt like LIBERATION. They were a door to an entirely new feeling of confidence and self-assuredness. Did I mention that every time I look at my thighs now I am beaming? I am practically manifesting rainbows and hearts and doves out of my eyes, possibly even world peace set to the music of Sigur Ros. By boldly declaring that me and my body are not for you, but for me, I inherited a new found certainty in who I am.

This is a very long-winded and self-absorbed way of me asking what are the three (or four or five or twenty-seven) words you need tattooed  (metaphorically, or not?) on your thigh to grant you the confidence to trust yourself, to feel head-over-heels in love with yourself, and wear that out into the world without apology?  

I had considered this tattoo for a long time, years even, but for the longest time the words were "Desire me, don't take from me", until I realized that sounded too much like a plea. I needed a declaration. Who you are and how you present is to be curated by no one but you. It's not meant for anyone's comfort but your own. If it's not to everyone's taste/liking/convenience/satisfaction? GOOD. That's the point. It's NOT FOR THEM.

Taurus

My Taurus peeps, have you been having unbridled anxiety dreams that leave your left eye constantly twitching lately? A quick tour of mayoclinic.org (because we are refined creatures of civilization and not some kind of primordial monsters using WebMD!!) advised me that this is likely from stress, booze, stress, coffee, or stress. What's eating you, Gilbert Grape?? No really, let's get very granular about this. We're writing down a list of all the possible stressors and what ones you have any kind of control over. Why? Because our anxious little brains love to solve things. We love to pull things apart and analyze each and every millimeter into oblivion so that we have something to occupy our thoughts. Because our thoughts are lonely. They want company! They've been living through a pandemic for over 6 months now and they just want to hang out at the local sauna and listen to offensively offside remarks by entitled old racist/sexist men to fuel their daily outrage!! Okay that last one is maybe not relevant but you see where I'm going with this. Let's gain some awareness into what is forcing our bodies( and minds) into unwanted involuntary movement. What could we give our little brains to chew on that might be more soothing/healing/restful? 

Gemini

Pay attention to the person packing your parachute. Because if you fuck them over, they may no longer be that invested in how softly you land.

Cancer

I knew I must have been in a depressive cycle earlier this year when I went on a Rock Of Love With Bret Michaels binge. I have no idea how in the year of our lord 2020 I saw this show for the first time, because this is exactly the type of show I would have loved in the early 2000s. I mean, I watched both seasons of A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila, so it's not as if my tastes were above Rock Of Love. But I have to be honest, something about this show made me really sad. It was as if I was suddenly very aware of the person I was 13 years ago, and how much has changed, but also what hasn't. Please do not think I'm saying that my taste in television has matured because I still eagerly watch trash TV like 90 Day Fiance, but what I am saying is that I connected to the feeling of a 13 years younger me that needed something easy to unload my brain on to and disconnect because everything about myself and the world felt like too, too much. Because most of the time I felt like I was trapped in a room with the walls and the floor and the ceiling slowly moving in until I'd eventually be crushed, and there was no way out and no one was coming to help me. If I'm being honest, even though so much time has passed and so much has changed, I knew watching Rock Of Love that I felt that same way again. I was trapped and I didn't know how to get out. Except I did! Because I've learned how. I made myself physically get up, go outside, and ride my bike fast. When I got home I considered putting Rock Of Love back on, but I realized I didn't need it. I still make bad TV choices, just not that one anymore. 

This is also a thinly-veiled metaphor for my romantic partner choices. 

Leo

It’s rainy season motherfuckers, so invest in some good pairs of socks and keep those feet dry! Your feet are literally the foundation that you stand on, take care of them. 

Virgo

Eat whatever the hell you want. Do you think when you're old as fuck and all the collagen is gone from your skin and you've got cataracts and arthritis and gout you're going to think, "Thank god I didn't go overboard with the donuts"?? Well okay maybe you will I'm not a doctor do not take medical or dietary advice from me but really I think when you're 90 it's not going to matter that much. I don't know, our planet can only sustain us for another decade or so anyway and then the White Walkers are gonna get us for real (and give us the real ending we all deserved!!!) so enjoy yourself. 

