Instances In Which Emoticons Are Acceptable

Emoticons are terrible. Just awful. I fucking hate them. But let me tell you how I really feel; those obnoxious little symbol-based faces offend me. 

My Dad, an upstanding champion of proper sentence structure and grammar, recently started accenting his emails with them, and I felt like I suddenly didn't know the man anymore. It was a dark day. 

When getting to know someone, if they happen to drop in a smiley or winkey face, it almost immediately signals to me that we no longer have anything in common. Whatsoever. And to my horror, it seems as though errbody is getting all up ons the emoticon wagon! People I respect and like as human beings are sending me texts with all kinds of digital faces!! 

I have gotten into lengthy and heated arguments over this. For the most part, what I hear is that these devilish little faces help in identifying whatever emotion is trying to be conveyed. They signal a joke, a sad situation, or a horribly passive aggressive exchange. Fuck. That. Shit. I'm about to get curmudgeonly up in this bitch and say YOUR SENTENCE SHOULD ALREADY EXPRESS EMOTION ON ITS OWN. Yup. Shit just got real, friends. 

If I am sending someone a message and I have to let them know it's a joke otherwise they'd think I'm appallingly off-putting, sexist, racist, homophobic, xenophobic, sociopathic, sexually aggressive, etc., then we are probably not meant to be; friends, lovers, distant acquaintances, or otherwise. 

This is no monkey business, and I'd appreciate if you took this seriously. The only place an emoticon ever belongs, is in a life or death situation. That is all. 

Please observe the examples provided:

A murderous psychopath is trying to kill me :( 

A shark just accidently ate my torso, will probably bleed out :'( 

Hey Mom, the cancer came back. Won't make it to Christmas; life insurance is in your name :$ 

Lucky I came out alive from that catastrophic 6 car collision. Not so lucky for the guy in front of me ;)


Just walked in on my fiance in bed with my best friend >:(

Dear cruel world, today I quit you. Also, sorry about the blood- tried to keep it all in the bathtub! :) 

- Natalie Bell doesn't actually feel human emotion, and this is the real source of her contempt towards emoticons. How freely and effortlessly they experience a smile of happiness or a wink of mischief. How easily they show laughter at a mildly funny joke. One day, she will destroy them. SHE WILL DESTROY THEM ALL. She was also hungry when she wrote this.