Boyfriend in a Box: Cold Hard Truth Edition

Alexander Skarsgard. Not a BF in a Box.
Just a ridiculously good looking man, in a
ridiculous good looking suit. Just because.

When I was maybe 13 or 14, there was this cheap jewelry store in our mall that catered to teenage girls. You probably had something similar. It was where you'd go to buy one of those BFF 4EVAH necklaces for you and your girl friend, or a pretty (as pretty as $8 will get you) necklace to wear to the coed but also supervised party someone's parents was letting them throw, or just your go-to store for when you and your friends would walk over to the mall in the summer time. One time, my friend and I came across something called "Boyfriend in a Box". It came with everything you'd expect a 14 year old to have if she had some cool, older boyfriend, and lived in a movie where teenagers gave each other glossy head shots of one another, a list of their extracurricular activities and interests, and cheesy love notes no actual human would ever write. I take that back, Stephenie Meyer probably would.

Anyway. A while back, a friend and I were joking about what the adult version would look like. We made up a few imaginary ones like "Hunky Humanitarian Hernando" and "Business Executive Bill" and "Doesn't Want His Identity To Be Judged By The Job He Hates Dennis". We laughed at the things we imagined you would find in the box set. Things like a long sleeve button-down to casually leave lying on your sofa, a toothbrush in a man color, a pricier but not too pricey men's watch to leave on your nightstand, a Greenpeace donation form, an issue of The Economist, and a pair of boxer-briefs to put in your laundry. 

It was the start of something big, and yet it felt not quite specific enough. Sure, Hernando sounds great and everything, but let's keep this legit. Boyfriend In A Box just got a slap in the face with the truth. Ladies, buckle up. This shit is about to get real. 

. The Older Man- Is super complimentary, almost to the point of suspicion, but who doesn't love being told they're gorgeous? Yeah, you're totally not complaining. It does seem like he asks a lot about you, but never reveals too much about himself. But maybe he's just really interested in getting to know you? And your insecurities.

He pretty much never answers his phone at night and on weekends. Instead, he will text you or email, and always seems to have some reason that sort of makes sense as to why he can't pick up his phone.

He rarely sleeps over, and convinces you that expecting your boyfriend to stay over on a semi-regular basis is a weird, distorted and outlandish request in a relationship.

You will begin to get a horrible, sanity-flaying feeling that something is not right, but you won't know what it is.

Turns out, you aren't crazy; the Older Man had just been lying. About pretty much everything. From the fact that he had never actually been single; to why even after a year he never introduced you to his friends, family, and only ever came to your house; to the amount of time he spent in the hospital when he told you he was recovering from a serious condition; and right up to when he said you were going to move to a new city together, find a house, and you almost completely uprooted your own business and life to step even deeper into his grave of lies.

The box set comes with: Diminished sense of self-worth; emails that reveal more lies that you found when a frantic feeling of suspicion sent you to snooping; an anniversary card from his wife; a paranoia that all subsequent men will be hiding something awful; invoices from lengthy therapy sessions; a few beautiful pieces of jewelry; a cross-country move; confirmation that you should always trust your gut instincts.

. The Strong Starting Juicebox- Seems pretty good at first. He does some genuinely kind and caring things like picking up you and your girlfriend from the bar at 2am when you've gone out and gotten sloppy drunk, and then puts you to bed and walks your dogs. He takes you on a few day-long driving trips (something that makes you so, so happy), and you have what is maybe the tastiest, salty-little-piece-of-heaven giant pretzel ever. A few days later he surprises you with his own homemade pretzels. It is these things that lead you to ignore some of the red flags that pop up along the way. Like the way he will sometimes toss out unexpectedly barbed comments that are meant to remind you that although he likes you, he doesn't like you too, too much; or the occasional offhand comment criticizing your personal style, wardrobe, or hair. It is when you begin to get into arguments that you realize he doesn't understand how to keep the fights clean, and it quickly devolves into what feels like a toxic whirlpool that makes you feel a panicky sadness, uncharacteristically unconfident in yourself, and as though you just should have never said anything in the first place so as not to have made him upset. When you try to talk it about it, you are met with accusations that you are crazy, twist everything around, and that your bullshit cost you a friend and a boyfriend.

