Letters To My Future Boyfriends

There's nothing you can do that would hurt me anymore.

The person I loved told me he was an alcoholic and needed to change, and that I was the first person to be so caring with him, so gentle, that I meant so much to him. But then he packed a box of condoms right in front of me for a trip to Bali; a trip where he got so drunk so often he was sick for several weeks afterwards. Oh, and he also fucked a bunch of girls, but maybe I should have seen that coming.

You can't hurt me with that, because my heart's already been dropped that way.

The person I loved told me he loved me, wanted a life with me, wanted all the things I wanted too and wanted them together, but then after 2 years I found out he had another girlfriend, pretty much a spouse, and that he had never even been single in the first place, and everything had been a lie. I was the other woman. I was one of several other women who shouldn't think we were anything special, because this wasn't the first time.

You can't hurt me with that, because my heart's already been shattered that way.

The person I loved told me he'd never let anyone hurt me like that again, but then he withheld his love, withheld the truth, withheld the respect of allowing me to take my clothes and my shoes and my toothbrush and my pillow and my love from his house because he didn't want to wait to start his forever with someone else, and didn't want to have an uncomfortable conversation.

You can't hurt me with that, because my heart's already been severed that way.

The person I loved told me he wasn't sure if he was attracted to me, and that he wasn't sure if he loved me. Maybe he did, but maybe he didn't. So he went to find out. After that he showed up at my work with flowers and asked me to fall asleep with him. But then while I was still at work he slept with his ex girlfriend behind my back and sent me a text message the next day saying he was following his heart with someone else. I only found out about him going behind my back because he was at the party we were supposed to go to together, having the time of his life, and I showed up to force him to have to say it to my face.

You can't hurt me with that, because my heart's already been detonated that way.

The person I loved, the one whom I supported, the one for whom I rented a car and took the ferry and drove 17 hours through the night so he could get to his grandmother's funeral and I became a part of his family, that person walked into work and then immediately walked out without a saying a word. He texted me to say he was done and he was dumping me. I got to explain to our boss where my partner had gone. He then deleted every picture of us and me and the dog from all of his social media, and then deleted me. I came home to find he had cleared out all of his belongings while I was still at work and left his key under the mat.

You can't hurt me with that, because my heart's already been destroyed that way.

The person I loved told me to call someone to come get me, to get someone to take me to the hospital because he was leaving, because I had just swallowed a handful of his pills in front of him, because I didn't know how else to escape, how to make it stop, and he didn't want to get caught in the mess. He didn't call an ambulance. He did hurt me. He did threaten me. He did try to leave me, alone, on my bathroom floor.

You can't hurt me with that, because my heart already been left to die.

... But it didn't. My heart didn't die. It kept beating, even when it was in pieces, even when it had sublimed into mist, even when life felt like a warm day from a long time ago that I'd never find my way back to. It kept beating, even when the pain threatened to crush it, even when it was splintered and bruised, even the air was running out. It endured. It didn't miss a beat. It persisted. And so did I.

You can't hurt me with any of that, because my heart is so strong. It'll give you more love than you could ever imagine, because it had to evolve into something bigger, something greater. This is the beauty of our suffering- it dares us to grow, it teaches us to reach. My heart was dismantled, but then sown back together with light. And now I can pass you the light to thread your ruptured heart too.