 

Libra

Okay but really I know it's been over a year and that fucking ending was TERRIBLE. Bran? BRAN?? Bran, WHO WAS IN A COMA FOR AN ENTIRE SEASON??? I'm sorry, but you brought Jon Snow BACK FROM THE DEAD only to have him NOT become king? Jesus, even one of the ships from the Iron Fleet would have been a better choice. Literally ANYONE BUT BRAN.

Scorpio

You guys need to chill the fuck out. 

 

Sagittarius

I have been told before that I am competitive in a "not normal" type of way, and I took this as a compliment. I get it, I can be INTENSE, but what's the point in trying to hide that? It's going to come out within the first five minutes of a bike ride when we're laughing and having a good time but maybe you casually inch past me and suddenly I can feel a thousand wild mustangs trying to break free from my mortal body breaking the barriers of time and speed and space to touch but for a moment the feeling of true power!! This is to say that I'm not very good at doing most things in moderation which can sometimes be helpful but can also sometimes be a hindrance, so I have to be mindful of how I direct that energy. We're all "not normal" in different ways, we all have our own particular intensities and wild mustangs and that's okay. Stop trying to change who you really are. Figure out what type of horsey you've got trotting around inside you and what she needs to flourish. Find a herd that NEEDS a hyper-competitive filly to make things interesting, but maybe also has the even-temperament of a quarter horse and the bulletproof disposition of a Percheron. What I am saying my dears, is go find your herd of horses.

 

Capricorn

Anything is possible when you lie.

 

Aquarius

Water signs we need to clear this up once and for all: THERE IS NO BACKSTROKING IN THE FAST LANE! I cannot stress this point loudly and often enough. Community pools are starting to re-open, and I think there needs to be some public education on the designation of the lanes meant for lap swimming. There is a slow lane. There is a moderate lane. And then there is a FAST lane, which, as its name indicates, is for people who can swim fast. I don't know who needs to hear this (okay well actually I do, but I'm pretending to be polite) but unless you are currently representing a country in competitive swimming YOUR BACKSTROKE IS NOT FAST ENOUGH. Also, the backstroke is for when you are lost at sea and dying and is your last ditch effort at sending a prayer into the heavens before you expire. Are you tired? SO AM I. The breaststroke is a perfectly acceptable recovery stroke. And also, there are TWO WHOLE OTHER LANE OPTIONS for when you want to channel the feeling of sipping on a bellini in the leisure pool at a Mexican all-inclusive. THIS IS NOT A VACATION! This is lap time, and though I'm reluctant to tell anyone what lane they need to stay in, I am 100% comfortable telling you that the fast lane is NOT FOR YOU. 

Pisces

I said what I said.

Emotiscopes: Vulnerability

 Emotiscopes- Show Some Fucking Vulnerability!!! Edition

 

Horoscopes For Those Trying To Feel Human Emotions 

 

 

 

Aries

Sometimes my chest feels so full that it might overflow, and I feel so incredibly humbled by the expanse of the human spirit and all the small acts of love that string our lives together and hold us together when everything else appears to fall apart. This is an invitation to stand with me in this moment and take my hand and we’ll cry for as long as it takes. Let’s cry for joy, let’s cry for heartache, let’s cry for all the things we’ve lost and didn’t turn out the way we wanted. And then we’ll cry for all the things too beautiful to even put into words that we can recognize in each other’s eyes. I see you.

