Magical Mike

I'm not going to lie, my department at work is pretty badass. The people are terrific, we all genuinely like each other and voluntarily spend time together outside of work, we have weekly office dance parties, and recently, we all went and saw Magic Mike. Naturally, we also went and got boozed up before hand, but it was a classy kind of drunk because we were all nicely dressed, and because we're ladies, goddammit. 10 ladies that absolutely could not wait to go sit through 110 minutes of finding out what exactly Mike has to do for 20s. Spoiler: WE NEVER ACTUALLY FIND OUT!! But we did find out a whole boat load of other stuff. Here's pretty much what happened when my friend Angie and I, and our department director, discussed this cinematic gem:

Me- So what did you think of the movie?

Angie- You know what? I much preferred Rock of Ages.
(I wouldn't go see Rock of Ages with Angie because I find Tom Cruise both terrifying and grating. And I don't like Julianne Hough. Yeah. I went there.)
I didn't like the ending! I mean, what is going to happen--

Me- With the rest of those 7 hours that Channing Tatum and Robo girl have until breakfast? I am glad that she takes breakfast seriously though. It's the most important thing. Or is it family? Both?

But I mean, 7 hours is a lot of time to kill. What do you think they did? Play cards? Scrabble? Did they break out the Risk board? Those games go on for like, days. Maybe she has a WoW account? That shit eats up 7 hours easy, especially when you're gunning to get your night elf to level 30 so you get the pony. Why the fuck would you walk anywhere in Middle Earth or wherever it is if you could ride a badass horse? That's right. You wouldn't. Okay, sure, being able to transform into the tiger is pretty legit, but only until you realize it is only marginally faster travelling that way than by the regular way. I mean... I've never played WoW before and I have no idea what all this is. 

Angie- I'm pretty sure they were darning socks?

Me- What is that?

Angie- It's like when you repair the holes in a sock.

Me- Well I'm sure whatever they did, her brilliant personality must have really shone through, because you know, her character pretty much portrayed every emotion, except all the human ones.

Angie- Yeah, she was pretty awful.

Me- I did love that our theatre lost it in that opening shot of Channing's ass though.

Angie- Haha, I KNOW! And you were laughing and cheering so loudly!

Me- I felt like I had pretty much just gotten my money's worth, right there. 

Angie- I still liked Rock of Ages better.

Me- You know what though? Despite everything, I felt like Channing Tatum's upper AND lower body both gave stand-up performances. That doesn't always happen. Remember when we say The Lucky One? I really felt like that was a watershed moment for Zac Efron's quads, but everything above? It was just okay for me.

Angie- Oh god, the shower scene?


Me- Shut the fucking door! THE SHOWER SCENE!!!!

*We both take a deep exhale*

Me- But let's not go there.


Angie- I know, that's still a touchy one for you.


Me- Focus Angie. back to Magic Mike. Tell me what you really thought of such an emotionally complex cinematic titanic.


Angie- It was the ending that really bothered me! If I'm going to see a movie like that, I want it to be all rainbows and puppies and fluff! I don't want the ending to make me feel worried and depressed about the character. I mean, we know the only direction he's going is downhill. That makes me feel bad for him.


Me- Ugh, you're such a wonderful human being. I'm not going to lie, I didn't really care about him. I feel like anyone who claims to only owns one pair of shoes is not someone to be trusted. You know why? He was a football player, I'm sure he also had a pair of running shoes.Also, was the main girl a graduate of the Kristen Stewart school of acting? She was pretty effective at looking dead on the inside while also constantly keeping her mouth open. And the chemistry!!! It was absolutely electric. If the definition for electric was actually "devoid of any and all feeling and/or personality."

Angie- Agreed. She was bad. 

Me- I read on the internet this morning that they had a 96% return rate for their extras. That's pretty much unheard of. Can you imagine?

Angie- Oh! My! God!


Me- We would have needed to bring a change of underwear for that. Some serious slushy panties.


Angie- Totally.

*Our Big Boss Lady walks in*

Me- But let's get down to brass tacks. Favourite scene? For me, hands down the scene where Matthew McConaughey is practicing moves with The Kid and for no good reason that I can think of, is wearing a doo-rag (which sort of looked like a swim cap), black booty shorts, and a neon yellow CROP TOP. The only thing that could have been more ridiculous is if instead he was wearing one of those mesh football jersey belly tops. But then Matthew told The Kid to "fuck that mirror like you mean it" and it turns out they didn't even need the jersey belly tops to go there.

