Game Of Emoticopes: April

Horoscopes For Those Trying To Feel Human Emotions 

Aries

Stoicism is overrated. I mean, it looks very cool if you are Sean Bean playing pretty much any character, but I’m suspicious about how well it actually works out in real life. I’m not convinced that stoicism isn’t a way to hedge yourself against vulnerability, to keep yourself safe from a certain amount of intimacy with the people close to you. I’m challenging you this month to say out loud, and to the people that matter, what you think and feel, and how you feel about them. People like to know they’re in the thoughts of those they love. There’s a certain kind of magic when you can take the things you hold close inside you and release them out into the open. Even Ned Stark meant to do it eventually, but then Joffrey cut his head off and he never got the chance. You have the chance right now.

Taurus

You guys are stubborn as hell. That’s not always a bad thing! Standing your ground and defending it can mean that you know your boundaries and are willing to speak up when someone starts to cross them. Remember that the traits that sometimes get you in trouble are also the traits that make you excel; it’s all in how you focus it. If you are going to die on a hill, consider why it’s that one.

Gemini

What are you holding on to too tightly? What are you afraid of? Fear is handy, because it teaches us that we can’t just go traipsing around wherever we want, whenever we want without there being consequences. For example, if you are a surfer, fearing a 10 foot wall of water thundering towards you seems like a natural and reasonable reaction. However, remember that you are out in that ocean for a reason and you’re going to have to let go of your board and pop on up if you want to ride that wave, my dude. A consequence of you doing that might be that you die, but it probably won’t.

Cancer

It seems I’ve written a lot about death this month. As your (non) astrologer I am going to interpret that to mean that this month is all about the little deaths that happen to us all internally. It’s also called change, or closure. A little internal death doesn’t have to mean that we hollow ourselves out on the inside, but can instead mean that we allow the things we no longer need to dissipate, dissolve, disperse. These are all soft words for saying, “You’re going to need room for other things, so let’s free up some f*cking space.”

Leo

If the Stark’s words are “Winter is Coming” maybe the words for our collective world should be “Climate Change is Coming”. It’s been a very long summer, friends, and the Night (Climate Change) King and his army of White Walkers and Wights are upon us. For those of you who don’t watch Game of Thrones I am not referring to Trump, Republicans, and the members of the Westboro Baptist Church, though I suppose they could sub in just as easily. I’m referring to the army of the dead that are about to descend upon the fictional world of Westeros when the final season of Game of Thrones begins. We don’t live in a fictional world with an HBO CGI budget, but our threat is just as real. Leading scientists have given us 10 years before the earth really falls to sh*t if we don’t clean up our act, literally. Leos, are you pre-occupied with defending the Iron Throne, with holding your position, or are you ready to ride North? Winter is coming.

Virgo

Sometimes things get so serious we forget along the way to have fun. Sometimes a little moment of levity is the breath of fresh air we need to continue marching forward. If you’ve been paying attention you’ve noticed a few different themes floating around this month, and despite some of their weightiness remember that a good laugh is a good way to take you out of your head long enough to clear your perspective. Even Jon Snow can’t brood all the time.

Libra

Consider that everything you think you know or hold true may one day blow up in your face. Consider that this isn’t your fault, but that this is a way to take inventory of all the things you know and ask how you know them. Who told you that was the way it’s supposed to be? Where did you learn that from? I think as women especially we are taught in so many unconscious ways how to fold ourselves into the men in our lives; how to be good and how to serve the men around us; how to make ourselves small enough to disappear. How can you make yourself big? How can you be good to you and serve yourself? Men, same questions, but be aware of how much space you are naturally given and how you might share it.

Scorpio

You guys need to chill the f*ck out already.

Sagittarius

What are you passively consuming, mentally, emotionally, physically? You can do something actively and be still; your hands and mind don’t always have to be reaching for something. We fill ourselves so easily with things we aren’t even aware of, and then wonder why we are so tired. Give yourself a rest, a real rest. Get as into this or not as you wish. My go-to is to lie down on my living room floor with my legs propped up on my chaise lounge, some tea tree and cedarwood oil on the diffuser, some sort of relaxation/meditation music, and an optional novelty sleep mask. Game of Thrones starts on the 14^th of this month and you are going to want to be bright eyed and bushy tailed for the final season of what is arguably THE GREATEST SHOW OF ALL TIME. Can you tell I’m excited??