The box set comes with: A bouquet of flowers to immediately throw in the trash; a pair of lightly used big boy pants; a cell phone number you will delete; a regained realization and unwavering need to hold yourself to higher standards; and also, further proof that drinking and texting are never a good idea. No good things ever come from this. Only things that are unnecessary and you later regret, and yet you always seem to forget this.

And that’s why you always leave a note.

Bonus item: A note to your future self, “Hey, you with the hair. Stop acting like an idiot and/or like a 19 year old. And wash your goddamn dishes already.”

. The One You Loved, But Could Not Marry- He will always be one of the nicest, kindest people you've ever met. You are together for a long time, and a lot of that time is some of the happiest you've known, but it still isn't enough. He treats you like absolute gold, and you know that you sometimes take advantage of this. You are not proud of this. You love him, and you know that he would do just about anything for you, and it's sort of disheartening that this brings out a quiet unrest in you. You find yourself sometimes committing selfish acts of sabotage, yet he never walks out. He never calls you crazy, even when you do something that might legitimately warrant that description. He never fights back, and is somehow always able to diffuse you when you've got your gloves on. He is a gem among men, and you have a good, happy, and laughter-filled relationship, and yet there is something in you that is not fulfilled.

You feel a cold sadness when one day you realize that fundamentally, you are not the same. You realize the things that in the long run are truly important to him, are not to you. You know that the hardest but kindest thing that you can do, is to leave. You know that you tried to be cold and tried to not do the awful friends thing so that he would be able to move on. You know that you hurt him deeply, and for that you are sorry.

The box set comes with: Two weeks worth of food he prepared for you on the day you moved out because he knows you hate to cook, and he didn't want you to go hungry; a puppy you got together; three years of wonderful memories; an apartment amount of furniture that he helps you take to your new one; a retrospective understanding of what a healthy, loving relationship looks and feels like, one that you will sometimes think of longingly when you manage to put yourself in relationships of the unhealthy variety.

. The Friend- You've never been anything except just friends, but the fact that you think so highly of him makes you sometimes wonder what if. He gives you the best, most straightforward advice that always steers you in the right direction. It's a terrific, intelligent and supportive friendship. It makes you feel like someone believes in you, and believes and encourages and inspires you in the things you strive to accomplish. And because his friendship is so important to you, you would never want to risk it. Even after the time he was describing his ideal girl and you thought, "I am just like that! Why does this sound like me? Does this sound like me? Is this a coincidence?" But you played it cool, and were happy when he found someone that made him happy.

You hope that you will be friends for a long time, but if one day in a terrifying but exhilarating turn he realizes that he is crazy about you and wants to run away to Cartegena, Colombia with you or whatever; well, that would probably be pretty okay too. Worst case, you know you'd still have some excellent conversations.

The box set comes with: Tickets to a great show you saw together; books and articles that you've suggested to each other and you consume with awe and wonder; perfectly blunt advice that you refer back to often; some sort of small, tacky or culturally/religiously insensitive gift that always makes you laugh; a person for whom you think the world of.

. The Ghost- He was wonderful, and someone you always thought would be a part of your life, even if just in the form of a friend, because you got along so exceptionally well, and you always felt like you were both the same kind of weird.

Then one day, without explanation, he disappeared. Your texts go unanswered, as do your facebook messages where he had also unfriended you. But you don't even feel angry. You just feel confused, and so very sad. The ghost of someone who used to be a part of your life now silently reminds you of the conversations you'll never have, the accomplishments you'll never get to excitedly share with them, the friend who is no longer.

 You didn’t know that the last time you saw him was goodbye.

The box set comes with: The old emails you cannot bring yourself to delete; a heartache you cannot shake regardless of how much you'd like to; a souvenir he brought you back from abroad that was also a part of a joke between you; an overwhelmingly physical feeling of being gutted when you see him one day from afar, but you just keep walking because you know that he is gone.

-Natalie Bell lives on an island and does not have a boyfriend, but she does have a lot of pets.