Taurus

Get your tissues at the ready because this edition of horoscopes is about vulnerability and me watching Eco Challenge 2020 with Bear fucking Grylls. If you have no idea what I’m talking about I demand you google it immediately, and then proceed to watch all 10 episodes. The last time this show aired was 18 years ago, which as someone in their 30s feels like an unfathomable amount of time. Anyway I pretty much cried through every episode of this latest edition because I was so moved by the heart showed by each of the teams and their unwavering grit at attempting a 700km long endurance race. These people were tremendous, and probably examples of what the human spirit is capable of overcoming when we commit ourselves to something as a group and truly support each other through tropical storms and navigation errors and heat stroke and trying to beat that superhuman New Zealand team. Isn’t life just a giant endurance race, after all?

Gemini

Get on your bike and yell at people to go read a book by a woman. Is this street harassment, or activism? I don’t know. I’ll leave it up to you Gemini’s and your dual nature to decide.

Cancer

If you are hurting right now, instead of trying to distract yourself, I might recommend diving full into the depth of that pain. It will no doubt hurt, as all things worth doing usually are, but once you’ve immerse yourself in the deep end of the pool and you’ve sat at the bottom for a while, you’ll find that you eventually need to come up for air. Go find the movie Arrival, because that is what coming up for air will feel like.

Arrival is about aliens that suddenly appear on earth in random places. Amy Adams plays Louise, a linguist, who is brought in to translate the alien’s language. It’s not so much an alien movie but instead a movie about the circular nature of life and death, beginnings and endings, and how we perceive our lives through the dimension of time. It’s a beautiful metaphor for how to feel our heartbreak while still keeping our hearts open. It’s a movie about grief, and how it can give us the superpower to profoundly connect with those around us, if we let it.

Remember that when someone closes a door, it will hurt to know that something we cared about has come to an end, but it also opens up space to deepen our emotional intimacy with others. Sometimes that kind of closure is necessary for other relationships to grow, though we often can’t see it at the time. Let the door close, wish them well, but don’t let your heart close with it. Doors can be both an arrival and a departure, depending on your perspective.

So go watch this movie as many times as needed. Personally, I tend to watch it after any major breakups, but then also around every New Year to remind myself that beginnings and endings aren't always as finite as we believe. However, if this is terrible advice and you hate this movie, then please proceed to spend the next 8-12 hours watching Garderner's World because Monty Don and an entire show literally dedicated to watching flowers grow is the perfect balm for any and all kinds of pain.

Leo

You can fight me on this but this unspoken rule of needing to wear a bra anytime you are out in public is horseshit and just another example of the vast reach of the patriarchy’s wormy hands on women’s bodies. FREE UR BOOBIES (if you want to).

Virgo

Years ago, I was on a leisurely excursion with one of the most wonderful people that I’ve ever had the privilege to know (this is you, Jill McQueen). We used to drive out to Sidney and wander in and out of all the little shops on Beacon Ave for the better part of an afternoon, and chit chat and look around. I can only imagine that the joy and ease and comfort and acceptance that I felt in Jill’s company is what a lot of people might have found growing up in their families. And she probably doesn’t remember this, because it was such a small, inconsequential moment, but we found ourselves in a pretty card shop and Jill called me over to see something. I don’t remember if it was a card or decorative napkins, but it was a silly cartoon of a mouse (and maybe a cat?), and she excitedly showed it to me and read the sentence noted at the bottom, “What I like most about you is your vulnerability.”

Did that even make sense? It doesn’t matter. Find a Jill McQueen and let her into your heart and never let her go because she will always see you for who you really are and love you for it.

 

Libra

What story would you have to let go of if you looked at your body and decided it was worthy just as it is in that very moment? Your body has gotten you this far in life, so it's obviously doing a pretty good job. Have you gained weight? Enjoy it. Have you lost weight? Enjoy it. Has the shape of your stomach/legs/butt/shoulders/back/etc. changed? Enjoy it. What I am trying to say is, ENJOY YOUR BODY. Our bodies change; this shouldn't have to be something we shame ourselves into oblivion for, nor the thing from which our self-worth perilously hangs from. Most days I don't entirely know how not to do this, but I figured if I write it down enough times I might be able to get myself to actually take my own advice. Embody your body, whatever shape it takes. The people worth knowing are the ones who only care that you and your body showed up.

