On Loss

I've never been very good with letting go. I can remember feeling it from a very young age, that feeling of "Please don't leave me I'm scared and unprepared and don't know what to do and I feel so hollow inside." I remember feeling that as young as 5 or 6, which I'm not sure even makes sense.

Recently, while I was away for work, my cat disappeared and never came back. This may sound trivial, but it devastated me. He had been my little guardian for over 10 years, and I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I didn't get to say goodbye. It is a loss I still cannot surmount. I can't write this without it moving me to tears. But things happen, and we can't stop them. Life moves on, even in the absence of saying goodbye to those we love.

But then sometimes we get that opportunity, and we try to resist. We resist because it hurts and it's not what we wanted to happen and it crushes the hope of what we thought the future held. And that's the illusion, that we have any kind of control beyond ourselves.
When things don't go my way, I shut down. I try to become cold and hard, as though I had hollowed myself out from the inside. It never works. I'm too sensitive for that to ever be effective, and it's a terrible way of coping because those things you try to shove down always have a way of floating back up at inappropriate times anyway. This is why there's that uncomfortable energy in the air when someone really lets loose and does an ugly cry in a setting that isn't them alone in their house; you are feeling all the things they've tried not to feel for so long. I remember once being at a meditation workshop, and we were chanting a mantra over and over, and then suddenly something let go and there I was openly sobbing in front of a bunch of strangers. I was crying about my Grandpa who had died months earlier, and I hadn't yet stopped to grieve. I had processed it logically and thought I was fine and was moving on, and had tried skipping past feeling the crushing sadness of what I had lost. I couldn't move forward until I did.


I often feel like life is a continual lesson in letting go. I hope I'm getting better at it. The other day I got thrown another one, and it was so tempting to shut down and disappear and harden. I was so sad, and then very angry. But then once I had actually stopped to feel those things, something softened. Something gave way and what felt right was to stay open and say what I needed, even when my heart felt vulnerable and tired and bruised. And it was worth it. For me, it was a moment of pure love, to say goodbye, and say it freely. Letting go was the only way to move forward, and I think there's a beautiful kind of freedom and hope in feeling that.
Sometimes we get to say goodbye, and sometimes we don't. So jump in with both feet and feel everything, even when it might hurt. We all face loss, but can we still stay open, especially when it might be easier to harden? Can we acknowledge how gutting it might be to care too much without steeling ourselves against the world? Can we take off the jackets we wear when we want to appear cold and unmoved and unfazed? That's not being human, that's being T-1000, and he was so full of rage and anger and homicidal tendencies probably because he was a sensitive kid in a chaotic environment and never learned to protect his heart and turned all that sad, hurt energy inward until it swallowed him whole. And also because he wasn't actually human.
Be vulnerable, be honest, be love. It will be worth the risk. 

I Was Sick For 7 Days And Here Is What I Learned

This Christmas I caught a terrible case of the flu that seemed hell-bent on ending my puny mortal existence, or in the least, just fucking me up royally. 

At first it wasn't so bad, I was still making jokes, "Sorry can't hang out! I'm really sick, but I'm gonna be so HAWT from all the weight imma lose, hahahaha!", "Damn, I'd love to come out, but I'm still pretty sick. At least I'm saving money on all the cash I'm not blowing on food, lol!".

Do not ever tempt fate by laughing in its face because it will take that as a challenge, and that is a challenge you will not win.

I couldn't keep food down for 3 days. I peed my pants a few times from coughing too hard. I tried making a bed on my bathroom floor so I wouldn't have to keep walking to the toilet to throw up, but the floor proved too cold. I eventually texted a friend asking what they were doing that night, because if they were free I might need a ride to the hospital. And because they are a gem, my own Wellness Fairy swooped over and pumped me full of coconut water, Gatorade, Gravol, and soup. It worked! But I still had some recovering to do. 

