Dating these days is a nightmare. This isn't a revelation, I'm not breaking new ground with this, but has it always been this way? Has the speed and ease and commodification of humans as disposable hot-or-not post cards through online dating turned most of us into robotic pterodactyls capable of expressing all emotions except the human ones? I know from what I've heard from friends, colleagues, and peers, most have some terrible dating story. Most have several in fact. I've got a whole a closet full of bat shit crazy stories that my lazy imagination could not have fabricated even if it tried!
It's such a common thing and happens to so many that it seems meaningless, and yet when it happens to you, nothing feels more personal. Rejection isn't meaningful; it isn't a verdict on your personality or your looks or your worth. You know that, I know that, but our soft, squishy hearts don't. Sometimes it's a little sting, our egos take a small bruising. Sometimes it's a harder blow and a few internal organs get perforated. We cannot hope for great love without the possibility of aching rejection. But I have a plea:
Humans of the world, let us be kind to each another. Please show up.
Let me tell you about a recent experience. Here are the boring parts:
I matched with a gentledude on the Tinds. We seemed to hit it off right away. He was pursuing me, and I was developing a pretty big mental crush on this dude who seemed right up my alley and my kind of weird. He indicated he felt the same way! We made a date, and he texted me 15min prior to takeoff to say he was on his way.
Here are the fun parts:
I waited for over 30 minutes out in the open, in plain view, in a bright orange skirt that was slightly weather inappropriate but chosen for its vibrancy and because it moves beautifully and reminds me of Miranda Otto in LOTR: The Twin Towers when she walks out of the Golden Hall (This scene is literally etched in my mind and heavily informs my style choices. Because why not?), i.e., I feel like I rule kingdoms in this motherfucker.Anyway, so, I waited in my confidence skirt, stupidly excited to meet someone suspiciously great. And with every minute that went by, every form in the distance that on closer inspection wasn't him, my excitement dimmed. Our egos will do anything to save themselves. Maybe he got lost? Maybe he's at the wrong end of the beach? Maybe he got hit by a bus? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I've been... stood up.
And there it was, the airy, billowing excitement had given way to a heavy humiliation. You know what? I was sad. My bruises were already yellowy-green and purple. And I probably wouldn't have even bruised if there hadn't been a healthy serving of earnest interest from him! There was also definitely a little insult to injury in him having read receipts on his phone, knowing he had seen my messages asking where he was, and yet, no reply. And my ego feels the need to clarify that this wasn't just a few casual text conservations that culminated in "Let's go for a walk on the beach." This dude was pursuing HARD, and appealing to the things that make me excited about someone, and making it explicitly clear that he wanted to meet, and then LET ME KNOW HE WAS ON HIS WAY. Jesus, WHY BOTHER???
There has to be a certain artery of cruelness in people who do this. And listen, I get it, I'm not the first person this has happened to, this is the pulse of the way we interact with each other these days, and this is a pretty minor thing to be writing whiny 1200 word personal essays about. But it bothers me. It bothers me that someone was calculating enough to let me know they were on their way, and then heartless enough to let me wait for them to never show up. It bothers me that this happens to my friends and my acquaintances and anyone else who may have invested the tiniest molecule of hope in someone. I don't want us to give up hope, even when all the evidence screams that we should. Please keep hoping, please keep caring, please keep showing up.
Because what's the alternative? I don't want to go through life assuming all people could be this callous, even though my experiences have taught me they absolutely can. I don't want to harden myself to the world to make sure I no longer bruise. I was really excited to meet this person. I hadn't been this excited in years. I can't tell you how embarrassed I felt to realize it was just a cruel joke. It's hard not to internalize that as, "If someone seems to show a lot of interest and seems attracted to know more about you, assume they have deceitful motives." This is not the first time I've had that lesson.
Here is where it gets creepy:
The next day, after I began writing this, I was still really bothered by this whole thing. Something was nagging at me. I had thought it was strange that this person told me their name was "Dylan Rhyder", but their Facebook account was "Dylan Rhydon". I was very suspicious when I was waiting for this "Dylan" and called his phone and it went to a voice mail for a name I didn't recognize (it sounded like a business name or something, but I couldn't hear it very well). I then proceeded to freak the fuck out when I reverse image searched his pictures, realized they were the pictures of a Brazilian jiu jitsu fighter named Marcus Almeida, and that whomever this person actually was could have easily sat watching me wait for him, and then watched me walk home. And then I realized how much information about myself I had given away without even thinking: He knew my full name, what neighbourhood I lived in, what gym I went to and when, where else I spent time outside my home, what time I was at work (but luckily not where), and some information about my family. I may not have suddenly spiralled into a storm of fear and panic had I not had previous life experiences with people using this kind of information to create a parallel universe of misery.
With that, I was done. Delete, delete, delete. I called a friend who talked me down and eased my fear. I'm lucky to have such good friends who are understanding and patient when I call them in tears about something that has triggered me. But they were right, as much as we'd like to trust the people we come across, we shouldn't, not without them earning it. I was dumb, especially considering my history, to be so open with information about myself. There is so much pain in the world, and so few with the internal tools to keep from externalizing it in hurtful ways, maybe it's not a bad idea to wear a little body armour.
I used to think that we should give our trust freely to those around us until they gave us reason not to- I don't think that anymore.
