It has not quite worked out so far. Sometimes it is hard not to take it personally, to feel like some part of you might be missing or not enough. Recently, after a few dates with a gentleman, I noticed a feeling of disconnect. Are you attracted to me in person, I asked. Something was off, and my reaction was to think, "Jesus, Natalie. Of course he didn't feel that attracted, you were wearing runners, ripped jeans, your bicycle sweatshirt, and your hair was braided back. You put absolutely zero effort into looking nice, what did you expect?" So do you know what I did? I straightened my hair, shaved the hair off my body, put on mascara and a low cut top. This is the same woman who proudly identifies as a capital "F" Feminist and once went on a soapbox rant at work about how it was a violation of human rights and gender-normative stereotyping informed by the patriarchy to require female employees to wear makeup. And what did my straight hair win me? Nothing, the guy still broke it off with me anyway.
So I texted my good friend to commiserate, to ask him if maybe there was something missing in me, and he called me and told me I was stupid. He was right. He said,
"Natalie, I'm going to preface this by saying this is like one of those bubbles on the side of the TV screen that informs you that the program is for the visually impaired. The bubble says, I've always thought that you are radiant; the way that you talk to people, the way that you engage."
It broke my heart in the most beautiful way because he was right, I was blind to the most important thing: Was I being seen for who I really am? I'm not saying that this guy didn't see that, but I was missing the point if I thought my bicycle sweatshirt really mattered. When someone looks at you, are they willing to look inside you and see your story? Can they speak your language- the language of dreams? Can they see what it is you shine out? What a beautiful thing to be reminded of.
How are we perceived by other people? Is what we put forward being translated properly? Or is it that the people we've met simply don't speak the language, so how could they understand the words? I'm not interested in what people think of me, per say, but I'm concerned with the honesty in which I can project the truest version of myself. Is anything being lost in translation? Am I hiding, am I guarding, am I hollowing out? These are the things I think about, because I often think people's perception of me don't match who I think I am. Where is the message getting lost? How much is someone's perception of me really about me at all?
Sometimes even physically, I wonder, what do I really look like? I look at myself and I have a really hard time seeing any change. Have I gained weight? Lost weight? Gained muscle? More dimples? It makes me sad when I think of the time that I had probably lost 20-30lbs, and people kept telling me how great and skinny I looked. I had stopped sleeping, only ate sporadically, and was at the rock bottom of an abusive relationship. But people kept complimenting me on how I looked outwardly, and yet inwardly I was decaying and felt like a monster. I wanted to die. I tried. How could they not see how ugly I felt? I remember that even when someone noticed I had lost weight and said I looked fantastic I felt ashamed because it was a lie. I couldn't tell them I was skinny from all the nights I spent awake, crying on my bathroom floor; I couldn't tell them my waist was smaller from the stress of constantly being so afraid; I couldn't look them in the eye out of fear they'd see the truth I was trying to hide.
Look at me. I want you to feel who I am and watch how I move; there's nothing to hide anymore. If you can still see sadness in my shoulders and fear in my neck, I hope you can also see the love in my arms and the gratitude in my chest.