 

Scorpio

You guys need to chill the fuck out (and connect to your vulnerability!) 

 

Sagittarius

You are feeling ambivalent and lost. I’m not advocating for you to become a shut-in, because noted good-looking-person Leonardo DiCaprio already showed us in The Aviator just how ugly that can become. But I’m also not not advocating for you to become a shut-in, if only temporarily, so that you can safely allow yourself some time to feel ambivalent and lost within the confines of your own home (BECAUSE ALSO WE ARE STILL IN THE THROES OF A PANDEMIC). Sometimes flinging ourselves from one event to another, no matter how pleasurable those events may or may not be, can serve as a way of hedging us against our own thoughts and feelings. Narratives can be healing, and for this reason I encourage you to connect to a narrative that resonates in your heart. If I was giving very great advice, I’d suggest you go and read Dear Sugar: Tiny, Beautiful Things, or A Chronology of Water, or anything by Roxane Gay, but I’m limited to giving mostly adequate advice in the form of questionable horoscopes, so I’m going to tell you to get cozy on the couch / your bed / the bathtub, and fire up your streaming service  of choice(but please do not actually start a fire if you are mixing water and electrical outlets). To open your heart go watch season 6, episode 3 of Chef's Plate, and specifically listen to the cadence and timbre in Asma Khan’s voice when she says, "Use your life to make a difference." 

Let her tell you the story of how she was once so lost in her own life that she no longer felt any purpose and was falling apart at the seams; how her unraveling led her to find how she could nourish herself back into being, and how she could do it for others.

Pay attention to her story, because her story is yours and also mine and also each and every one of us. What’s beautiful is that though you may feel ambivalent and lost, you are also reaching for something to lift you up. Reaching is what will propel you forward. Reach inside yourself and ask what your spirit needs to feel nourished. Ask yourself why you feel ambivalent and lost. To answer the why you must be willing to confront yourself without completely abandoning yourself to a passive TV binge, or food binge, or sleep binge. You can do something actively while also remaining very still. Actively listen to Asma’s narrative, and see how that makes you feel. If that doesn’t lift you, then please go back to my very great advice.

 

Capricorn

If you saw me today and told me every inch of the truth, and pulled your heart out for me to see, every sloppy stitch showing, every part you thought too shameful or ugly or unlovable, and you looked me in the eyes and let me see the real truth, I would forgive you. If you reached out an open palm, I would reach back. Because I loved you. Because I loved you as wholly and completely as I could. How could I not, after so long, after all we’d seen together? Of course I loved you. I don’t want to hide how much this hurts because that would be a betrayal to just how much you meant to me. I’m probably making it sound like you died because I’m somewhat incapable of expressing things without slamming down my feeling buttons in ALL CAPS, but in truth it felt like I had to let die the part of you that had moved into my heart. Sometimes there are things inside us that need to die in order to move forward. We owe it to ourselves to recognize that having to do that is hard, and painful, and conflicted, and full of doubt, and likely something we won’t take very well and could take a long time to do. Now please let me forget everything about you so it doesn't hurt so much anymore. Please disappear from my memory forever. I loved you once, but not anymore.

 

Aquarius

Sometimes I feel so lonely I think my body might collapse in on itself; like there’s nothing there to hold it together. I feel like a never ending pit, like a black hole pulling everything in my orbit into an abyss. Sometimes I don’t know how to make it to the next breath, and yet somehow I do. Somehow we endure. We can endure just about anything. We can endure this. I’m with you.

 

Pisces

If someone is faced with losing some of the most important relationships in their life, and they choose to do nothing, you have to understand just how much they hate themselves to not try and make it better. Trust me, I get how much it hurts to have someone admit to being a dead-end person but also admit that they will do nothing about it. Trust that this will likely never change. Trust that this is not your fault. Trust that there are people out there with whom you can be truly vulnerable with, and they will not take advantage of it. They will recognize you. They will see you.

