Emotiscopes: Pandemic

Emotiscopes- Pandemic Edition

Horoscopes For Those Trying To Feel Human Emotions 

Aries

Ladieeeeees, if there was ever a time to turn to baking this is it, amirite??? Because us womyn have nothing else we could possibly turn to in a climate of crisis and trauma in order to soothe ourselves and the people around us we are indentured to feed both physically and energetically and emotionally as dictated by heteronormative stereotypes. Listen, baking is great, I’m just being salty because I recently bought a menstrual cup and had an entire day of outrage over the languaging of the sizing of the cups (TLDR: Anyone over 30 buying said cup is instructed to buy the largest size because apparently our vaginas turn into cavernous crevasses at this point). What made it worse is that a day later my friend sent me a real ad that was posted to social media for this particular kind of menstrual cup that said verbatim, “Mastered baking? Try your hand at using the world’s #1 menstrual cup.” BARF. They could have picked literally anything other than baking, or something not so traditionally gendered. But Natalie, isn’t this supposed to be a horoscope and not a platform for your extracurricular rantings? IT CAN BE BOTH. And yes, this month is about SELF WORTH and I’m talking to you about how a bunch of idiots writing copy for DivaCup can covertly attempt to rob you of your personal power in realizing that you can take care of yourself and buy yourself a fucking menstrual cup so you feel less bad about the amount of garbage you produce, only to find yourself in a cloud of doubt and very unexpected body shame when the packaging tells you the only choice your over 30 vagina has is the largest size possible. I am here to tell you that you know yourself and your body better than anyone, so if you think the size XXXL or whatever the fuck it is, is overkill, then you are probably right! Trust your instincts. Listen to yourself, and pay attention when it seems like someone is trying to remind you of your insecurities, whether it’s intentional or not, because the result is that you doubt your own thoughts, feelings and experiences. Languaging matters, DivaCup, DO BETTER.

Taurus

Recently I found out that someone I both loved and respected had lied to me in that way where you realize that at no point had they respected you. It hurt. A lot. But it didn’t shatter me. Perhaps coincidentally I’ve spent the last couple months doing a boatload of therapy surrounding my self doubt and being able to trust my experiences, memories, and feelings, so it felt as though I had a life raft ready to scoop me up. Probably as kudos to my therapist, and contrary to how I’ve felt for the majority of my years on earth, I did not experience this situation as my fault, or because I was not enough/ too much. I experienced this as someone who thought my worth was disposable when compared with what their ego could gain, and that had nothing to do with me. There was absolute freedom and validation in that. My boundaries were no longer a problem to be solved because I knew I could hold firm in them, unquestionably. There are people who will take your insecurities and turn them into a narrative about how it makes you wrong or invalid. I’m here to tell you to tell them to shut the fuck up. The only people who get to tell you narratives are the people interested in showing up, lifting you up, and supporting you in the name of your wellbeing. Anyone who doesn’t consider your wellbeing as equal to their own doesn’t get a spot on the fucking raft. Let them swim.

Gemini

Clean your bathroom walls and ceiling. Put in the work that people might not usually notice. This is a metaphor for taking care of the more interior and hidden things that might not be as flashy as a couch or a new statement lamp, but are essential to your health and wellbeing. You don’t want to accidentally infect the people you love with the mold growing inside you that you have continued to neglect.

Cancer

This is a reminder to go read something by a black woman.

Leo

The pandemic has been an ongoing exercise in anxiety and looming dread, and even writing this sentence feels like something out of a dystopian YA novel. We are living through a pandemic, could any of us have imagined that becoming a word we use in our day to day language? No. This is a nightmare. And yet it’s also forced many of us to become very creative in recognizing our needs, our boundaries, our nap schedules, and our grocery budgets. I used to swim laps at the nearby pool most days of the week, so I eventually transitioned that to swimming in the ocean. However, I am TERRIFIED of the ocean, despite loving it, and I had to learn how to navigate being almost in constant fear while also propelling myself forward. I am STILL convinced that I am essentially a vending machine for sharks who will sneak out at any moment, but each time a little less so. These are frightening times, but it is still possible to move forward. You can do the hard thing.

Virgo

These horoscopes are essentially just me telling stories about myself, so let’s look at the stories you tell yourself. Are they true? Are they things that keep or allow you to show your vulnerability? As the great prophet, Pharrell, once said, “Where are you holding back? You’re afraid to engage, but you’re chasing your opportunity away. Has that ever worked out for you? You’ve been afraid, and it’s not resulted in any kind of positivity, so why bring it to this moment right here? This is your moment, step into it. Let us see who you are.”

Amen, Pharrell, amen.

Libra

Please if you are my neighbour stop listening to shitty music at volume 23 during the day while I am trying to work from home. I’m privileged enough to still have a job AND be able to work from home, but I’m just really tired of hearing Sweet Child O’ Mine every time I lie down to take my 10am coffee nap.

Scorpio

You guys need to chill the fuck out. 

Sagittarius

Your worth is not tied to the size or symmetry of your body or the size of your pants or the amount of cellulite on your thighs or the smallness/bigness of your arms or the perkiness of your boobs or the amount of rolls on your back or your stomach or anywhere else. Repeat this to yourself every day. Men, you too.

Capricorn

This is a reminder to listen to black voices and what they are saying.

Aquarius

I resorted to cutting my own hair and bangs and felt like I did a pretty good job until my coworkers chirped me into oblivion about it. Keep in mind my coworkers are all very dude-dudes (and also the most wonderful and supportive people who also listen to me rant about the patriarchy on the daily), so it’s not entirely surprising that they aren’t familiar with experiencing the male gaze. They couldn’t understand why I might want to cut my hair in a slightly aggressive, slightly unconventionally attractive way. They couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to be appealing to the comfort of some men. However you decide to present yourself, make sure it’s for no one’s comfort but your own. It’s OKAY to scare the right people away. It’s OKAY to let certain people know you are not for them. This is about presenting yourself in whatever way pleases YOU. The people that matter will get it.

Pisces

Buy whatever fucking size menstrual cup you want.