Horoscopes For Those Trying To Feel Human Emotions
Aries
Hey you, make your bed already. Why? Because even if you are a filthy beast who hasn’t washed their sheets in months, at least you will look like a presentable beast. Presentation matters.
Taurus
Don’t go looking for emotional reassurance in a text message. 9 times out of 10 what you really wanted was the momentary acknowledgement of your humanity by someone who would hold you close but also help you hide bodies.
Gemini
Don’t feel guilty about eating that 2nd slice of cake. Just eat the damn thing. But if you really want to feel guilty maybe consider the unnecessary and horrific exploitation and torture of the animals those ingredients came from.
Cancer
It’s funny that so many of our shows and movies are about superheroes these days. Superheroes can be hard to relate to, and it never seems like they have to worry about stuff like paying their cable bill or whether or not they can afford avocados. Do you try to appear bulletproof? Do you encase yourself in a skeleton of adamantium? I liked Wolverine. I think the most human thing about him was the time someone asked if it hurts when his claws come out and his response was, “Every time.”
Leo
Get out of your head and into your body. Consider what you are absorbing internally and externally and if watching The Bachelor is really the best way to spend your Monday evening. Call your parents instead, they want to know you are still alive. Are you?
Virgo
Sometimes the best course of action is not to act, except maybe in a life or death situation, or if you happen to work in emergency services. But I mean other than that, how often are you speaking, moving or acting from your default settings? Who set those defaults anyway? How have they been working out for you so far?
Libra
I forgot this one and had to go back and write it. I’m not saying you’re forgettable, Libra, but it wouldn’t hurt to send some vegan-friendly treats my way. Because you know who won’t forget? All the cows that died cruelly for your New York cheesecake. Also, don’t be so hard on yourself this month, we all can be a little too rigid sometimes.
Scorpio
You guys need to chill the fuck out already.
Sagittarius
This month, when you feel down, doubtful, depressed, ambivalent, lost, or like some low key bad behaviour might be afoot, consider what Terry Crews might do. In the least, picturing that radiant lighthouse beacon of a human being might bring you a little bit of joy and some strength to carry you through the rest of the day. But also remember that when some powerful movie execs tried to shut him up when he came forward about being sexually assaulted his response was, “You can’t gaslight me. I’m from Flint, Michigan.”
Capricorn
Vulnerability is both an emotional bridge and aphrodisiac among the right people. If that’s what you find attractive in other people then you are walking the good walk, just make sure to show them your underbelly too.
Aquarius
Clean up your kitchen more frequently and see how just washing your dishes opens up a whole new world. Clean sink, clean mind.
Pisces
Lean into your fluid nature and go swimming. Literally, but metaphorically too if that speaks to you. What I’m talking about though is getting in an actual pool without feeling gross about your body or what people might think of it, and instead feel the strength of your arms and legs propelling you through the water; feel the change in gravity and how that changes your perspective; float on the surface and feel the fucking magic of being alive.