Emotiscopes: Pandemic

Emotiscopes- Pandemic Edition

Horoscopes For Those Trying To Feel Human Emotions 

Aries

Ladieeeeees, if there was ever a time to turn to baking this is it, amirite??? Because us womyn have nothing else we could possibly turn to in a climate of crisis and trauma in order to soothe ourselves and the people around us we are indentured to feed both physically and energetically and emotionally as dictated by heteronormative stereotypes. Listen, baking is great, I’m just being salty because I recently bought a menstrual cup and had an entire day of outrage over the languaging of the sizing of the cups (TLDR: Anyone over 30 buying said cup is instructed to buy the largest size because apparently our vaginas turn into cavernous crevasses at this point). What made it worse is that a day later my friend sent me a real ad that was posted to social media for this particular kind of menstrual cup that said verbatim, “Mastered baking? Try your hand at using the world’s #1 menstrual cup.” BARF. They could have picked literally anything other than baking, or something not so traditionally gendered. But Natalie, isn’t this supposed to be a horoscope and not a platform for your extracurricular rantings? IT CAN BE BOTH. And yes, this month is about SELF WORTH and I’m talking to you about how a bunch of idiots writing copy for DivaCup can covertly attempt to rob you of your personal power in realizing that you can take care of yourself and buy yourself a fucking menstrual cup so you feel less bad about the amount of garbage you produce, only to find yourself in a cloud of doubt and very unexpected body shame when the packaging tells you the only choice your over 30 vagina has is the largest size possible. I am here to tell you that you know yourself and your body better than anyone, so if you think the size XXXL or whatever the fuck it is, is overkill, then you are probably right! Trust your instincts. Listen to yourself, and pay attention when it seems like someone is trying to remind you of your insecurities, whether it’s intentional or not, because the result is that you doubt your own thoughts, feelings and experiences. Languaging matters, DivaCup, DO BETTER.

Taurus

Recently I found out that someone I both loved and respected had lied to me in that way where you realize that at no point had they respected you. It hurt. A lot. But it didn’t shatter me. Perhaps coincidentally I’ve spent the last couple months doing a boatload of therapy surrounding my self doubt and being able to trust my experiences, memories, and feelings, so it felt as though I had a life raft ready to scoop me up. Probably as kudos to my therapist, and contrary to how I’ve felt for the majority of my years on earth, I did not experience this situation as my fault, or because I was not enough/ too much. I experienced this as someone who thought my worth was disposable when compared with what their ego could gain, and that had nothing to do with me. There was absolute freedom and validation in that. My boundaries were no longer a problem to be solved because I knew I could hold firm in them, unquestionably. There are people who will take your insecurities and turn them into a narrative about how it makes you wrong or invalid. I’m here to tell you to tell them to shut the fuck up. The only people who get to tell you narratives are the people interested in showing up, lifting you up, and supporting you in the name of your wellbeing. Anyone who doesn’t consider your wellbeing as equal to their own doesn’t get a spot on the fucking raft. Let them swim.

Gemini

Clean your bathroom walls and ceiling. Put in the work that people might not usually notice. This is a metaphor for taking care of the more interior and hidden things that might not be as flashy as a couch or a new statement lamp, but are essential to your health and wellbeing. You don’t want to accidentally infect the people you love with the mold growing inside you that you have continued to neglect.

Cancer

This is a reminder to go read something by a black woman.

Leo

The pandemic has been an ongoing exercise in anxiety and looming dread, and even writing this sentence feels like something out of a dystopian YA novel. We are living through a pandemic, could any of us have imagined that becoming a word we use in our day to day language? No. This is a nightmare. And yet it’s also forced many of us to become very creative in recognizing our needs, our boundaries, our nap schedules, and our grocery budgets. I used to swim laps at the nearby pool most days of the week, so I eventually transitioned that to swimming in the ocean. However, I am TERRIFIED of the ocean, despite loving it, and I had to learn how to navigate being almost in constant fear while also propelling myself forward. I am STILL convinced that I am essentially a vending machine for sharks who will sneak out at any moment, but each time a little less so. These are frightening times, but it is still possible to move forward. You can do the hard thing.

