I Was Sick For 7 Days And Here Is What I Learned

This Christmas I caught a terrible case of the flu that seemed hell-bent on ending my puny mortal existence, or in the least, just fucking me up royally. 

At first it wasn't so bad, I was still making jokes, "Sorry can't hang out! I'm really sick, but I'm gonna be so HAWT from all the weight imma lose, hahahaha!", "Damn, I'd love to come out, but I'm still pretty sick. At least I'm saving money on all the cash I'm not blowing on food, lol!".

Do not ever tempt fate by laughing in its face because it will take that as a challenge, and that is a challenge you will not win.

I couldn't keep food down for 3 days. I peed my pants a few times from coughing too hard. I tried making a bed on my bathroom floor so I wouldn't have to keep walking to the toilet to throw up, but the floor proved too cold. I eventually texted a friend asking what they were doing that night, because if they were free I might need a ride to the hospital. And because they are a gem, my own Wellness Fairy swooped over and pumped me full of coconut water, Gatorade, Gravol, and soup. It worked! But I still had some recovering to do. 

Christmas is maybe one of the most fortuitous times to get sick because they run goddamn marathons of everything on TV. It was a life saver. I watched so many fucking marathons and documentaries. I watched entire marathons of Timber Kings, Guy's Grocery Games, Cutthroat Kitchen, Chopped, House Hunters, and House Hunters International. I even watched the first two seasons of Glee, which I forgot actually started out really good?!?! Oh god and really sad at the same time. Here is what I learned:

. Timber Kings- This is a show about guys who make timber houses out of Williams Lake, BC. I think it's on the History Channel. I had never seen this show before my killer flu, but it pulled out to be one of my favourites. I admit, I developed a pretty big crush on the little Swiss, Beat, and that dreamy lilt in his voice. It was like an oral Vicodin for my withering body and soul. That day I had described how I felt as feeling like my entire body was stuffed with cotton balls, except cotton balls that actually had hundreds of tiny little razor sharp spikes and also made your hair inexplicably gross, but Beat turned them into little puffs of fluffy clouds to sweep me away.
Tell me someone else has seen this?? Also, is Peter also Swiss? Either that or he sounds some kind of Scandy. I liked him too because he was good at being grumpy and making snappy comebacks. I don't ever plan on wanting a timber house, but I wouldn't mind Beat bringing his chainsaw into my bedroom! Do a little logging in my bed! Construct a 2,800 square foot timber frame in my pants!! Does that even make sense? Fuck I'm so lonely.

. Guy's Grocery Games- As much as I hate Guy Fieri, and I dislike him as much as those tips are frosted, he is surprisingly restrained in this show. And it actually works really well! I enjoyed this, however, I was also on day 2 of not being able to eat, so my standards may have been low. The challenges were pretty fun, and they had great guest judges like Aarti! I like the way she talks. My favourite episode was with the Italian guy who was completely eccentric and an insanely good chef and wanted to win so he could afford to bring his wife and daughter to America. Ahhh! I cried. 

. Cutthroat Kitchen- I also had never seen this show, but as soon as I saw my man Alton Brown I was sold. I'm not sure what makes him so likable, but he gets me every time. The challenges were so sneaky! And yet the food still looked SO GOOD! I liked when they made one of the chefs cook on a treadmill, and also on an upside down wok, and the super hero hands too. How do they still make gourmet meals out of canned chicken and I can't even bake kale correctly??

. Chopped- Oh god I don't know. Watching cooking shows when you are struggling to digest crackers is a cruel form of personal punishment. Fuck, I don't remember, they probably cooked a bunch of shit. The end. I'm going to go sleep in the bathroom.

. House Hunters- The girl in the relationship frequently seems to be high maintenance and bitchy and wears lots of tall boots and long necklaces and decorative scarves and wants to live in a master-planned community, whereas the dude just wants to live on the beach and surf. I feel ya, brah. Lose the dead weight.

. House Hunters International- Oh fuck off this show is so fixed. Who only goes to see 3 houses and then chooses 1??? Also my friends signed up to be on this and they told me you have to have already bought your house and they make up the rest. THEY JUST MAKE IT UP. Thanks for ruining Christmas.

So then I took a bunch of Gravol and had trippy dreams about walking on the beach with this guy with Katy Perry's "Firework" playing on loudspeakers everywhere and then that guy actually did take me to beach but we sat in his car because I was still feverish sweaty but no Katy Perry was playing and his sweater looked really cozy. 

Today is my first day in 7 days eating real solid foods. 

I still dream of Beat.