Things I Am Afraid Of

I remember being in, maybe grade 5? Our English teacher made us write an anonymous letter talking about the things that we were afraid of. I'm pretty sure this was after we had just watched one of those PSA videos on the birds and bees of growing up. At one point in the video a young girl accidentally dropped a tampon right in front of the boy she had a crush on. We all laughed at her, but in the video the boy picked it up for her and smiled. Thanks a lot PSA, that NEVER happened to me. In fact, my mom wouldn’t even buy me tampons for the longest time because she thought they were “Too much like a penis.” Yup. Oh Mom, I love you. Those were the actual words that were used one day when we got into an argument in the feminine hygiene aisle at the pharmacy.

I sort of suspect that those anonymous letters were just a time killer for our teacher that day, and I was a little upset because I felt like I poured my fucking heart out into that letter and we never heard or saw anything to do with them again.

I remember writing that I was afraid to get my period, I was afraid of my parents dying, and I was afraid of growing up and not knowing what to do. My parents did not die (yay!), but I did get my period, and eventually realized that no know really knows what to do; they just trick you into thinking otherwise.

It would be fair to say that a lot has changed since that day in grade 5; namely that I am now afraid of a shit ton more things. Oh childhood, it was all so much easier when legitimate fears where things like whether Wolverine would survive having the adamantium ripped from his body, or if I would find my plastic Apatosaurus that I left near the pool the other day.

What am I afraid of now? Well friends, here is what my adult list would say:

. Sharks- The logical part of my brain tells me it is very, very unlikely I would be attacked by a shark while swimming in the ocean. The Discovery Channel tells me that if I was, it would be a mistake. My right leg and half missing torso tells me that is a pretty big fucking mistake.

. Millipedes- The big ones with the long, hairy legs. Groooss! Dry heave.

. Air kisses- I think this is self-explanatory.

. Kevin Bacon- Have you seen Hollow Man???

. Stephenie Meyer continuing to be a New York Times Bestseller.

. Game of Thrones season 3 not being as fucking badass as season 1 & 2 because SPOILER: the zombie-walkers or whatever, were exterior-shot-of-the-submarine-from-LOST lame. Totally ruined it for me. Zombies are stupid, so let's just never go there again, okay?

. My body slowly starting to fail me.

. My dogs eating my new Sperry Top-Siders. Again.

. I'm still afraid of my parents dying, because jesus christ, they've always been here! I love them! Please don't leave me yet. I'm not ready.

. Crocs- Please. Just stop it with these horrible atrocities against good taste.

. Stupid superficial stuff like my boobs getting saggy, my face getting wrinkly, my ass getting flat.

. Never paying off my debt.

. That you will let logic win out over your heart.

. Angie never leaving her husband for me.

. STEVE HOLT! Not getting his chance on the big screen.

. Never getting to see Celine Dion in concert. Serious. I love that woman. Her televised concerts make me cry big, ugly, baby tears.

. I am afraid that you are gone forever, and that I will never see you again. I miss the way you talk.

. My dogs one day figuring out how to surmount the impenetrable wall (i.e. the long, skinny mirror that is turned lengthwise and lies across the doorway in front of my bedroom).

. Getting my period unexpectedly while sleeping at a boy's house.

. Unexpectedly not getting my period after sleeping at a boy's house.

. Fish touching me. That's not a euphemism for anything. I mean that. Seriously. No touching.

. That the wizard is still holding my heart hostage.

. That the wizard is actually Alexander Skarsgard, and he will never realize that we are actually soul mates destined to dance together in the garden of passion and love (and sexy times!) for all of eternity, until the end of time.

. I am afraid not of being alone, but ending up alone.

. Even more, falling into the security of thinking that someone will always be there, because the truth of it is, they won't. No one ever is. None of us are bulletproof. None of us are impervious to disease and illness and cancer and life and time. None of us are immortal.
And what if they come to see you fully, to know you inside and out, to love you in a way you had previously not known; then one day, after years and years and family and birthdays and holidays and good days and bad days and couch days and so many days, they leave? 
I am afraid of being blindsided.

. I am afraid that this doesn’t get easier. But I don’t think that it’s supposed to.

- Natalie Bell, surprisingly, sleeps pretty soundly at night.