Letters To Angie: Beacons

Angie, my love!

So I started my day with an unexpected cry, but a happy one! I was watching Youtube videos and an ad came on before my video. I was about to skip past it, but then what it was saying caught my attention. It was a Dove ad called "Would you #choose beautiful?" It got me! I had a few little dragon tears! In the ad they set up two doors, one with the word "Beautiful" above it, the other with the word "Average", and women had to choose what door they would walk through. The part that really got me was a young girl said she wanted to walk through the Average door, but her mom pulled her away and took them both through the Beautiful door instead. 

Also, I wanted to forward you something I wrote about a week ago, because you are such a big part of what makes me feel this way! It was part of an email I wrote to so-and-so, after I had driven home from Jill's house and we had watched The Voice:

"Driving home from Jill's tonight there was a full moon, and it struck me as a beacon of hope. I look at where I am and I feel so whole-heartedly happy and grateful and lucky. Sometimes I think, how do I deserve this? I feel so much love that the only place it can move is outwards, like millions of molecular-sized fireflies reaching into the night sky to become their own stars, lighting their own beacons. 

To have felt so sad for so long, and to have found my way to the other side, it feels like new life. To look back 10 years, I think, now I understand why it was necessary. The breadth of experience was necessary to understand the depths of both light and dark, and how they cage us, hurt us, scare us, but also free us. And there's still so much to learn, to see, to experience, to love. But I feel like now, I've learned to trust; to put my energy in faith rather than fear, and that letting go doesn't mean you fall, it means you fly."

It's slightly out of context from a larger paragraph, so I hope it makes sense, but I really wanted to share that part with you, because you are such a big part of the love I feel.

Your Pal,
Natalie

You Don't Need To Stay

Girl, if you are crying more than one day a month because of something in your relationship, you don't need to stay.

Honey, if you have so many ulcers it hurts to eat and talk because of the stress of your relationship, you don't need to stay.

Babes, if you feel crazy even though you know yourself to be a reasonable and understanding person, you don't need to stay.

Darling, if you find yourself skipping out of the things you love because you are too emotionally strained and mentally exhausted, you don't need to stay.

Dearest, if you find yourself doing things you probably wouldn't because you want him to want you, you don't need to stay.

Beautiful, if he withholds his love but is still comfortable taking yours, you don't need to stay.

Sweet Pea, if you wake up one day and realize you've made yourself smaller and smaller and smaller because his needs will always be bigger and bigger, you don't need to stay.

My Love, forgive yourself for not going, forgive yourself for not letting go. The miraculous beauty of reaching for light even when we've planted ourselves deep in the muck is what makes us human. It's our grace. You can transplant yourself and still be okay. You don't need to stay.