Letters To My Future Boyfriends

There's nothing you can do that would hurt me anymore.

The person I loved told me he was an alcoholic and needed to change, and that I was the first person to be so caring with him, so gentle, that I meant so much to him. But then he packed a box of condoms right in front of me for a trip to Bali; a trip where he got so drunk so often he was sick for several weeks afterwards. Oh, and he also fucked a bunch of girls, but maybe I should have seen that coming.

You can't hurt me with that, because my heart's already been dropped that way.

The person I loved told me he loved me, wanted a life with me, wanted all the things I wanted too and wanted them together, but then after 2 years I found out he had another girlfriend, pretty much a spouse, and that he had never even been single in the first place, and everything had been a lie. I was the other woman. I was one of several other women who shouldn't think we were anything special, because this wasn't the first time.

You can't hurt me with that, because my heart's already been shattered that way.

The person I loved told me he'd never let anyone hurt me like that again, but then he withheld his love, withheld the truth, withheld the respect of allowing me to take my clothes and my shoes and my toothbrush and my pillow and my love from his house because he didn't want to wait to start his forever with someone else, and didn't want to have an uncomfortable conversation.

You can't hurt me with that, because my heart's already been severed that way.

The person I loved told me he wasn't sure if he was attracted to me, and that he wasn't sure if he loved me. Maybe he did, but maybe he didn't. So he went to find out. After that he showed up at my work with flowers and asked me to fall asleep with him. But then while I was still at work he slept with his ex girlfriend behind my back and sent me a text message the next day saying he was following his heart with someone else. I only found out about him going behind my back because he was at the party we were supposed to go to together, having the time of his life, and I showed up to force him to have to say it to my face.

You can't hurt me with that, because my heart's already been detonated that way.

The person I loved, the one whom I supported, the one for whom I rented a car and took the ferry and drove 17 hours through the night so he could get to his grandmother's funeral and I became a part of his family, that person walked into work and then immediately walked out without a saying a word. He texted me to say he was done and he was dumping me. I got to explain to our boss where my partner had gone. He then deleted every picture of us and me and the dog from all of his social media, and then deleted me. I came home to find he had cleared out all of his belongings while I was still at work and left his key under the mat.

You can't hurt me with that, because my heart's already been destroyed that way.

The person I loved told me to call someone to come get me, to get someone to take me to the hospital because he was leaving, because I had just swallowed a handful of his pills in front of him, because I didn't know how else to escape, how to make it stop, and he didn't want to get caught in the mess. He didn't call an ambulance. He did hurt me. He did threaten me. He did try to leave me, alone, on my bathroom floor.

You can't hurt me with that, because my heart already been left to die.

... But it didn't. My heart didn't die. It kept beating, even when it was in pieces, even when it had sublimed into mist, even when life felt like a warm day from a long time ago that I'd never find my way back to. It kept beating, even when the pain threatened to crush it, even when it was splintered and bruised, even the air was running out. It endured. It didn't miss a beat. It persisted. And so did I.

You can't hurt me with any of that, because my heart is so strong. It'll give you more love than you could ever imagine, because it had to evolve into something bigger, something greater. This is the beauty of our suffering- it dares us to grow, it teaches us to reach. My heart was dismantled, but then sown back together with light. And now I can pass you the light to thread your ruptured heart too.

Letters To Angie: Beacons

Angie, my love!

So I started my day with an unexpected cry, but a happy one! I was watching Youtube videos and an ad came on before my video. I was about to skip past it, but then what it was saying caught my attention. It was a Dove ad called "Would you #choose beautiful?" It got me! I had a few little dragon tears! In the ad they set up two doors, one with the word "Beautiful" above it, the other with the word "Average", and women had to choose what door they would walk through. The part that really got me was a young girl said she wanted to walk through the Average door, but her mom pulled her away and took them both through the Beautiful door instead. 

Also, I wanted to forward you something I wrote about a week ago, because you are such a big part of what makes me feel this way! It was part of an email I wrote to so-and-so, after I had driven home from Jill's house and we had watched The Voice:

"Driving home from Jill's tonight there was a full moon, and it struck me as a beacon of hope. I look at where I am and I feel so whole-heartedly happy and grateful and lucky. Sometimes I think, how do I deserve this? I feel so much love that the only place it can move is outwards, like millions of molecular-sized fireflies reaching into the night sky to become their own stars, lighting their own beacons. 

To have felt so sad for so long, and to have found my way to the other side, it feels like new life. To look back 10 years, I think, now I understand why it was necessary. The breadth of experience was necessary to understand the depths of both light and dark, and how they cage us, hurt us, scare us, but also free us. And there's still so much to learn, to see, to experience, to love. But I feel like now, I've learned to trust; to put my energy in faith rather than fear, and that letting go doesn't mean you fall, it means you fly."

It's slightly out of context from a larger paragraph, so I hope it makes sense, but I really wanted to share that part with you, because you are such a big part of the love I feel.

Your Pal,
Natalie

You Don't Need To Stay

Girl, if you are crying more than one day a month because of something in your relationship, you don't need to stay.

Honey, if you have so many ulcers it hurts to eat and talk because of the stress of your relationship, you don't need to stay.

Babes, if you feel crazy even though you know yourself to be a reasonable and understanding person, you don't need to stay.

Darling, if you find yourself skipping out of the things you love because you are too emotionally strained and mentally exhausted, you don't need to stay.

Dearest, if you find yourself doing things you probably wouldn't because you want him to want you, you don't need to stay.

Beautiful, if he withholds his love but is still comfortable taking yours, you don't need to stay.

Sweet Pea, if you wake up one day and realize you've made yourself smaller and smaller and smaller because his needs will always be bigger and bigger, you don't need to stay.

My Love, forgive yourself for not going, forgive yourself for not letting go. The miraculous beauty of reaching for light even when we've planted ourselves deep in the muck is what makes us human. It's our grace. You can transplant yourself and still be okay. You don't need to stay.

How To Move Forward:

1) Throw out now-dead Valentine's flowers (and feelings)

2) Throw caution to the wind, embrace your inner hippie, and buy a shit load of crystals 

3) Plant new life in the hollow containers of said now-dead flowers (and feelings)

4) Rejoice! Your friends will marvel at your new pseudo-spiritual zen garden, your questionable and sudden urge to only wear flowy caftans, and will probably think you've read all the yoga/philosophy books on your shelf (You have not.)

5) Don't get all smug about it. You planted some plants, not saved humanity.