Christmas is maybe one of the most fortuitous times to get sick because they run goddamn marathons of everything on TV. It was a life saver. I watched so many fucking marathons and documentaries. I watched entire marathons of Timber Kings, Guy's Grocery Games, Cutthroat Kitchen, Chopped, House Hunters, and House Hunters International. I even watched the first two seasons of Glee, which I forgot actually started out really good?!?! Oh god and really sad at the same time. Here is what I learned:

. Timber Kings- This is a show about guys who make timber houses out of Williams Lake, BC. I think it's on the History Channel. I had never seen this show before my killer flu, but it pulled out to be one of my favourites. I admit, I developed a pretty big crush on the little Swiss, Beat, and that dreamy lilt in his voice. It was like an oral Vicodin for my withering body and soul. That day I had described how I felt as feeling like my entire body was stuffed with cotton balls, except cotton balls that actually had hundreds of tiny little razor sharp spikes and also made your hair inexplicably gross, but Beat turned them into little puffs of fluffy clouds to sweep me away.
Tell me someone else has seen this?? Also, is Peter also Swiss? Either that or he sounds some kind of Scandy. I liked him too because he was good at being grumpy and making snappy comebacks. I don't ever plan on wanting a timber house, but I wouldn't mind Beat bringing his chainsaw into my bedroom! Do a little logging in my bed! Construct a 2,800 square foot timber frame in my pants!! Does that even make sense? Fuck I'm so lonely.

. Guy's Grocery Games- As much as I hate Guy Fieri, and I dislike him as much as those tips are frosted, he is surprisingly restrained in this show. And it actually works really well! I enjoyed this, however, I was also on day 2 of not being able to eat, so my standards may have been low. The challenges were pretty fun, and they had great guest judges like Aarti! I like the way she talks. My favourite episode was with the Italian guy who was completely eccentric and an insanely good chef and wanted to win so he could afford to bring his wife and daughter to America. Ahhh! I cried. 

. Cutthroat Kitchen- I also had never seen this show, but as soon as I saw my man Alton Brown I was sold. I'm not sure what makes him so likable, but he gets me every time. The challenges were so sneaky! And yet the food still looked SO GOOD! I liked when they made one of the chefs cook on a treadmill, and also on an upside down wok, and the super hero hands too. How do they still make gourmet meals out of canned chicken and I can't even bake kale correctly??

. Chopped- Oh god I don't know. Watching cooking shows when you are struggling to digest crackers is a cruel form of personal punishment. Fuck, I don't remember, they probably cooked a bunch of shit. The end. I'm going to go sleep in the bathroom.

. House Hunters- The girl in the relationship frequently seems to be high maintenance and bitchy and wears lots of tall boots and long necklaces and decorative scarves and wants to live in a master-planned community, whereas the dude just wants to live on the beach and surf. I feel ya, brah. Lose the dead weight.

. House Hunters International- Oh fuck off this show is so fixed. Who only goes to see 3 houses and then chooses 1??? Also my friends signed up to be on this and they told me you have to have already bought your house and they make up the rest. THEY JUST MAKE IT UP. Thanks for ruining Christmas.

So then I took a bunch of Gravol and had trippy dreams about walking on the beach with this guy with Katy Perry's "Firework" playing on loudspeakers everywhere and then that guy actually did take me to beach but we sat in his car because I was still feverish sweaty but no Katy Perry was playing and his sweater looked really cozy. 

Today is my first day in 7 days eating real solid foods. 

I still dream of Beat.

Angie and I Saw Thor 2: 2 Times The Hunky-ness

I have been excited for this movie for months. MONTHS! I've gone so far as to put up self-made posters at work in irregular intervals using pictures of Thor and my face to remind everyone of how excited I am. Recently at a get-together, someone mentioned it's impending release and I began running on the spot screaming, "Ahhhhhhhh!" No words, just screams. I was slightly drunk, but no matter.

FINALLY! Angie and I got her husband to drop us off at the theatre last night, and the best night of our lives began. ASGARD, SHALL WE BEGIN?!?!?!

There was pretty much no way I was not going to like this movie. Google image searches had already revealed the alterations they made to Thor's costume (Thor 2: 2 Times The Bare Biceps!), and that alone would have sent me home sleeping well. It could have been two hours of Thor in his new sleeveless armor doing nothing but playing Counterstrike, a game I consider to be the most boooooring of all games, and I still would have been satisfied. It's no secret that blond, blue-eyed men, especially those of the viking variety, are my weakness, so you could pretty much throw one or two of those in a movie and I will shut up and throw you bags of money to see it. This was no exception.

