Horoscopes For Those Trying To Feel Human Emotions
Aries
I talk a lot about feeling empowered in your body in these horoscopes/mental wellness updates/extracurricular rantings. I do this because it's all stuff I struggle to embody myself. It feels like a specific amount of energy needs to be directed towards feeling enough confidence in our physical form to actually leave our houses on the regular, lest we regress into a heap of self-doubt, despair, and begin watching Rock Of Love With Bret Michaels in a week-long depressive cycle (more on that later). In keeping with this, at 36, I got my very first tattoo. It's a pretty simple line drawing of a feminine presenting figure with the words "NOT FOR YOU" written below it on my upper right thigh. I am completely overjoyed with it. If I were to be struck by a comically large falling anvil in this very moment, it is what I would want on my grave stone; it is the image and three words that most perfectly encapsulate how I feel as a person in this time and space. Those three little words for me felt like LIBERATION. They were a door to an entirely new feeling of confidence and self-assuredness. Did I mention that every time I look at my thighs now I am beaming? I am practically manifesting rainbows and hearts and doves out of my eyes, possibly even world peace set to the music of Sigur Ros. By boldly declaring that me and my body are not for you, but for me, I inherited a new found certainty in who I am.
This is a very long-winded and self-absorbed way of me asking what are the three (or four or five or twenty-seven) words you need tattooed (metaphorically, or not?) on your thigh to grant you the confidence to trust yourself, to feel head-over-heels in love with yourself, and wear that out into the world without apology?
I had considered this tattoo for a long time, years even, but for the longest time the words were "Desire me, don't take from me", until I realized that sounded too much like a plea. I needed a declaration. Who you are and how you present is to be curated by no one but you. It's not meant for anyone's comfort but your own. If it's not to everyone's taste/liking/convenience/
Taurus
My Taurus peeps, have you been having unbridled anxiety dreams that leave your left eye constantly twitching lately? A quick tour of mayoclinic.org (because we are refined creatures of civilization and not some kind of primordial monsters using WebMD!!) advised me that this is likely from stress, booze, stress, coffee, or stress. What's eating you, Gilbert Grape?? No really, let's get very granular about this. We're writing down a list of all the possible stressors and what ones you have any kind of control over. Why? Because our anxious little brains love to solve things. We love to pull things apart and analyze each and every millimeter into oblivion so that we have something to occupy our thoughts. Because our thoughts are lonely. They want company! They've been living through a pandemic for over 6 months now and they just want to hang out at the local sauna and listen to offensively offside remarks by entitled old racist/sexist men to fuel their daily outrage!! Okay that last one is maybe not relevant but you see where I'm going with this. Let's gain some awareness into what is forcing our bodies( and minds) into unwanted involuntary movement. What could we give our little brains to chew on that might be more soothing/healing/restful?
Gemini
Pay attention to the person packing your parachute. Because if you fuck them over, they may no longer be that invested in how softly you land.
Cancer
I knew I must have been in a depressive cycle earlier this year when I went on a Rock Of Love With Bret Michaels binge. I have no idea how in the year of our lord 2020 I saw this show for the first time, because this is exactly the type of show I would have loved in the early 2000s. I mean, I watched both seasons of A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila, so it's not as if my tastes were above Rock Of Love. But I have to be honest, something about this show made me really sad. It was as if I was suddenly very aware of the person I was 13 years ago, and how much has changed, but also what hasn't. Please do not think I'm saying that my taste in television has matured because I still eagerly watch trash TV like 90 Day Fiance, but what I am saying is that I connected to the feeling of a 13 years younger me that needed something easy to unload my brain on to and disconnect because everything about myself and the world felt like too, too much. Because most of the time I felt like I was trapped in a room with the walls and the floor and the ceiling slowly moving in until I'd eventually be crushed, and there was no way out and no one was coming to help me. If I'm being honest, even though so much time has passed and so much has changed, I knew watching Rock Of Love that I felt that same way again. I was trapped and I didn't know how to get out. Except I did! Because I've learned how. I made myself physically get up, go outside, and ride my bike fast. When I got home I considered putting Rock Of Love back on, but I realized I didn't need it. I still make bad TV choices, just not that one anymore.
This is also a thinly-veiled metaphor for my romantic partner choices.
Leo
It’s rainy season motherfuckers, so invest in some good pairs of socks and keep those feet dry! Your feet are literally the foundation that you stand on, take care of them.
Virgo
Eat whatever the hell you want. Do you think when you're old as fuck and all the collagen is gone from your skin and you've got cataracts and arthritis and gout you're going to think, "Thank god I didn't go overboard with the donuts"?? Well okay maybe you will I'm not a doctor do not take medical or dietary advice from me but really I think when you're 90 it's not going to matter that much. I don't know, our planet can only sustain us for another decade or so anyway and then the White Walkers are gonna get us for real (and give us the real ending we all deserved!!!) so enjoy yourself.
Libra
Okay but really I know it's been over a year and that fucking ending was TERRIBLE. Bran? BRAN?? Bran, WHO WAS IN A COMA FOR AN ENTIRE SEASON??? I'm sorry, but you brought Jon Snow BACK FROM THE DEAD only to have him NOT become king? Jesus, even one of the ships from the Iron Fleet would have been a better choice. Literally ANYONE BUT BRAN.
Scorpio
You guys need to chill the fuck out.
Sagittarius
I have been told before that I am competitive in a "not normal" type of way, and I took this as a compliment. I get it, I can be INTENSE, but what's the point in trying to hide that? It's going to come out within the first five minutes of a bike ride when we're laughing and having a good time but maybe you casually inch past me and suddenly I can feel a thousand wild mustangs trying to break free from my mortal body breaking the barriers of time and speed and space to touch but for a moment the feeling of true power!! This is to say that I'm not very good at doing most things in moderation which can sometimes be helpful but can also sometimes be a hindrance, so I have to be mindful of how I direct that energy. We're all "not normal" in different ways, we all have our own particular intensities and wild mustangs and that's okay. Stop trying to change who you really are. Figure out what type of horsey you've got trotting around inside you and what she needs to flourish. Find a herd that NEEDS a hyper-competitive filly to make things interesting, but maybe also has the even-temperament of a quarter horse and the bulletproof disposition of a Percheron. What I am saying my dears, is go find your herd of horses.
Capricorn
Anything is possible when you lie.
Aquarius
Water signs we need to clear this up once and for all: THERE IS NO BACKSTROKING IN THE FAST LANE! I cannot stress this point loudly and often enough. Community pools are starting to re-open, and I think there needs to be some public education on the designation of the lanes meant for lap swimming. There is a slow lane. There is a moderate lane. And then there is a FAST lane, which, as its name indicates, is for people who can swim fast. I don't know who needs to hear this (okay well actually I do, but I'm pretending to be polite) but unless you are currently representing a country in competitive swimming YOUR BACKSTROKE IS NOT FAST ENOUGH. Also, the backstroke is for when you are lost at sea and dying and is your last ditch effort at sending a prayer into the heavens before you expire. Are you tired? SO AM I. The breaststroke is a perfectly acceptable recovery stroke. And also, there are TWO WHOLE OTHER LANE OPTIONS for when you want to channel the feeling of sipping on a bellini in the leisure pool at a Mexican all-inclusive. THIS IS NOT A VACATION! This is lap time, and though I'm reluctant to tell anyone what lane they need to stay in, I am 100% comfortable telling you that the fast lane is NOT FOR YOU.
Pisces
I said what I said.
