Horoscopes For Those Trying To Feel Human Emotions
Please feel me reach through the computer screen and bring you in close for a
full, open-hearted hug. This last year has been HARD, and it's worth taking a
moment to note that. It's okay to feel that even, to feel the heavy weight of a
global catastrophe that has affected every living being on this earth. And yet
here we still are. Our human hearts sometimes forget how strong we are.
When I
was 26 I was in an abusive relationship I didn't know how to escape from, so I
tried to kill myself, and when my boyfriend saw he tried to leave me on my
bathroom floor. I thought that was as far as I was ever going to get. I didn't
know my heart had the strength to keep going, to make it out, to survive. A
decade later and sometimes I still forget. I get tangled with worry and forget
that I did make it out. I forget that I did what just about every part of me
thought was impossible: I got away, rebuilt, and stayed alive. But now here we
all are, facing down death, and having to continue our day to day lives as we do
it. I don't know what to say to make this easier. I don't know how to make it
feel less frightening or heavy or unrelenting or horrific. The only thing I know
how to say with any kind of hope is this: We survived.
Taurus
Sometimes when things are really grim, a bit of levity goes a long way. I was
compelled the other night to re-watch Magic Mike XXL (because if you haven't
already seen this movie at least 3 times what life have you even been living??).
What a glorious thing. I smiled and giggled like a teen from 1999 at a
Backstreet Boys concert. It made me feel a lightness that I don't think I've
felt since before any of us had even heard of the word Covid. It was a JOY. I
cannot recommend this enough as a balm to these bleak and weary times. Did I
think I was going to find respite from this neverending nightmare amongst
Channing Tatum's abs and Matt Bomer's earnest-as-fuck rendition of "Heaven"? No
I did not, BUT I DID! I cannot properly express how soundly I slept that night.
And the next day? POSITIVELY HOPEFUL! Who knew a movie about a bunch of hot bods
finding their purpose through the power of dance would be the true vaccine
against this unrelenting dumpster fire reality??
Gemini
Sometimes there are days when I lie down in my bed in the middle of the day and
it feels soothing to lie there in silence, listening to the sounds of the house
and the wind and the street outside. As a person frequently crushed by
depression, I'm still unsure if this habit is a balm or a bandaid. It could very
well be both. There's a certain amount of safety I feel getting under the
covers, not having to speak to anyone or listen to anything, and lie still until
I feel my lifeforce return to my body and usher me back into the world. I
routinely feel guilty about how often I actually have to do this in order to
even leave my house on a regular basis. What are your own balms and bandaids? Do
they make you feel better?
Cancer
Why is staying in shape so fucking hard? What shape am I even supposed to be?
What are the newly approved body shapes for 2021 as co-signed by the patriarchy,
Big Media, Dove Body commercials, Maxim covers (does this magazine still
exist??), and online dating profiles? Good grief it's exhausting. I would like
to live in a world where I can go ride my bike for 5 hours and expend 3000
calories because my brain lacks a moderation button and then apply that same
impulsiveness to my meals for the next week and just have it all even out. I
absolutely do not care about spending any time thinking about macros and caloric
deficits, I just want a fucking burger! I want to eat burgers and be able to
pass old people on my bike while also still fitting into pants. That's all I
want. I don't need to be some kind of quadzilla like Robert Forstermann, or look
like Puck Moonen (who is more than just a "cycling babe"!!!). I don't know where
I'm going with this horoscope but your body is probably fine and we've all
gotten fat from the constant and unrelenting fear that this is the end of days
so you can tell anyone who says anything hurtful about your body to promptly go
and fuck off. Tell them I said that.
Leo
Speaking of survival, aren't you still upset about that weak-ass, cop-out of a
death for our one and only KAH-WEEN CERSEI?? You should be. She was the baddest
bitch and just about outsmarted all those motherfuckers only to be crumpled by a
tower of a million jenga blocks with her dumb brother. She AT LEAST deserved to
go out by getting dracarys-ed by Drogon, or be given to Dorne, or have to
finally face the fiscal irresponsibility of her debts. This is the woman who
tricked like 90% of her enemies into the Sept of Baelor which she then blew up
and smugly watched from her balcony while sipping wine like a pro sommelier
silently judging all the messy bachelorette parties at a winery who just want
rosé . This bitch was serving RUH-VAHNGE like the woman who convinces her
cheating partner to get their names tattoed on each other, only to go last and
then just leave instead. She is the stone-cold queen in high school who yells,
"If I wanted to hurt your feelings, you'd be CRYING right now, bitch!". This
woman was given some kind of rachet-ass haircut, made to walk naked through the
streets while haters threw moldy vegetables and poo at her with some Handmaid's
Tale Aunt ringing a goddamn bell every 5 seconds, and STILL was like, "Don't
worry baby, I got your fucking number. Trust." You can fight me on this but
Cersei was the villain we all needed and she deserved some respect! Leo, the
Lannisters send their regards.
Virgo
Yes, I will continue to rant about Game of Thrones and how it ruined my trip to
Nova Scotia so get used to it. Life lesson: sometimes the things you want to
happen don't happen.
Libra
Okay this is a serious one and it fucking scares the daylight out of me. In the
last 30 years, we have lost over 50% of the coral reefs on earth. The coral is
turning white and dying because the average temperature of the oceans have risen
by 2 degrees or more. Think of that like our bodies and how if our average
temperature rises by a few degrees or more we're on a pretty quick trip to the
ER. But most of us don't go in the ocean, so we don't see this shit going down.
I don't know what to do except try to convince people to care by luring them
into the water with me and showing them what's under the surface and how it's
the most beautiful thing they could ever see. It makes me want to stay alive,
feel alive, and we can't survive without it. Our oceans are absorbing the
consequences of our negligence and are dying. What are you going to do?
Scorpio
You guys need to chill the fuck out.
Sagittarius
Listen, if you come home late one night (i.e., 10:45pm) and you’re drunk and
have a headache and you KNOW putting some cedar oil in your diffuser will make
you feel better, then skip the internal battle and just fucking do it. I know,
that tiny bottle of cedar oil is like $50. You only need to use 6 drops! And no,
this is not a good time to decide to change your sheets because they have become
crumpled. Go to fucking bed. Yes, your legs feel very smooth because you used
that $12 body bar in the bath you took earlier. Did you take your medication?
Good, now go the fuck to sleep.
Capricorn
We're all capable of being monsters. Every last one of us. But please don't. "To
heal is to touch with love that which was previously touched by fear," wrote
author Stephen Levine. Consider that for a moment. Consider that every day that
you wake up for the rest of your life because that is what is going to be
necessary to be a good, kind person in this world. Where does the buck of fear
stop? It can stop with you.
Aquarius
Keep going. There is nothing you can do to change the past. It's gone. You can't
disappear with it or try to will yourself back into it as if things had gone
differently. They didn't. They won't. Close that door, it doesn't go anywhere
anymore. I know you know that logically but now you have to embody it
emotionally. You have to keep going. In the words of queer icon Freddie Mercury,
"Spread your little wings and fly away, far away."
Pisces
There is a difference between living and surviving. Remember that surviving is
the bare minimum and you are eventually going to need to rest because you can't
sustain yourself in that mode indefinitely. You need to find the things that
make breathing in and out worth it. It WILL get better. If you're reading this,
YOU SURVIVED. The hardest part is over. Now go live.
