Time, it doesn't work the way I thought it did. Time isn't as linear as we think; beginnings and ends become blurred, it all starts to circle back. Time is the metronome by which we live our lives, but it isn't flat. It moves. Time bends to the myth of our lives, the stories we tell to understand the world and how we live in it.
I look back on last year and wonder what I learned, how did I change, how have I grown, what are the things that matter most and how do I fill my life with those things?
If I put myself in my body one year ago, I can tell you that I was afraid. I was afraid to be alone. I'm not afraid of that anymore. I was afraid of being both loved and unloved. I'm not afraid of that anymore, at least not in the same way. I was afraid most of all that I would always be too much or not enough, and that my flaws were too heavy or too dark or too scarred or too unsightly for anyone to pay attention for very long. Maybe I'll always be afraid of that, but now just a little bit less than before.
Can you see the beginning of a circle? Can you show me the end? Beginnings and endings are one in the same, and so is the middle. And yet, we can't stop time; it continues to move despite how much it hurts, despite how much we will it not to. Time moves on methodically, mechanically, accurately, but not necessarily in a straight line. I can drive down a certain street and feel the exact things I did 6 months prior, as if walking through an open door taking me back to that very place in time: I am in my car waving goodbye to my best friend, using every muscle in my body to keep me stitched together despite feeling the threads popping open, tears rushing down my face like a flash flood and crumpling under its weight. Another day I might drive past that same house and I can see through the front window her feet at the bottom of the couch, thinking she's still there, tucked inside, silently waiving hello to her as I drive by.
I have a statue of Ganesh in my living room. Ganesh is a deity from the Hindu pantheon, and is revered for being the remover of obstacles. However the other side of that is he is also the placer of obstacles, and so he is both remover and placer all at once. Up until recently I thought that meant you had to stay on his good side, the remover side, or just only ever pray for him to be the remover. I thought that if I only ever thought of him being the remover then only those things would manifest, like a think positive to bring positive type mantra. But I don't think that's how it works anymore. I think whether he is the remover or placer, it is all the same. Our suffering comes from holding on to one or the other, and just like time, it continues to move despite how we may feel about it. Beginnings, endings, remover, placer- can you show me on a circle where one arrives and the other departs?
I think of time differently now. I think of us all as time travellers, sharing with those we love and those around us tools and gifts and weapons as we move from one door to another. We wear our scars on the outside so that we'll recognize each other as we move, so that we'll remember. This is what makes me less afraid. This is what tells me I am never alone.