Virgo

These horoscopes are essentially just me telling stories about myself, so let’s look at the stories you tell yourself. Are they true? Are they things that keep or allow you to show your vulnerability? As the great prophet, Pharrell, once said, “Where are you holding back? You’re afraid to engage, but you’re chasing your opportunity away. Has that ever worked out for you? You’ve been afraid, and it’s not resulted in any kind of positivity, so why bring it to this moment right here? This is your moment, step into it. Let us see who you are.”

Amen, Pharrell, amen.

Libra

Please if you are my neighbour stop listening to shitty music at volume 23 during the day while I am trying to work from home. I’m privileged enough to still have a job AND be able to work from home, but I’m just really tired of hearing Sweet Child O’ Mine every time I lie down to take my 10am coffee nap.

Scorpio

You guys need to chill the fuck out. 

Sagittarius

Your worth is not tied to the size or symmetry of your body or the size of your pants or the amount of cellulite on your thighs or the smallness/bigness of your arms or the perkiness of your boobs or the amount of rolls on your back or your stomach or anywhere else. Repeat this to yourself every day. Men, you too.

Capricorn

This is a reminder to listen to black voices and what they are saying.

Aquarius

I resorted to cutting my own hair and bangs and felt like I did a pretty good job until my coworkers chirped me into oblivion about it. Keep in mind my coworkers are all very dude-dudes (and also the most wonderful and supportive people who also listen to me rant about the patriarchy on the daily), so it’s not entirely surprising that they aren’t familiar with experiencing the male gaze. They couldn’t understand why I might want to cut my hair in a slightly aggressive, slightly unconventionally attractive way. They couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to be appealing to the comfort of some men. However you decide to present yourself, make sure it’s for no one’s comfort but your own. It’s OKAY to scare the right people away. It’s OKAY to let certain people know you are not for them. This is about presenting yourself in whatever way pleases YOU. The people that matter will get it.

Pisces

Buy whatever fucking size menstrual cup you want.

Emotiscopes: July

 

Horoscopes For Those Trying To Feel Human Emotions 

Aries

Recently I visited a place I claimed to hate and made very loud overtures about never returning there, EVER, until one of the most special and cherished people in my life moved there and I had no choice but to eat my very loud words. And wouldn't you know it, seen through a different lens, I thought it was lovely. This is something that all photographers and cinematographers know all too well- that using the right lens can make or break your shot. Consider whatever you are considering through a different lens and notice how that changes how you feel about it. Notice how it can change the tone and texture and the composition of your thoughts. Consider that you may have been wrong.

Taurus

Get outside. Put your fucking phone down and go outside where there are trees or beaches or fields or deserts or just anywhere with an abundance of nature and stay there for at least an hour. Take it in. Don't take any pictures, just absorb it, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually if that speaks to you. Well okay take pictures but don't also check your texts or emails or facepoop or instablerg or any of that shit. This moment is about being present.

Gemini

If you are about to text someone something that might upset them, or really anything that's important, or of consequence, or emotionally charged in any way, just don't fucking do it. Don't. Fucking. Do. It. Please. Have that conversation to their face, in person, in flesh and blood. I originally wrote that first sentence as, "If you are about to text someone something that might upset me" so I guess that speaks to where this is coming from, but really, come on, we all know better. We can all do better. What do you imagine you risk by being kind?

Cancer

Watch a movie or read a book or something else that involves you sitting still and paying close attention to something, and for the duration of that time do not look at your phone. Turn it on silent and put it out of reach, because if it is in reach it will be too easy of a distraction. We've become far too accustomed to having our needs constantly (and ineffectually) catered to by our smartphones. Our little lizard brains don't know what to do with that kind of stimulation, and now none of us can actually spend more than 20 minutes before our inner reptiles need the dopamine hit of a text message, or a refresh on our feeds, or a google search for whatever inane thing pops into our head. Remember what it feels like to not be constantly tethered to a vending machine of anxiety and dissonance.