Capricorn

What is it about letting your insides show that makes you a little anxious? Recently my boss gave me an over-sized puzzle piece that I was supposed to colour or paint as part of a larger art wall. I decided I didn’t want to be constrained by the limits of two dimensions and instead made it into a 3D puzzle piece of an abstract person ripping open their chest and spilling out its contents. I wanted to attach my favourite Cheryl Strayed quote, “Let yourself be gutted. Let it open you. Start there.” But seeing as we work in emergency services that was shot down pretty quickly.

Aquarius 

When was the last time you cleaned your bathtub? Are you supposed to clean them with your clothes on? It always seems like they take forever to scrub and everything gets wet and water gets all over the floor and eventually you give up, get naked, turn the shower on, and just scrub everything frantically and haphazardly while silently promising yourself to never let it go this long again. This is of course a metaphor and not a very candid re-telling of actual events.

Pisces

What were we saying about stoicism- it gets your head chopped off? Pisces, I am not a real astrologer and have no idea if you are prone to that kind of detachment, but regardless I am imploring you to keep your head firmly on your body. This month, do not die; you’re going to want to know how Game of Thrones ends.

Emotiscopes: March

Horoscopes For Those Trying To Feel Human Emotions 

Aries

You are going to get sick. Heed the advice of hip hop duo dead prez when they say, "Drink water, eight glasses a day." Except double that amount because you need to flush that cold out of your body. Is your urine yellow? Then drink more. Are you feeling tired? Drink more water and then sleep. Does your throat feel scratchy? Boil up that water, toss in a boatload of ginger root and some honey and then drink that mother*cker down. I'm asking you to become up close and personal with your body so that you can identify your needs and how to address them. This is the whole point of getting sick, to become aware of what you need to feel good and how to do that, and maybe even admitting that sometimes you need to call a friend for help. Let them boil your water for you.

Taurus

Sometimes when things don't go the way we thought, and we end up feeling a little crushed, it's hard to imagine that we won't always feel that way. The circumstances of your life are always changing. Feel crushed, just remember you feel that way because you risked caring about something deeply, and eventually that feeling of being crumbled and dismantled will metamorphosize into a whole new superpower of profoundly connecting to those around you, if you let it. Don't get stuck in the chrysalis. It looks nice and it's hard enough to protect you, but there's little room for movement and eventually you're going to need to expand, little butterfly.

Gemini

Eat a bunch of plant-based food this month. That's a really sneaky way of saying cool it with the meat and dairy and instead stuff your face with a bunch of fruits and veggies. You can make grated parmesan out of what is essentially just cashews, nutritional yeast and some spices, and as a former parmesan connoisseur I can affirm that it tastes just as good. Plus, you will feel like an alchemist who is conjuring magic both in your food processor and in your heart.

Cancer

Sometimes we just want to watch the world burn. For most of us who aren’t psychopaths we mean this figuratively and not literally. Burning things to the ground means rebirth, new beginnings, and sometimes if you live in the Game of Thrones universe it means finding out you are impervious to fire and now have three baby dragons. Or if you are Cersei it means you plot to have all your enemies in one building and then actually blow that building up with magic fire while you watch smugly from your rooftop balcony. I can’t speak to the integrity of Cersei’s actions, but I can sort of empathize with a person’s need to wipe out their enemies, eliminate any threats to their power, and enact their own kind of dominion over a city of ashes. No, no I can’t. That sounds like a psychopath. Cancer, do not play with fire!

Leo

This month, read something you normally wouldn’t, like maybe say these horoscopes. That counts. But read something from a perspective you maybe haven’t considered, like the columns of Michael Harriot, or the works of Roxane Gay, or just someone who doesn’t look like you. Sometimes we get a little stuck in our own heads, and opening up our field of vision is one way to see the people around us a little more clearly.

Virgo

Plan a date with yourself, even if you have a partner. There’s something special to be had by realizing that you genuinely enjoy your own company and can make yourself happy. It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate. The idea of going to dinner alone with a book just sounds attention seeking to me, so my idea of a date with myself is a romantic evening at home with my pets, eating snacks, putting on a mud mask and watching some sort of British period drama. But don’t let me tell you how to live your life, you do you!

