Emotiscopes: July

 

Horoscopes For Those Trying To Feel Human Emotions 

Aries

Recently I visited a place I claimed to hate and made very loud overtures about never returning there, EVER, until one of the most special and cherished people in my life moved there and I had no choice but to eat my very loud words. And wouldn't you know it, seen through a different lens, I thought it was lovely. This is something that all photographers and cinematographers know all too well- that using the right lens can make or break your shot. Consider whatever you are considering through a different lens and notice how that changes how you feel about it. Notice how it can change the tone and texture and the composition of your thoughts. Consider that you may have been wrong.

Taurus

Get outside. Put your fucking phone down and go outside where there are trees or beaches or fields or deserts or just anywhere with an abundance of nature and stay there for at least an hour. Take it in. Don't take any pictures, just absorb it, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually if that speaks to you. Well okay take pictures but don't also check your texts or emails or facepoop or instablerg or any of that shit. This moment is about being present.

Gemini

If you are about to text someone something that might upset them, or really anything that's important, or of consequence, or emotionally charged in any way, just don't fucking do it. Don't. Fucking. Do. It. Please. Have that conversation to their face, in person, in flesh and blood. I originally wrote that first sentence as, "If you are about to text someone something that might upset me" so I guess that speaks to where this is coming from, but really, come on, we all know better. We can all do better. What do you imagine you risk by being kind?

Cancer

Watch a movie or read a book or something else that involves you sitting still and paying close attention to something, and for the duration of that time do not look at your phone. Turn it on silent and put it out of reach, because if it is in reach it will be too easy of a distraction. We've become far too accustomed to having our needs constantly (and ineffectually) catered to by our smartphones. Our little lizard brains don't know what to do with that kind of stimulation, and now none of us can actually spend more than 20 minutes before our inner reptiles need the dopamine hit of a text message, or a refresh on our feeds, or a google search for whatever inane thing pops into our head. Remember what it feels like to not be constantly tethered to a vending machine of anxiety and dissonance.

Leo

Speaking of lizards and our lizard brains, I re-watched Jurassic Park the other day. And I say lizard even though we all know by now that dinosaurs are much closer relatives to birds than any of our scaly friends, as Dr Grant emphatically pointed out to the stroppy little boy scoffing at the Velociraptor skeleton in the dig site scene. Man I love that movie. Don't get me started on the shot list! The way Spielberg created such a visual narrative and kept the pace on point with some of those shots is unparalleled. There's a reason a movie like that stands the test of time 20+ years later. But I digress! I was about 30 minutes into the movie and there had been a couple scenes where all the main characters are just kind of sitting around and something significant jumped out at me- none of them have cell phones. They just sat around, actively in each other's presence! Jesus, what a fucking luxury. Can you imagine that being filmed now and how every idle moment would have at least one person tippy-tapping away on their screen? These goddamn cell phones, they're just cancerous tumors growing out of our arms.

Virgo

The thing about trauma is that it's like our brains are saying, "Yeah, I didn't think anything crazy like that would happen, BUT THEN IT DID, and now I have to constantly be on the lookout so I can make sure that never happens to us EVER again." and your brain is lit up like a July 1st night sky and in Def-Con 4 mode at the slightest provocation and then can't switch off. People who have experienced trauma tend to catastrophize because they've lived through one or several actual CATASTROPHES. It's not irrational if that's what was once their reality. Sometimes those people need help remembering what their reality is now. Their weary minds and anxious bodies can't always tell the difference between what was then and what is now because some parts of them might have gotten lost in the struggle to survive. They might still be very afraid, and for good reason. Their metaphorical home was blown up right in front of their eyes and they didn't have time to grab everything when they ran for cover. When you recognize that struggle in the eyes of the people you love, give them the gift of your presence. Sit with them, hold them, and tell them it'll be okay. It will be okay.

Libra

Do not be the person who uses the mobile order service to get your coffee. You should not be able to order your coffee ahead of time on your phone. You are not that important and your life is not that busy. If you want coffee you have to show up in person and order it and then wait 5 fucking minutes. Also that whole service is the devil and disrupts the natural order of things so what used to be a 5 minute wait is now 15 because of all those fucking smug mobile orders jumping the queue and taking precedence. This is yet another reason why we should all drop kick our cell phones off of the nearest cliff. 

Scorpio

You guys need to chill the fuck out. 

 

Sagittarius

If you have recently decided to make lots of green smoothies and have wonderful images of how healthy and vibrant you will look, just remember what a pain in the ass it is to clean the blender afterwards, or worse, the carpet around and under the seat of your car after you spill a mason jar full of smoothie while on your way to work on a hot day. Do you know how to clean mango sludge out of upholstery?

Capricorn

Next time you are at Starbucks and you've been waiting for an eternity for your coffee because some selfish cad ordered their entire meal plan for the day and some stupidly complex coffee order by using the mobile app and that means they instantly get rewarded for their human interaction avoidant cowardice with front of the line service, take their mobile order and throw it into the trash. Show those mobile order motherfuckers where the front of the line gets you. Remember to use the right bins though, you're not a monster.

Aquarius

I'm not saying you should steal your coworker's food from the fridge, but people really shouldn't leave tasty stuff in there unless they are planning to eat it within a day or two. Is this a horoscope? Sure, this is a metaphor for recognizing the good things in your life when you have them and not letting them expire through neglect.

Pisces

Care too much. I know it's very de rigeur to be ambivalent and chill and repel any and all emotion, but anyone trying to pull that off is probably sad and full of shit and also probably cowardly. The whole point is connection. The whole point is to be generous with our time and our kindness and our praise and our affection and our understanding and our love. Go outside and connect. Leave your cell phone at home.