I don't remember exactly how the movie opened, I think I was still too amped up from the Need For Speed trailer they showed just before it, because cars! Explosions!! JESSEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! I was later glad I didn't yell out, "OH FUCK YES!" because it turns out that two twelve year olds were sitting one seat left of Angie. 

Anyway, by the time I was paying attention, Thor's gang was fighting a bunch of dudes on some planet we've never seen before. Thor, for reasons not explained, arrives late to the party. Was he washing his hair? Did he sleep in? Then even though they seem to be fighting some big battle, the baddies send in a giant made of rocks that is super heavy-footed and EVERYONE STOPS FIGHTING so they can form a circle for Thor and Rock Giant to dance battle it out. Thor wins first try, says something smug and pithy, war over. His hair looks great.

Back on Asgard, and in no way that forwards the story whatsoever, Thor later takes off his shirt and washes his face. I am very disappointed we only see shirtless Thor's back, and zero of his perfectly sculpted chest and dream-making abs. I feel like they could've given us a little more bang for our buck. 

Everyone is celebrating and having fun, but Thor is doing his best Jon Snow impression because he really misses Jane even though he hasn't seen her in two years and all they ever did was kiss. Does no one have sex in these Marvel movies? Can we please have a sequel where Thor goes on a lusty sex rampage and sluts it up with a bunch of girls who look just like me?? Hahahahahahaha! Just kidding. No I'm not.

Meanwhile, Natalie-that-is-not-me is in London or whatever, and Alexander Skarsgard's Dad has gone a little crazy and can't keep his pants on. Of all the characters who could have had this problem, they choose Dad 3 from Mamma Mia? Missed opportunity. I don't really care all that much about this part of the story, except for the guy from The IT Crowd who is really funny and endearing. Can I talk about what I do care about? LOKI!!!!

Fuck, that Loki. I had gone into this movie feeling secure in my pants-off feelings for Thor. I have a Thor bobble head that sits on my stove, and Thor is pretty much my inner 14 year old's dream of all dreams served on a surfboard, but I think I've been swayed to the dark side. That Loki is so charismatic! He's mischievous! He's got really nice hair! And he kind of reminds me of what it would be like if a cat was stuck inside a human's body- slightly evil, but cunning enough to win your affection, and lacking both compassion and empathy making him a perfect morally deprived mastermind. I loved him. He was the best part of The Avengers in my opinion, and the best part of Thor 2: 2many Biceps. I also find him ridiculously beguiling and I-forgot-to-wear-underwear-on-purpose-sexy. TRICK YOUR WAY INTO MY BED ANYTIME, LOKI!!! But keep the outfit on, I like the dark leather.

So Loki is in some glass box cell thing for all the trouble he stirred up in The Avengers movie, and I like that he tries to brush it off like, "Right after I had complete submission from the pathetic humans using an aggressive slug-alien army, I was going to be a really nice overlord!" I also liked that he paced his glass box like a panther waiting for a zookeeper to make a mistake. Those eyes! THOSE EYES! Ugh. So wounded and pleading, yet so untrustworthy.

Some other stuff happens, Thor sets Loki free under the condition that he help him save the galaxy from an albino dude with really nice braids and those guys with the masks from America's Best Dance Crew. The countdown to betrayal begins! Just in case you forgot, pretty much all of Thor's gang threaten to kill Loki if he double crosses Thor. You guys, come on! That's like leaving the bathroom door open and expecting the cat to NOT unroll the toilet paper all over the floor and then drag it into the living room and surprise you with a giant mess. It's what he does! And does he ever. Thor and Loki go to Night Elf Mohawk planet to meet the bad guy, Thor releases Loki from his restraints, and then Loki CHOPS OFF HIS HAND!!!! Ahhhhh, what the fuck?!?! Good god, Alan Taylor! You already chopped off Jaime Lannister's hand this year, and it took me weeks to get over that one. Can we please just let these good looking men keep their body parts? My daydreams are remarkably less sexy when the kingslayer is running his stump through my hair. But then oh shit! It was just one of Loki's tricks. LOL, good one Loki, you guys totally got the upper hand on Elf Dude.