Libra

If there is one thing you do this month, let it be to figure out what you want.  This might mean figuring out what you want for lunch, or it might mean figuring out if you want a relationship, a new job, a family, or just what you want in life in general. I'm not saying you need to be aware of everything you might want from now until the end of time, but I am saying that the people around you will start to act anxious and squirrel-y if they are directly affected by how little you have asked this of yourself. Some people are really hungry and don't want to have to wait 20 minutes for you to choose your entree because you only get 45 minutes for lunch. It will also save you the inevitable anxious meltdown you have when you realize you suddenly need to make a decision and could have looked at the menu online ahead of time.  

Scorpio

You guys need to chill the f*ck out already.

Sagittarius

If you have to ask yourself why you feel anxious/ tired/ moody/ slightly crazy, consider if you have taken your medication today. If the answer is yes, then proceed to consider the environments you find yourself in: Are there lots of new things going on? New projects? New people? New routines? New diets? Don’t underestimate the toll these things can take on your mental and emotional landscape, even if they are good things. Sometimes our human bodies don’t know the difference between good stress and bad stress and it can take a while to adjust. Give yourself time to adjust. Now if the answer to the first question is no, then take your f*cking medication before considering all of the above.

Capricorn

Solange dropped a new album at midnight on the first day of this month. She went on Twitter and said, "I ain't running from shit no more." When you do find yourself running, consider whether you are running to or from something. Running towards a finish line is great, but remember that you're still going to have to figure out what to do with yourself afterwards. Running away from something scary is sometimes necessary but probably too often self-sabotage. In both cases, running eventually gets tiring, and it's hard to connect with anyone when you have to try and talk in between laboured breaths.

Aquarius 

Don’t forget to wash your pillow cases. That is where any fluids coming out of face are collecting. Remember that.

Pisces

You don’t have to always say yes. There is power in saying no. Don’t be rude about it, but be aware of your boundaries and how often you are pushing them to please other people. Alternately, it’s not a bad idea to push your boundaries, just make sure that whomever is asking it of you gives you something close to the same consideration they give themselves. However if someone is offering you a glass a water always say yes. At least 8 times a day.

Emotiscopes: February

Horoscopes For Those Trying To Feel Human Emotions 

Aries

Hey you, make your bed already. Why? Because even if you are a filthy beast who hasn’t washed their sheets in months, at least you will look like a presentable beast. Presentation matters.

Taurus

Don’t go looking for emotional reassurance in a text message. 9 times out of 10 what you really wanted was the momentary acknowledgement of your humanity by someone who would hold you close but also help you hide bodies.

Gemini

Don’t feel guilty about eating that 2nd slice of cake. Just eat the damn thing. But if you really want to feel guilty maybe consider the unnecessary and horrific exploitation and torture of the animals those ingredients came from.

Cancer

It’s funny that so many of our shows and movies are about superheroes these days. Superheroes can be hard to relate to, and it never seems like they have to worry about stuff like paying their cable bill or whether or not they can afford avocados. Do you try to appear bulletproof? Do you encase yourself in a skeleton of adamantium? I liked Wolverine. I think the most human thing about him was the time someone asked if it hurts when his claws come out and his response was, “Every time.”

Leo

Get out of your head and into your body. Consider what you are absorbing internally and externally and if watching The Bachelor is really the best way to spend your Monday evening. Call your parents instead, they want to know you are still alive. Are you?

Virgo

Sometimes the best course of action is not to act, except maybe in a life or death situation, or if you happen to work in emergency services. But I mean other than that, how often are you speaking, moving or acting from your default settings? Who set those defaults anyway? How have they been working out for you so far?

Libra

I forgot this one and had to go back and write it. I’m not saying you’re forgettable, Libra, but it wouldn’t hurt to send some vegan-friendly treats my way. Because you know who won’t forget? All the cows that died cruelly for your New York cheesecake. Also, don’t be so hard on yourself this month, we all can be a little too rigid sometimes.

Scorpio

You guys need to chill the fuck out already.

