Horoscopes For Those Trying To Feel Human Emotions
Aries
You are going to get sick. Heed the advice of hip hop duo dead prez when they say, "Drink water, eight glasses a day." Except double that amount because you need to flush that cold out of your body. Is your urine yellow? Then drink more. Are you feeling tired? Drink more water and then sleep. Does your throat feel scratchy? Boil up that water, toss in a boatload of ginger root and some honey and then drink that mother*cker down. I'm asking you to become up close and personal with your body so that you can identify your needs and how to address them. This is the whole point of getting sick, to become aware of what you need to feel good and how to do that, and maybe even admitting that sometimes you need to call a friend for help. Let them boil your water for you.
Taurus
Sometimes when things don't go the way we thought, and we end up feeling a little crushed, it's hard to imagine that we won't always feel that way. The circumstances of your life are always changing. Feel crushed, just remember you feel that way because you risked caring about something deeply, and eventually that feeling of being crumbled and dismantled will metamorphosize into a whole new superpower of profoundly connecting to those around you, if you let it. Don't get stuck in the chrysalis. It looks nice and it's hard enough to protect you, but there's little room for movement and eventually you're going to need to expand, little butterfly.
Gemini
Eat a bunch of plant-based food this month. That's a really sneaky way of saying cool it with the meat and dairy and instead stuff your face with a bunch of fruits and veggies. You can make grated parmesan out of what is essentially just cashews, nutritional yeast and some spices, and as a former parmesan connoisseur I can affirm that it tastes just as good. Plus, you will feel like an alchemist who is conjuring magic both in your food processor and in your heart.
Cancer
Sometimes we just want to watch the world burn. For most of us who aren’t psychopaths we mean this figuratively and not literally. Burning things to the ground means rebirth, new beginnings, and sometimes if you live in the Game of Thrones universe it means finding out you are impervious to fire and now have three baby dragons. Or if you are Cersei it means you plot to have all your enemies in one building and then actually blow that building up with magic fire while you watch smugly from your rooftop balcony. I can’t speak to the integrity of Cersei’s actions, but I can sort of empathize with a person’s need to wipe out their enemies, eliminate any threats to their power, and enact their own kind of dominion over a city of ashes. No, no I can’t. That sounds like a psychopath. Cancer, do not play with fire!
Leo
This month, read something you normally wouldn’t, like maybe say these horoscopes. That counts. But read something from a perspective you maybe haven’t considered, like the columns of Michael Harriot, or the works of Roxane Gay, or just someone who doesn’t look like you. Sometimes we get a little stuck in our own heads, and opening up our field of vision is one way to see the people around us a little more clearly.
Virgo
Plan a date with yourself, even if you have a partner. There’s something special to be had by realizing that you genuinely enjoy your own company and can make yourself happy. It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate. The idea of going to dinner alone with a book just sounds attention seeking to me, so my idea of a date with myself is a romantic evening at home with my pets, eating snacks, putting on a mud mask and watching some sort of British period drama. But don’t let me tell you how to live your life, you do you!
Libra
If there is one thing you do this month, let it be to figure out what you want. This might mean figuring out what you want for lunch, or it might mean figuring out if you want a relationship, a new job, a family, or just what you want in life in general. I'm not saying you need to be aware of everything you might want from now until the end of time, but I am saying that the people around you will start to act anxious and squirrel-y if they are directly affected by how little you have asked this of yourself. Some people are really hungry and don't want to have to wait 20 minutes for you to choose your entree because you only get 45 minutes for lunch. It will also save you the inevitable anxious meltdown you have when you realize you suddenly need to make a decision and could have looked at the menu online ahead of time.
Scorpio
You guys need to chill the f*ck out already.
Sagittarius
If you have to ask yourself why you feel anxious/ tired/ moody/ slightly crazy, consider if you have taken your medication today. If the answer is yes, then proceed to consider the environments you find yourself in: Are there lots of new things going on? New projects? New people? New routines? New diets? Don’t underestimate the toll these things can take on your mental and emotional landscape, even if they are good things. Sometimes our human bodies don’t know the difference between good stress and bad stress and it can take a while to adjust. Give yourself time to adjust. Now if the answer to the first question is no, then take your f*cking medication before considering all of the above.
Capricorn
Solange dropped a new album at midnight on the first day of this month. She went on Twitter and said, "I ain't running from shit no more." When you do find yourself running, consider whether you are running to or from something. Running towards a finish line is great, but remember that you're still going to have to figure out what to do with yourself afterwards. Running away from something scary is sometimes necessary but probably too often self-sabotage. In both cases, running eventually gets tiring, and it's hard to connect with anyone when you have to try and talk in between laboured breaths.
Aquarius
Don’t forget to wash your pillow cases. That is where any fluids coming out of face are collecting. Remember that.
Pisces
You don’t have to always say yes. There is power in saying no. Don’t be rude about it, but be aware of your boundaries and how often you are pushing them to please other people. Alternately, it’s not a bad idea to push your boundaries, just make sure that whomever is asking it of you gives you something close to the same consideration they give themselves. However if someone is offering you a glass a water always say yes. At least 8 times a day.