Leo

Speaking of lizards and our lizard brains, I re-watched Jurassic Park the other day. And I say lizard even though we all know by now that dinosaurs are much closer relatives to birds than any of our scaly friends, as Dr Grant emphatically pointed out to the stroppy little boy scoffing at the Velociraptor skeleton in the dig site scene. Man I love that movie. Don't get me started on the shot list! The way Spielberg created such a visual narrative and kept the pace on point with some of those shots is unparalleled. There's a reason a movie like that stands the test of time 20+ years later. But I digress! I was about 30 minutes into the movie and there had been a couple scenes where all the main characters are just kind of sitting around and something significant jumped out at me- none of them have cell phones. They just sat around, actively in each other's presence! Jesus, what a fucking luxury. Can you imagine that being filmed now and how every idle moment would have at least one person tippy-tapping away on their screen? These goddamn cell phones, they're just cancerous tumors growing out of our arms.

Virgo

The thing about trauma is that it's like our brains are saying, "Yeah, I didn't think anything crazy like that would happen, BUT THEN IT DID, and now I have to constantly be on the lookout so I can make sure that never happens to us EVER again." and your brain is lit up like a July 1st night sky and in Def-Con 4 mode at the slightest provocation and then can't switch off. People who have experienced trauma tend to catastrophize because they've lived through one or several actual CATASTROPHES. It's not irrational if that's what was once their reality. Sometimes those people need help remembering what their reality is now. Their weary minds and anxious bodies can't always tell the difference between what was then and what is now because some parts of them might have gotten lost in the struggle to survive. They might still be very afraid, and for good reason. Their metaphorical home was blown up right in front of their eyes and they didn't have time to grab everything when they ran for cover. When you recognize that struggle in the eyes of the people you love, give them the gift of your presence. Sit with them, hold them, and tell them it'll be okay. It will be okay.

Libra

Do not be the person who uses the mobile order service to get your coffee. You should not be able to order your coffee ahead of time on your phone. You are not that important and your life is not that busy. If you want coffee you have to show up in person and order it and then wait 5 fucking minutes. Also that whole service is the devil and disrupts the natural order of things so what used to be a 5 minute wait is now 15 because of all those fucking smug mobile orders jumping the queue and taking precedence. This is yet another reason why we should all drop kick our cell phones off of the nearest cliff. 

Scorpio

You guys need to chill the fuck out. 

 

Sagittarius

If you have recently decided to make lots of green smoothies and have wonderful images of how healthy and vibrant you will look, just remember what a pain in the ass it is to clean the blender afterwards, or worse, the carpet around and under the seat of your car after you spill a mason jar full of smoothie while on your way to work on a hot day. Do you know how to clean mango sludge out of upholstery?

Capricorn

Next time you are at Starbucks and you've been waiting for an eternity for your coffee because some selfish cad ordered their entire meal plan for the day and some stupidly complex coffee order by using the mobile app and that means they instantly get rewarded for their human interaction avoidant cowardice with front of the line service, take their mobile order and throw it into the trash. Show those mobile order motherfuckers where the front of the line gets you. Remember to use the right bins though, you're not a monster.

Aquarius

I'm not saying you should steal your coworker's food from the fridge, but people really shouldn't leave tasty stuff in there unless they are planning to eat it within a day or two. Is this a horoscope? Sure, this is a metaphor for recognizing the good things in your life when you have them and not letting them expire through neglect.

Pisces

Care too much. I know it's very de rigeur to be ambivalent and chill and repel any and all emotion, but anyone trying to pull that off is probably sad and full of shit and also probably cowardly. The whole point is connection. The whole point is to be generous with our time and our kindness and our praise and our affection and our understanding and our love. Go outside and connect. Leave your cell phone at home.