Sagittarius

This month, when you feel down, doubtful, depressed, ambivalent, lost, or like some low key bad behaviour might be afoot, consider what Terry Crews might do. In the least, picturing that radiant lighthouse beacon of a human being might bring you a little bit of joy and some strength to carry you through the rest of the day. But also remember that when some powerful movie execs tried to shut him up when he came forward about being sexually assaulted his response was, “You can’t gaslight me. I’m from Flint, Michigan.”

Capricorn

Vulnerability is both an emotional bridge and aphrodisiac among the right people. If that’s what you find attractive in other people then you are walking the good walk, just make sure to show them your underbelly too.

Aquarius 

Clean up your kitchen more frequently and see how just washing your dishes opens up a whole new world. Clean sink, clean mind.

Pisces

Lean into your fluid nature and go swimming. Literally, but metaphorically too if that speaks to you. What I’m talking about though is getting in an actual pool without feeling gross about your body or what people might think of it, and instead feel the strength of your arms and legs propelling you through the water; feel the change in gravity and how that changes your perspective; float on the surface and feel the fucking magic of being alive.

Time

Time, it doesn't work the way I thought it did. Time isn't as linear as we think; beginnings and ends become blurred, it all starts to circle back. Time is the metronome by which we live our lives, but it isn't flat. It moves. Time bends to the myth of our lives, the stories we tell to understand the world and how we live in it. 

I look back on last year and wonder what I learned, how did I change, how have I grown, what are the things that matter most and how do I fill my life with those things? 

If I put myself in my body one year ago, I can tell you that I was afraid. I was afraid to be alone. I'm not afraid of that anymore. I was afraid of being both loved and unloved. I'm not afraid of that anymore, at least not in the same way. I was afraid most of all that I would always be too much or not enough, and that my flaws were too heavy or too dark or too scarred or too unsightly for anyone to pay attention for very long. Maybe I'll always be afraid of that, but now just a little bit less than before.

Can you see the beginning of a circle? Can you show me the end? Beginnings and endings are one in the same, and so is the middle. And yet, we can't stop time; it continues to move despite how much it hurts, despite how much we will it not to. Time moves on methodically, mechanically, accurately, but not necessarily in a straight line. I can drive down a certain street and feel the exact things I did 6 months prior, as if walking through an open door taking me back to that very place in time: I am in my car waving goodbye to my best friend, using every muscle in my body to keep me stitched together despite feeling the threads popping open, tears rushing down my face like a flash flood and crumpling under its weight. Another day I might drive past that same house and I can see through the front window her feet at the bottom of the couch, thinking she's still there, tucked inside, silently waiving hello to her as I drive by. 

I have a statue of Ganesh in my living room. Ganesh is a deity from the Hindu pantheon, and is revered for being the remover of obstacles. However the other side of that is he is also the placer of obstacles, and so he is both remover and placer all at once. Up until recently I thought that meant you had to stay on his good side, the remover side, or just only ever pray for him to be the remover. I thought that if I only ever thought of him being the remover then only those things would manifest, like a think positive to bring positive type mantra. But I don't think that's how it works anymore. I think whether he is the remover or placer, it is all the same. Our suffering comes from holding on to one or the other, and just like time, it continues to move despite how we may feel about it. Beginnings, endings, remover, placer- can you show me on a circle where one arrives and the other departs? 

I think of time differently now. I think of us all as time travellers, sharing with those we love and those around us tools and gifts and weapons as we move from one door to another. We wear our scars on the outside so that we'll recognize each other as we move, so that we'll remember. This is what makes me less afraid. This is what tells me I am never alone.

Letters To My Future Boyfriends

There's nothing you can do that would hurt me anymore.

The person I loved told me he was an alcoholic and needed to change, and that I was the first person to be so caring with him, so gentle, that I meant so much to him. But then he packed a box of condoms right in front of me for a trip to Bali; a trip where he got so drunk so often he was sick for several weeks afterwards. Oh, and he also fucked a bunch of girls, but maybe I should have seen that coming.

You can't hurt me with that, because my heart's already been dropped that way.

The person I loved told me he loved me, wanted a life with me, wanted all the things I wanted too and wanted them together, but then after 2 years I found out he had another girlfriend, pretty much a spouse, and that he had never even been single in the first place, and everything had been a lie. I was the other woman. I was one of several other women who shouldn't think we were anything special, because this wasn't the first time.

