I watched the 6th one a long time ago, and I think I either fell asleep or was sick because it's only vaguely familiar, like a hazy dream you enjoyed but also didn't make much sense and cost you $5.99. I remember something about Michelle Rodriguez losing her memory even though in the 21st century we all know this can't actually happen and jesus this is still being used as a legitimate plot device?!? I actually really love this franchise so I think I may still just be mad over Michelle Rodriguez's character from LOST.
The movie starts with Jason StillHandsomeFuckingRob Statham talking to his bro who's in a coma or whatever. Oh, also, J-Stath single handedly took an entire hospital hostage. Uhhh, he knows they can take better care of his brother if he doesn't blow up all their really expensive equipment, right? Dude, dial it down.
ANYWAY. Michelle Rodriguez thinks her and Vin are lost in the desert because she doesn't remember anything. WRONG. They're at RaceWars! Which seems kinda like Burning Man but with cars and just as many celebrities.
Disclaimer: Even though I have watched every movie in this franchise, some of them multiple times, the only character who's name I actually remember is Han, because he is the gem of this series.
Uh oh! Jason NotTheITGuy Statham broke into The Rock's office and hacked his computer! And he still hasn't dialed it down! This suddenly feels like The Expendables: Vroom Vroom Cars Edition. And then J-Stath blew up Paul Walker's house, and WHAT IN THE TOKYO DRIFT FUCK? HE KILLED HAN?!?! This man is a monster. And a time traveler?
Oh god, Tyrese says to Paul Walker, "Just promise me Brian, no more funerals." That made me sad.
Captain Ron shows up, and he knows what kind of beer Vin Diesel drinks. He is the Leslie Knope of secret, shadowy, black ops military organizations with a conveniently super sweet garage.
The movie kind of lost me at skydiving cars, but I stayed for Ludacris saying things with his mouth. Get Back is still one of my favourite songs, and also occasionally my alarm clock song when I need to wake up in a fighting mood. One time I was dating this WhatsHisFace, and my alarm was set for an unreasonable hour, and Luda yelling "HANDS UP!" at zero dark stupid scared the bejesus out of said dude while I continued to sleep in blissful ignorance. Turns out WhosHisNuts wasn't a great human being and had crippling interpersonal issues though, so hahahahaha, fuck you, GET BACK MOTHERFUCKER Y'ALL DON'T KNOW ME LIKE THAT.
*Punch dance break*
Hooo, that got intense for a sec. Sorry. Back to J-Stath blowing up errbody's phones, and also their cars, homes, and reasons to live.
Road trip to Abu Dhabi! In a loose plot point the gang fly to Fury Road, Middle East, where Missandei wears a bathing suit, and then everyone gets dressed up and have to steal some flash drive from a prince's car that he keeps in his penthouse where Ronda Rousey is the head of security while Tyrese makes great-bad jokes and then Michelle Rodriguez fights Ronda Rousey and lasts more than 23 seconds. I'm not making that up. It gets crazier, but I don't even want to go there.
Everyone ends up back in the U.S.Fucking.A and I still don't really understand what Djimon Hounsou is doing in this movie, but okay. Previous to this there is a scene where Paul Walker talks to his movie wife on the phone and it sounds like he is saying goodbye. You would have to be a White Walker not to feel kind of sad at that. Oh and Captain Ron maybe died back on Middle East Fury Rd? I wasn't paying attention. The Rock sees all the fun going down from his hospital window and literally flexes off his arm cast so he won't be tardy to the party.
There's not nearly enough driving, too little gear shifting, some bald men fighting with lead pipe-ing, lots of shooting, more cars crashing, rumble in the Bronx-ing except in LA, and oh my god The Rock just stole an ambulance as his ride to the dance. I feel like this movie has very little consideration for emergency services. Team Street wins!
I got up to go pee and when I came back the power of love had saved Vin Diesel over CPR. Who knew?
Oh good grief the end of this movie actually made me cry. Everyone is at the beach watching Paul Walker play with his son and talking about him being where he belongs. Ooof. Vin Diesel! First you went and sang Rihanna's Stay, and now this? That was beautiful.