BBL- Easily the best scene for me was when he picks the girl up while she's still in the chair and then dances with her.

Angie-!!!

Me-!!! Can that really happen in real life?

Angie- No. Sorry, the real ones aren't like that. I know you've never been to a male strip club, but it's a little disappointing after that movie.

Me- Because I mean, Channing Tatum's dancing? I've been a massive fan since Step Up, part uno. And those floor shimmy things he was doing?

BBL- Impressive.

Me- Yes! Think of him doing that in say, the living room. Put a Swiffer cloth under each knee, and BAM! That's a clean floor right there.

Angie- My favourite was when The Kid stripped for the first time. I liked him, he reminds me of Brad Renfro.

Me- Well I mean the droopy underwear were pretty terrific.

Angie- Speaking of underwear, I've bough Ryan (her husband) all kinds of brands: Calvin Klein, Armani, etc. And then one time he sent me in to La Vie en Rose to buy something fancy for myself, but then I noticed they had men's stuff, so I bought him underwear.


Me- Haha! I didn't even know they sold men's stuff. And how did Ryan feel about that?


Angie- At first he was all, "Angie!! You were supposed to get stuff for YOU." But then he tried them on, and he loved them, so he forgot all about that other part. SO much better than the high end ones I tried to buy. Natalie, if you ever buy a boy underwear, just go there.


Me- Hahaha! I feel like that is unlikely to happen.


BBL- Oh, and going back to favourite scene, the "Ride My Pony" one.


Me- Oh god, yes. AND THEN THEY CAME OUT ON STICK PONIES!


BBL- I forgot how much I love that song.


Angie- I think my other favourite scene was when the credits rolled.


Me- Mrahahahaha!


BBL- That movie reminded me of some of the male stripper experiences I've had.


Me & Angie- WHAT???


BBL- Oh yes.


Me & Angie- You must tell us.


BBL- So one time in college, these girls and I ordered a male stripper, but we were in college and so had no money. This guy shows up, he's 6"5 and maybe 130lbs AND HE HAS A MULLET.

Me- Was it a wig?

BBL- Not a wig. No one wanted him to dance with them. He had on this Eurotrash button down top, and skin tight shiny pants. They were so tight he couldn't get them off, so he had to lie down and shimmy out of them. 

Me- Did you have to help by pulling on the ankle of the pants for him? 

BBL- Yeah, pretty much. He literally had to lie down on the floor, and we had to help him take his pants off.

Me & Angie- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

BBL- It was awful. But yet I was undeterred because then some years later, for a bachelorette, when we all had more money, a male stripper was again ordered. So bigger budget, and the guy was legitimately good looking. But! We had some noise complaints and the cops showed up. We thought it was part of the show.


Me- Oh no, you inappropriately hit on the cops, didn't you?


BBL- We sure did. Turns out they were real cops.


Me & Angie- Mra hahahahahaha!


BBL- But then! The male stripper did the fire breathing thing a la Matt McConaughey, only we had decorated the entire room with streamers, and then the streamers got lit on fire. We almost set the room on fire.


Me- Lesson learned. Fire breathing male strippers are nothing to joke about.

 *A little later that day, we had a full on work discussion with our staff concerning the troubling ending*

Lady- They totally set it up for part 2.

Lady 2- Oh yeah, it's gonna turn into a Harry Potter like thing, with like a bagillion sequels.

Lady 3- And a theme park.

BBL- Magic Mike: The Ride

Me- OMG, I can't breathe.

Lady 2- They'd have to strap the ladies down.

BBL- I'm prepared to build this here at work, if we have to.

Me- I unselfishly volunteer to be the casting director. I'll even bring my own couch from home for my casting office if needed.

BBL- And a chair. I'm still really impressed by that chair scene.

- Natalie Bell would really like to know where the wardrobe department got that neon yellow crop top. Angie would like to know when Rock Of Ages 2 is coming out. Big Boss Lady would really, really like Channing Tatum to show her that chair move. Every woman who's seen Magic Mike, seconds that.