You can't hurt me with that, because my heart's already been shattered that way.

The person I loved told me he'd never let anyone hurt me like that again, but then he withheld his love, withheld the truth, withheld the respect of allowing me to take my clothes and my shoes and my toothbrush and my pillow and my love from his house because he didn't want to wait to start his forever with someone else, and didn't want to have an uncomfortable conversation.

You can't hurt me with that, because my heart's already been severed that way.

The person I loved told me he wasn't sure if he was attracted to me, and that he wasn't sure if he loved me. Maybe he did, but maybe he didn't. So he went to find out. After that he showed up at my work with flowers and asked me to fall asleep with him. But then while I was still at work he slept with his ex girlfriend behind my back and sent me a text message the next day saying he was following his heart with someone else. I only found out about him going behind my back because he was at the party we were supposed to go to together, having the time of his life, and I showed up to force him to have to say it to my face.

You can't hurt me with that, because my heart's already been detonated that way.

The person I loved, the one whom I supported, the one for whom I rented a car and took the ferry and drove 17 hours through the night so he could get to his grandmother's funeral and I became a part of his family, that person walked into work and then immediately walked out without a saying a word. He texted me to say he was done and he was dumping me. I got to explain to our boss where my partner had gone. He then deleted every picture of us and me and the dog from all of his social media, and then deleted me. I came home to find he had cleared out all of his belongings while I was still at work and left his key under the mat.

You can't hurt me with that, because my heart's already been destroyed that way.

The person I loved told me to call someone to come get me, to get someone to take me to the hospital because he was leaving, because I had just swallowed a handful of his pills in front of him, because I didn't know how else to escape, how to make it stop, and he didn't want to get caught in the mess. He didn't call an ambulance. He did hurt me. He did threaten me. He did try to leave me, alone, on my bathroom floor.

You can't hurt me with that, because my heart already been left to die.

... But it didn't. My heart didn't die. It kept beating, even when it was in pieces, even when it had sublimed into mist, even when life felt like a warm day from a long time ago that I'd never find my way back to. It kept beating, even when the pain threatened to crush it, even when it was splintered and bruised, even the air was running out. It endured. It didn't miss a beat. It persisted. And so did I.

You can't hurt me with any of that, because my heart is so strong. It'll give you more love than you could ever imagine, because it had to evolve into something bigger, something greater. This is the beauty of our suffering- it dares us to grow, it teaches us to reach. My heart was dismantled, but then sown back together with light. And now I can pass you the light to thread your ruptured heart too.

Letters To Angie: Beacons

Angie, my love!

So I started my day with an unexpected cry, but a happy one! I was watching Youtube videos and an ad came on before my video. I was about to skip past it, but then what it was saying caught my attention. It was a Dove ad called "Would you #choose beautiful?" It got me! I had a few little dragon tears! In the ad they set up two doors, one with the word "Beautiful" above it, the other with the word "Average", and women had to choose what door they would walk through. The part that really got me was a young girl said she wanted to walk through the Average door, but her mom pulled her away and took them both through the Beautiful door instead. 

Also, I wanted to forward you something I wrote about a week ago, because you are such a big part of what makes me feel this way! It was part of an email I wrote to so-and-so, after I had driven home from Jill's house and we had watched The Voice:

"Driving home from Jill's tonight there was a full moon, and it struck me as a beacon of hope. I look at where I am and I feel so whole-heartedly happy and grateful and lucky. Sometimes I think, how do I deserve this? I feel so much love that the only place it can move is outwards, like millions of molecular-sized fireflies reaching into the night sky to become their own stars, lighting their own beacons. 

To have felt so sad for so long, and to have found my way to the other side, it feels like new life. To look back 10 years, I think, now I understand why it was necessary. The breadth of experience was necessary to understand the depths of both light and dark, and how they cage us, hurt us, scare us, but also free us. And there's still so much to learn, to see, to experience, to love. But I feel like now, I've learned to trust; to put my energy in faith rather than fear, and that letting go doesn't mean you fall, it means you fly."

It's slightly out of context from a larger paragraph, so I hope it makes sense, but I really wanted to share that part with you, because you are such a big part of the love I feel.

Your Pal,
Natalie