Does it really matter what happens for the rest of the movie? Thor saves the world (Spoiler). Loki dies, but then maybe doesn't, but then definitely doesn't because at the end he tricks Thor into thinking he's their Dad sitting on the throne having an emotionally unavailable men's heart to heart. Just one question though, where was real Dad during this whole conversation? Was he taking a nap? Watching Matlock? On the toilet? Stringer Bell maybe needs to reconsider his guardian skills if bad guys and Loki are constantly getting into Asgard as if it were the one house on the block with a pool that everyone is sneaking into. I liked that Mr. Eko was in this one too.

All in all, I give Thor 2night I'm Sleeping Soundly, 4 sexy Lokis out of 5 fantasy suites.


Natalie Bell stayed up all night watching videos of Tom Hiddleston on YouTube because it seemed like the rational thing to do. This was partially because she was upset to learn that Netflix Canada doesn't have The Avengers in their lineup. Sometimes Netflix Canada feels like being the Loki of streaming video- brought up to think he's destined for the same greatness as his brother, but really he's just the adopted one that always gets hand-me-downs and the decidedly less cool helmet. Speaking of, why doesn't Loki look like a Frost Giant all the time? Has this ever been explained?!?

Land of the Shining Mountains

So I'm thinking about going to Montana next year. No hotels, no motels. Just me and my car, and a tent, and some wilderness.

Where should I stop?

Whale of a Tale

I don't really know if I believe in "signs". And by that I don't mean traffic signs or whatever, those seem pretty real to me, but I mean some sort of mystical occurrence that's supposed to be loaded with significance. I usually feel as though as soon as I get an idea, or a yearning, or a hopeful but fragile knowing of how I think or want sometime to happen, the exact opposite seems to be what ends up becoming reality. I'm not very good at letting go, and because of this I try not to assign too much meaning to things for fear that my hope will eventually crumble through my fingers. But that's not really what I wanted to talk about.

I saw a whale today.

I was sitting on my surfboard waiting for the next set of waves. There were two other guys out there as well, and suddenly one of them noticed something in the water about 10 feet away. He called it out as a sea lion since they're not uncommon, and it gives everyone a chance to lie flat on their board in case it's a male and mistakes you for sitting up and challenging him. I'm not going to lie, sea lions scare me a little bit. If they wanted to fuck my shit up, I'm pretty sure they could.

But then before we could react, you could see a shadow in the water, and a ridged back and a big grey tail broke through and gave us a graceful goodbye wave. He glided back under the water just as quietly as he had appeared, and then he was gone.

It was incredible, but also a little terrifying. I've never seen anything so big so close. It felt all at once wild and mysterious and scary and exhilarating. It all happened so fast. If I had paddled forwards I probably could have touched him. Please forgive me for saying this, but it was kind of magical.

When I got home, I told one of my good friends about it. We're both from the same place and I think both share a bright-eyed passion for my now home on the west coast. I always enjoy telling him about my adventures because I feel as though he too knows the feeling of your eyes being blown right open by a sunset in the harbour, a mountain view, the feel of salt water against your skin, or the sound of the ocean outside your tent.

He seemed just as awe-struck as I was, and said, "An affirmation from the world that you're doing something right in your life."
I was lucky. I just happened to be out there at the right time to see something extraordinary.

There's no cell reception at the beaches where I surf, so I text my sister when I go out alone just in case anything happens and because everything goes to her if it does. I usually joke that she'll be getting a solid month of free groceries if I don't make it back. As I was driving back home today her message read, "Alive?"

ALIVE!

- Natalie Bell is completely enthralled with surfing. It changed everything. However, she is somewhat scared of the ocean and its sea monsters that lurk beneath. She once refused to get off the boat on a snorkeling trip in Mexico because she is terrified of sharks, and the tour guide reassured her that there would be lots.

There is no then. There is no after.

From The Hairpin:

Now, This is a Moment, of Some Kind, or Another

By Nicole Cliffe | March 11, 2013

At some point, during Marina Abramovic's "The Artist is Present" piece in 2010, her old lover showed up. There's some backstory here, though you are encouraged (by sources in the art community) to take it with a grain of salt. What's important is to mute your speakers, and watch what passes between the two of them when he sits down. Whether it was pre-arranged, or not, or whether she knew he was coming, it's hard to watch this and not have some kind of emotional reaction.